You Call That A Penis?

Brought to you exclusively by Dual Mom on
Starter penis.

Think about it.

While you think about it I'll tell you I can't take credit for such a gem. Tracie over at Stir Fry Awesomeness posted today about how she met her hubby. She uses the term starter penis to describe a former boyfriend. I fell off my chair laughing.

It got me thinking about a few starter penises (penii???) I've had stroll through my life.

Guys, when we say that size doesn't matter and you believe us...yeah you probably shouldn't. We're boldfaced lying. Ok maybe it's just me. We've already established I'll burn in hell.

It must suck to be a guy with a small penis. The starter penii (yes, there have been more than one) that I've encountered ALWAYS come attached to guys that don't realize they're sporting a starter penis. What is up with that? I mean if it's barely the length of my damn pinky finger, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be waving it around like you're the damn reincarnation of John Holmes.

One particular starter penis comes to mind (it really is the perfect term and I giggle just using it). I was 26, he was younger.... 23 maybe? Anyway, we had dated several times and when we finally got around to doing the horizontal mambo it was, well....how shall I put this? I felt as though I should be handling "it" with a pair of tweezers rather than my hand. Handle with care? Oh my god I get grossed out just thinking about it.

Of course I couldn't wait until the following day to give all the gory details to my best friend. (Oh guys, if you think your performance in the bedroom isn't critiqued among the girls, think again. What? You're offended by this, too bad so sad.). Anyway, we were laughing at discussing his "challenges" (burning in hell I tell you) and girlfriend then said to me:

He shall forever more be referred to as amputee.

Yes, yes she did. Worse yet...we did refer to him as amuputee (behind his back of course, it would just be wrong to say it to his face).

No, I didn't go out with him again.

Yes, I was shallow like that.

Yes, I'm still a bitch.

But I've grown up, I swear.

Now, tell me your starter penis stories, so I don't feel like such a ruthless bitch. If you're lucky maybe I'll share my "Aqua Man" story. Oh yeah baby, I knew how to pick 'em.

58 comments:

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...
March 24, 2010 at 8:04 PM

Girlfriend, if you had any men reading this blog, you can sure as hell bet that they are running for the hills hiding their packages.

Meagan@Megs7827 said...
March 24, 2010 at 8:22 PM

I love this post! You crack me up! There is one that comes to mind. I was very surprised because he was tall and had big feet. Yes, I did tell my roommates the whole big feet thing is not true!

Quixotic said...
March 24, 2010 at 8:30 PM

My gals and I still refer to a certain guy I hooked up with as Designated Driver... becuase he was under .05 :o)

Yankee Girl said...
March 24, 2010 at 8:34 PM

That was great. Amputee is an AWESOME word to use.

I met this guy through my sister and her husband. He was a mail-man. Through the entire first (and only) date, he kept using mail-man pick-up lines like "I have a package to deliver to you" and "I always have on time delivery." Five tequila shots later (because apparently that is all it takes to get me to have a one night stand) I was back at his place and we were getting ready to do it. Or so I thought. A few moments later he was laying on the bed in bliss and I had no idea what had happened. Until I saw his penis. It was so small that I didn't even feel it go in.

And he was more like "speedy delivery" than anything else. I got my ass out of bed and called my sister to pick me up. When I got home I noticed it hurt when I peed. I stuck my finger in my vag and found the condom. Yes. He was so small that the condom wouldn't even stay on.

middle child said...
March 24, 2010 at 8:34 PM

2 words: Back Door

Mrsblogalot said...
March 24, 2010 at 8:57 PM

Could have been worse.

You could have called him an amputee/Minute Man.

Homesick Cajun said...
March 24, 2010 at 9:04 PM

Girl I dated this one guy, he was gorgeous! Tall, built...he looked like a model. So he talks me into going to his house with him after a game of football. He was gonna jump in the shower and then we were going to dinner. (This would have been our 4th or 5th date)

Well girl when he got out of the shower he comes walking into the living room in a towel and gives me his best "I'm about to f*ck the shit out of you" look. (so not sexy BTW)

And then he dropped the towel. Lord have mercy girl...that man looked like he had potted meat with a hard on lol. The only thing I could think to say was you have GOT to be kidding me! I was so pissed...first of all because he thought he was gonna "seduce" me like that, on our 4th or 5th date no less!And secondly he was so effin' hot...what a waste!!

