Tuesday's Thanks

It's Tuesday. Time to be thankful for the opportunity to provide the one fingered salute to all those people, places, things that have managed to piss you off over the last week. When you're Dual Mom, half the challenge is deciding on which ones to choose! Want to join in the fun (make no mistake, it's fun)...stop over at the Think Tank and hook up!

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To The Person Who Took Out the Electric Pole on my Road last Friday,


Thank you. I really do feel the need to share with you how you fucked up my day last Friday. You see I have a RIGID schedule I follow in the morning. Any deviation from this schedule puts the screws to my entire day, sending me into a complete tailspin where I froth at the mouth and fucks fly everywhere. Well, Mr. Fucktard, when you hit an electric pole at 2:00am on Friday morning and unbeknownst to me, knocked out power in my area you succeeded in doing just that. I opened my eyes at 6:30 am, my feet hit the floor and I screamed, “Dammit dammit dammit…..KIDS get up we’re soooo freakin late.” Fifteen minutes to get myself and three kids ready and out the door? Yeah pretty sure that’s not happening in this lifetime. I swear it was like watching the Tasmanian devil in action.

Then, THEN Mr. Fucktard, on my way to dropping the kids off there’s a detour in place because a highway crew is STILL cleaning up the mess you made while taking out the electric pole. Can you feel my frustration? Oh and there were lots of police looking for you. Apparently you thought it would be a banner idea to flee the scene of the accident. Obviously you were well enough to scamper away from the mess you made. What does that tell me?

Well Mr. Fucktard, that tells me there’s a 99.9% chance you were DRUNK AS ASS when you hit that pole at 2:00 am. Tell me how unsympathetic I am to assholes that drive while drinking; being that yours truly was almost killed by a drunk driver at the tender age of 3? No sympathy here and I’m pretty sure I’d beat you over the head with the electric pole given the slightest opportunity. Then I’d give the pole to my kids and let them beat you over the head with it for forcing them to endure psychotic mother in the throes of one of her ohdearjesuswearelatehurrythehellupIdonotknowwhereyourdamnipodis mornings.

One Pissed Off Mama

PS. I apologize if you’re of the female persuasion. If this is the case, please amend all salutations to Ms. Fucktard.

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Dear Sore Throat and Cold,

It’s been 14 months since I saw you last. I can't say I've really missed you much. I must thank you veryfuckingmuch for your recent visit. Please, please please just leave quietly and there will be no hard feelings. If you can’t go away, at least steer clear of my ears please. Why just last week my ENT guy had high praise for me and my ears. You know very well if you pay a visit to my ears than I’ll be required to pay a visit to my hospital, and really…no one wants that. Plus my ENT guy, yeah he’s away for the next 6 weeks so if you infect my ears I’m pretty much screwed. Do you know what happens when I try to get some other doc to suck the crap out of my ears? Yeah, it's not pretty.

I’ll give you lots of sleep, and vitamin C and chicken soup, just step away from the ears, please? Seriously. You can a kidney (I only need one), a piece of liver, a lung? Just leave the ears alone.

Thank you,
Can't breathe, can't smell, can't taste, can't sleep, can't hear.