You Call That A Penis?

Starter penis.

Think about it.

While you think about it I'll tell you I can't take credit for such a gem. Tracie over at Stir Fry Awesomeness posted today about how she met her hubby. She uses the term starter penis to describe a former boyfriend. I fell off my chair laughing.

It got me thinking about a few starter penises (penii???) I've had stroll through my life.

Guys, when we say that size doesn't matter and you believe us...yeah you probably shouldn't. We're boldfaced lying. Ok maybe it's just me. We've already established I'll burn in hell.

It must suck to be a guy with a small penis. The starter penii (yes, there have been more than one) that I've encountered ALWAYS come attached to guys that don't realize they're sporting a starter penis. What is up with that? I mean if it's barely the length of my damn pinky finger, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be waving it around like you're the damn reincarnation of John Holmes.

One particular starter penis comes to mind (it really is the perfect term and I giggle just using it). I was 26, he was younger.... 23 maybe? Anyway, we had dated several times and when we finally got around to doing the horizontal mambo it was, well....how shall I put this? I felt as though I should be handling "it" with a pair of tweezers rather than my hand. Handle with care? Oh my god I get grossed out just thinking about it.

Of course I couldn't wait until the following day to give all the gory details to my best friend. (Oh guys, if you think your performance in the bedroom isn't critiqued among the girls, think again. What? You're offended by this, too bad so sad.). Anyway, we were laughing at discussing his "challenges" (burning in hell I tell you) and girlfriend then said to me:

He shall forever more be referred to as amputee.

Yes, yes she did. Worse yet...we did refer to him as amuputee (behind his back of course, it would just be wrong to say it to his face).

No, I didn't go out with him again.

Yes, I was shallow like that.

Yes, I'm still a bitch.

But I've grown up, I swear.

Now, tell me your starter penis stories, so I don't feel like such a ruthless bitch. If you're lucky maybe I'll share my "Aqua Man" story. Oh yeah baby, I knew how to pick 'em.