I had to get out of there! I told him that we were not having sex then...it was too soon, but we were neva gonna have sex lol. I got out of there as soon as I could girl!

So I went to my best friends house (of course I did) and she could tell I was pissed! I'm going off telling her how he's hung like a frickin' bumble bee, lawd that was the wrong thing to say to her.

We went out the next night and ran into him, the first thing my bf says is "Wassup Bumble Bee...wanna gimme a BUZZZ?" Girl she even made up a damn dance for him...yeah she did! What did she call it?? Lol...flight of the bumble bee of course!! She had half the bar doing that damn dance with her by the end of the night!! God I miss her lol!

Lmao...he never figured out why we called him that! Then name stuck...now all his friends call him Bee or BB! Haha!!

GunDiva said...
March 24, 2010 at 9:42 PM

Yankee Girl and Cajun - those are hilarious!

DM - I love the starter penis/penii phrase. I also (sadly) had a guy who was too small for the condom to stay on. Awkward! He was a big, bad volunteer firefighter. Prolly had to be just to make himself feel manly for God's cruel joke between his legs. And this is just between us girls and the blogosphere, right? The hubby and I don't talk about exes - mostly 'cause I've got a lot more than he does!

MiMi said...
March 24, 2010 at 9:43 PM

Seriously, when I was reading this I got to the one paragraph that starts, "It must suck..."
and I thought it said "I must suck..." and I was thinking you were going on a total different tangent. I think I'm tired. :)

Aunt Juicebox said...
March 24, 2010 at 9:49 PM

I tell my daughter as often as I can fit it into appropriate (hehe) conversation, that SIZE MATTERS. Don't believe the bullshit, because it DOES. Hopefully, she's listening.

So I dated a guy who I found out had a teeny weeny before we did the deed, thank GOD! Forever after that I would call his house (he lived with his parents then) and would ask for Stumpy. They thought it was a wrong number and hung up on me every time.

Then. There was a guy I was VERY serious about, who also had a miniature penis. He was so self conscious about it that by the time we were actually naked and in bed, he got OUT of bed to flick on the light, so I could see it - like so I wouldn't ask him if it was "in" or something....it was the one and only time we did it because it turns out he was seeing someone else too.

Sharon said...
March 24, 2010 at 10:23 PM

I've seen all shapes and sizes. Some belonged to nice guys, some belonged to jerks. I've come to the conclusion that the big head matters a helluva lot more than the little one. Fortunately I'm blessed with better than average and a well-stocked toybox. :)

Tiffany said...
March 24, 2010 at 10:24 PM

um...i married mine... ;)

Anonymous said...
March 24, 2010 at 10:29 PM

I was making out once with a guy friend of mine after WAY too many martinis. When I put my hand in his boxers, he said "don't expect too much."
How DO you respond to that? Anyway, he was right. He was hung like a tootsie roll. I said I needed a glass of water and then went to sleep elsewhere. He's a 6'4" hockey player, but now all I think when I see him is how tiny he was. Poor bloke.

Drama Queen said...
March 24, 2010 at 10:36 PM

I love it!

Starter penis - I'll have to remember that!

GregoryJ said...
March 24, 2010 at 10:51 PM This comment has been removed by the author.
Logical Libby said...
March 24, 2010 at 10:56 PM

Is there anyone who doesn't remember the smallest they've ever seen? Some may say they don't, but they do.

Hey, something for you on my blog.

