Tuesday's Thanks

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Think Tank Momma

It's Tuesday. Time to be thankful for the opportunity to provide the one fingered salute to all those people, places, things that have managed to piss you off over the last week. When you're Dual Mom, half the challenge is deciding on which ones to choose! Want to join in the fun (make no mistake, it's fun)...stop over at the Think Tank and hook up!

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To The Person Who Took Out the Electric Pole on my Road last Friday,


Thank you. I really do feel the need to share with you how you fucked up my day last Friday. You see I have a RIGID schedule I follow in the morning. Any deviation from this schedule puts the screws to my entire day, sending me into a complete tailspin where I froth at the mouth and fucks fly everywhere. Well, Mr. Fucktard, when you hit an electric pole at 2:00am on Friday morning and unbeknownst to me, knocked out power in my area you succeeded in doing just that. I opened my eyes at 6:30 am, my feet hit the floor and I screamed, “Dammit dammit dammit…..KIDS get up we’re soooo freakin late.” Fifteen minutes to get myself and three kids ready and out the door? Yeah pretty sure that’s not happening in this lifetime. I swear it was like watching the Tasmanian devil in action.

Then, THEN Mr. Fucktard, on my way to dropping the kids off there’s a detour in place because a highway crew is STILL cleaning up the mess you made while taking out the electric pole. Can you feel my frustration? Oh and there were lots of police looking for you. Apparently you thought it would be a banner idea to flee the scene of the accident. Obviously you were well enough to scamper away from the mess you made. What does that tell me?

Well Mr. Fucktard, that tells me there’s a 99.9% chance you were DRUNK AS ASS when you hit that pole at 2:00 am. Tell me how unsympathetic I am to assholes that drive while drinking; being that yours truly was almost killed by a drunk driver at the tender age of 3? No sympathy here and I’m pretty sure I’d beat you over the head with the electric pole given the slightest opportunity. Then I’d give the pole to my kids and let them beat you over the head with it for forcing them to endure psychotic mother in the throes of one of her ohdearjesuswearelatehurrythehellupIdonotknowwhereyourdamnipodis mornings.

One Pissed Off Mama

PS. I apologize if you’re of the female persuasion. If this is the case, please amend all salutations to Ms. Fucktard.

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Dear Sore Throat and Cold,

It’s been 14 months since I saw you last. I can't say I've really missed you much. I must thank you veryfuckingmuch for your recent visit. Please, please please just leave quietly and there will be no hard feelings. If you can’t go away, at least steer clear of my ears please. Why just last week my ENT guy had high praise for me and my ears. You know very well if you pay a visit to my ears than I’ll be required to pay a visit to my hospital, and really…no one wants that. Plus my ENT guy, yeah he’s away for the next 6 weeks so if you infect my ears I’m pretty much screwed. Do you know what happens when I try to get some other doc to suck the crap out of my ears? Yeah, it's not pretty.

I’ll give you lots of sleep, and vitamin C and chicken soup, just step away from the ears, please? Seriously. You can a kidney (I only need one), a piece of liver, a lung? Just leave the ears alone.

Thank you,
Can't breathe, can't smell, can't taste, can't sleep, can't hear.

22 comments:

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...
March 2, 2010 at 1:05 PM

i can't hear either but i don't think it's from a cold. it could be from me slamming my head into the wall a lot

Laura said...
March 2, 2010 at 1:16 PM

Ugh the ears suck. For me it's the throat too, if my throat and ears hurt I'm just done. Crawl in bed and get some rest.

Homesick Cajun said...
March 2, 2010 at 1:52 PM

Oh yeah...he was drunk! I would have wanted to search him down and hurt him!!

Hope you're feeling better!

Mrsblogalot said...
March 2, 2010 at 2:03 PM

I can't do any of these things either but thanfully I can still read and gawk at pictures (-:

Secretia said...
March 2, 2010 at 2:16 PM

I'm with you, no sympathy left for impaired drivers. Enough wreckage of people and property.

Secretia

Aunt Juicebox said...
March 2, 2010 at 2:30 PM

What an asshole. Why is it that the people who choose to drive under the influence are never the ones who get hurt?

adrienzgirl said...
March 2, 2010 at 2:41 PM

Best part of your notes? PS, If you are of the female persuasion, I apologize, please substitute Ms. Fucktard!

God you make me laugh!! Love you!

MiMi said...
March 2, 2010 at 3:19 PM

I like the amended part for the Ms. in case it wasn't a Mr. LOL!

MindyMom said...
March 2, 2010 at 3:30 PM

Nice! Sorry about the bad start to your day compliments of Mr./Ms. Fucktard.

Good luck with the cold. I heard Zicam nips it pretty fast (the kind that melts on your tongue.)

June said...
March 2, 2010 at 3:30 PM

I completely relate to the can't breath, smell, taste, sleep, hear... fucking Mexican cooties.

I don't think I have ever heard my own ear drums crackling but I think I have rice crispy in my ears! *Snap*Crackle*Pop*

Daffy said...
March 2, 2010 at 3:59 PM

I love the salutations amendment...chances are it was a dude. That's just something a dude would do....

If I woke up at 6:30am I think I'd just have to scrap the whole damn day. It would mean I was starting a whole two hours late and like you, I'm morning routine down to the last minute oriented....not cool....not cool at all Mr. Fucktard

Hillbilly Duhn said...
March 2, 2010 at 4:36 PM

You shoulda wished your cold on the fucktards...male or female.. lol

BigSis said...
March 2, 2010 at 4:37 PM

I hate it when someone else's stupidity messes with my day. They deserve to be beaten!

Alex said...
March 2, 2010 at 4:47 PM

Oh that sucks.......Isn't is ridiculous that most of our days start at around 5am? Crazy.

Hope that cold packs its bags and pisses off shortly. Feel better soon.

The Blue Zoo said...
March 2, 2010 at 4:51 PM

Sorry that dumbass wrecked your morning! But at least it gave us this hilarious post to read!!

Kat said...
March 2, 2010 at 5:18 PM

Oh God, what a jerk Mr. Fucktard is!

Danielle said...
March 2, 2010 at 6:03 PM

I am not used to all the bright colors over here. Throws me a little.
I like it though.
Hope that your day gets better!

Canadian Blend said...
March 2, 2010 at 6:12 PM

I wonder if the electric-pole basher was on a cross-country rampage. We had one go down, down the block, on Saturday. I imagine the guy who hit ours remained at the scene as it was one of those metal jobs -- it likely disabled the vehicle that hit is.

powachair said...
March 3, 2010 at 6:15 AM

went to the gas station today to use their air. Needed to blow the cobwebs away. Didn't work. Have earache now.

Vinomom said...
March 3, 2010 at 1:59 PM

You have to be out of the house at 6:45 am every morning? I would rather die. No wonder you're such a bitch!

T!nK said...
March 3, 2010 at 10:11 PM

hahaha Vinomom made me chuckle.

Ian said...
March 19, 2010 at 4:38 PM

Fucktard. That's another one I like. What about ass-goblin and turd-burglar?

Don't forget, there's always enough Dragon punches, heart punches, and donkey punches to go around!