Sarah With Scissors said...
March 24, 2010 at 11:30 PM

Ahhh... the starter penis... bahahahah... I mean... he was pretty on the inside? Oh fuck it... I actually looked at him and went "ummmmm" and he turned beat red... I... am a bitch (but I honestly didn't mean to be one... apparently it comes naturally)

Brea said...
March 25, 2010 at 1:27 AM This comment has been removed by the author.
Along said...
March 25, 2010 at 1:33 AM

OMG, I fell off my chair reading this post. Too funny!! I can't comment further tho, hubby is the only guy I've slept with...and he's...well, no starter penis, if you know what I mean. Hehehehe..

singedwingangel said...
March 25, 2010 at 2:27 AM

OH brea you could not be further from wrong. Men can enlarge their penis by doing a lot fo things. Did you know mass amounts of caffeine intake shrink a penis.. no betcha didn't. Did you also know that the more muscular a man gets it can literally shrink a man's penis, why because blood flow is going to other muscle groups that now require more. Their diet, their sleep, all affect the growth rate and size of the penis. But of course you wouldn't know that. But did you also know the AVERAGE male penis is only 5 inches hard.. well technically 5-7 most fall within the 6 range.
I think what makes me angrier is that men talk about us afterwards. were we good, did we swallow, did we do this or that.. and that is fine.. we harp on that and we are bitches Whateva don't like it CLICK OFF the post and keep your haterade to yourself..

Shandal said...
March 25, 2010 at 2:36 AM

I've had a run in with a "starter penis" before. When we finally got around to doing the "horizontal mambo" I kid you not, I said, "Are you in?"

Poor guy, I can't believe I said that to him! Haha!!!

Secretia said...
March 25, 2010 at 3:47 AM

Well, I've had them all sizes, a few very big, some very small.
I liked them all, what can I say.
That term "starter penis" is hysterical!

Secretia

Alex said...
March 25, 2010 at 7:34 AM

Ha ha, yeah he was referred to as 'Wee Willy Winkee'....they're normally the guys with the big mouths (at least they're good for something)

adrienzgirl said...
March 25, 2010 at 9:09 AM

Damn controversial much? Who knew that the size of man's penis would cause the haters to come outta the wood work. I'm off to post about haters. It has to be done.

adrienzgirl said...
March 25, 2010 at 9:09 AM

Oh...and starter penis? FUCKING AWESOME TERM.

That is all.

Daffy said...
March 25, 2010 at 9:23 AM

I just had to come back and weigh in....I'm laughing too damn hard. I'm sure it must really suck to look down and wonder if it's just an over swollen clit or a male appendage....snort.....I think we all have at least one of those stories. Except maybe for people who are pure...and you know....wait til marriage (Thankfully that's not me. I have wonderful memories to ..ahem....sorry...lost track there for a minute)

I think I love you more if that's possible *wink*

After one particular came into my life (and shortly thereafter I walked away from) I will never NEVER look at a turtle the same way again.....

Daffy said...
March 25, 2010 at 9:24 AM

Oh and I totally second what Singedwingangel said....I was thinking the same thing....fucking double standards

Taylorvillegirl said...
March 25, 2010 at 9:45 AM

Hilarious! I love it.
Who knew this would be such a controversial subject? Wtf?
Aren't there more important things to direct your hate towards? Come on.
Anyway, we've all had the stubbies who thought they were sex gods. Why not laugh about it? It's the healthy thing to do. So, thanks for contributing to our mental health.

Menopausal New Mom said...
March 25, 2010 at 9:47 AM

How did I miss this little gem of a story? Well, we are going to have to go out and have a coffee, won't be sharing my starter penis story on here but I can say that Thank GOD, I DIDN'T Marry that dude!

Laura said...
March 25, 2010 at 10:09 AM

Who are these haters? Geesh don't like the post - 'click off'

Ugh sorry I missed this yesterday.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...
March 25, 2010 at 12:49 PM

WTH?! It's okay for men to be shallow and superficial, but not us?! Not cool. I'd rather be a c*nt than have a starter penis though. ;)

I had a starter penis one time. He was also a damn drunk. Not sure which came first. TWSS (I crack my damn self up.)

Sorry about the mean comments. I'm shocked. This is exactly the kind of thing my Blogfia is designed for. Can't we all just get along? And if not, don't be surprised if you get to hang out with the fishes...

Meeko Fabulous said...
March 25, 2010 at 1:06 PM

I can't believe someone would come on here and call you the 'c' word! That is ridiculous. OMG!

Sammy K said...
March 25, 2010 at 1:31 PM

Starter penis that he couldn't keep up. So depressing. Sheesh...=(

And as for Gregory, where the hell does he get off calling you the 'c' word?! That's offensive and ridiculous. Let's go kick his ass....

Danielle said...
March 25, 2010 at 1:39 PM

He he, my girlfriend sleeps with a guy we call "twizler"

Lluvia said...
March 25, 2010 at 1:58 PM

Hi!
New to your blog. I just read Adrienne's (Think Tank Momma) post and had to come and visit. My goodness! tsk! tsk! tsk!

Whatever happened to being able to write whatever you wanted on YOUR blog. That's why it's yours!

I had my starter penis as well. It was terrible; it was so bad that I began doing a special exercise, you know, to make me tigther so I could feel something...but nada!!!! :( He was beautiful!! Big grey eyes, tall, made lots of money, drove that perfect car--it all went down the drain when we did it!!!

Great post! I laughed a lot! (until I got to the comments section--NOT FUNNY)

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...
March 25, 2010 at 1:59 PM

You know, they have these itty bitty little vibrators made just for the, well, you know, the OTHER c word. Maybe these men should market themselves as personal itty bitty clitty vibrators. Just thinkin' out loud.

Besides, how many times have I heard men complain, whine and get all self righteous about the way we look--too big, smelly, funny shaped, blah, blah, blah. Karma is a bitch.

Linda Medrano said...
March 25, 2010 at 2:18 PM

Hilarious! Love it! I do find the "c" word pretty damned offensive too.

carma said...
March 25, 2010 at 3:28 PM

totally cracked me up when Stir-fry used the term yesterday tee hee...I wish I had a more sordid history so I could share some stories here *sigh*

June said...
March 25, 2010 at 3:30 PM

My first husband was a starter...and had some serious issues knowing he had a little penis. I have always called it "Little Dick Syndrome" and he has it bad.

Now the man that was hung like a horse, that actually hurt on occasion...

Hillbilly Duhn said...
March 25, 2010 at 4:06 PM

Okay, now that I've stopped laughing!! Holy balls!

During conversation with my present hubs, one time talking about the ex hubs penis, present hubs was curious of ex hubs size, and I had to put it gently. You see, I told him that if we used cars for sizes, the ex would be a suburban and he would be a chivet. However you spell it. So, he wasn't too upset, thankfully.
He asked, he shouldn't of, but he did....But he drives his chivet as though it were a race car and without the mufler, it's as beefy sounding as a suburban! :)

Kmama said...
March 25, 2010 at 4:52 PM

Oh my. Hilarious. Amputee?? I had a starter penis once ( I mean, I was with a guy who had a starter penis). Thankfully, I knew it was a starter penis before we got that far, and I broke things off.

Love the new design. It's been awhile since I've been here!! (sorry)

Michelle Pixie said...
March 25, 2010 at 9:42 PM

Okay I am in tears with laughter over the starter penis!! Omigod! My first experience was a starter penis and it was the absolute worst...I couldn't believe that this was what everyone had been so excited over?! Thank god for that one night stand shortly after {who also introduced me to the orgasm} or I may have become a nun and I don't even like religion!!

Mad Woman said...
March 26, 2010 at 12:28 AM

So I laughed pretty hard when I read Tracie's post that first mentioned the starter penis. Then I laughed hard enough to make my children think I was COMPLETELY losing it when I came and read this. And then I choked on my drink when I read Gregory's comment. Not because it was funny, per se, (totally wasn't by the way dude. Not at all.), but because he called you that word. On your blog. For everyone to see. Classy.

I think this puts you into a very elite group of bloggers, Dual Mom. Not everyone has had the honour, albeit dubious, of having that name flung in their faces.

This story, by the way? HILARIOUS! I actually have a couple stories like this myself. This might turn into a bit of a meme!

Epskee said...
March 26, 2010 at 6:25 AM

LMFAO! I think I might have a winner.

After a big night at the club, my gf came in the next morning asking if my conquest and I had done the deed. I told her I didnt know. After establishing that that was NOT in fact due to the amount of liquor I had consumed, she attempted to see for herself. She pulled back the sheets..... and couldnt see anything.

He came back 2 days later to get the jacket he "forgot" and my BFF put the song "Dont want no short dick man" on the stereo.

I wish I could say I didnt laugh....... But I cant. We all CRACKED IT, BIG TIME.

Can you blame me? At least I wasnt as big of a bitch as her - she put the song on, not me!

In his defence, he handled the whole thing so well you wouldnt believe it, and remains a friend to this day. (but not one with benefits!)

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...
March 26, 2010 at 9:05 AM

How did I miss all the drama? First, this is a great post and we have all had men that had starters that you had to wonder "Did they start yet??" Okay, so maybe that's just me. But, I read about the drama you caused with this post and had to come. Of course, didn't come with the starter...but that's another story in itself.

Great post. Keep it up. Fuck the rest. If they don't like it...they can CLICK OFF!

~J said...
March 26, 2010 at 11:26 AM

LMFAOOOOOOO! Oh my god...this is freakin hysterical beyond hysterical. I can't stop laughing!

As for the haters..it's okay boys, somewhere out there is a woman who loves itty bitty appendages..so smile!

randomblogette said...
March 26, 2010 at 1:58 PM

I am so sorry that I missed all of the fun yesterday! I HEART this post! I too have had my run in with a starter penis. And he was my boss...and he broke up with me because he was done with me...and he heard about his itty bity peener through the other ladies that I work with. Moral...don't fuck with me.

Erin said...
March 26, 2010 at 2:39 PM

I am in love with the whole starter penis concept and cannot stop laughing. and now daffy has me thinking about turtles. BWAHAHAHAHHAHA

Steven Anthony said...
March 26, 2010 at 2:48 PM

Im just way impressed you know who John Holmes is...lol

funny post, love it;)

Frugal Vicki said...
March 26, 2010 at 4:03 PM

Okay, I have been hearing about this, so I HAD to come find the drama.
Did you know if you search dual mom and the P word (not saying it cuz I don't want this to happen to me rofl) you find this post easy peasy???
too funny

Mae Rae said...
March 26, 2010 at 6:00 PM

damn it, always a day late and a dollar short as my dad would say. I loved the starter penis by the way. This is one of your best so far.

T!nK said...
March 26, 2010 at 11:06 PM

hahahaha. I slept with this guy who had a starter penis. you think you're going to hell? I told him the reason we had to break up is because jesus cured me of my gayness. no lie.

i met him again a few years later and saw that he lost a shit ton of weight. I figured that his penis may have faired better because of this, so i slept with him again. Nope. still tiny.

The Blue Zoo said...
March 27, 2010 at 4:01 PM

OK- So I am just catching up. I loved this post! Its awesome. I cant believe some moron was so insecure that he called you and lots of others the C word over this.

GregoryJ said...
March 28, 2010 at 6:28 PM

i apologize for my crude, unkind, uncalled for comment on this posting.

SaMama said...
March 31, 2010 at 2:30 PM

My girlfriends and I call them "cocktail weinies" (is that how it's spelled?) because they look just like the disgusting little hot dogs that pass as hors d'eouvres.

Stumbled across you via SurferWife. Love it! Laughing hysterically in my office, hoping the boss doesn't catch me.

Queen of Feisty said...
April 9, 2010 at 12:01 AM

Oh yes, I dated a starter amputee from the age of 16 to 20. He was my H.S. sweetheart, and when we got rocky twards the end, I met Spaghetti.

Call me nieve, but Starter H.S. sweetheart was the one and only penis I had ever seen, so fast forward to the second one I had ever seen at the age of almost 21, I FREAKED. Spaghetti is... well lets say a far improvment from Starter, tootsie roll? I used to say Starter H.S. boy's penis was like humpin' my thumb.

Thanks to Spaghetti and his wonderful penis I finally found out what a real orgasm was, and what a real penis should look like.

Sorry I was absent durring the time of this post, I would have liked to seen the deleted posts...either way LOVED everyone's stories.

Oh and yes I got grossed out thinking about Miniture penis boy from H.S....gag...

I also think the bumble bee story wins.

Feisty

Amanigirl said...
January 2, 2011 at 11:42 PM

You girls are too nice. I outright reject little penises. lol. Mean I suppose but why harbor delusions. He's the one wasting my time when he knows he isn't a man where it counts. Large for me thanks!

martin Schofield said...
September 16, 2012 at 4:46 AM

I know how he felt having a tiny cock