I was scheduled to speak at an awards ceremony last night. I rushed out to pick up kids, rushed to the pizza shop to pick up pizza for supper and rushed home in an effort to get back in town to my speaking thingy on time.
In my rush, I failed to notice that my driveway became a large bog of soup yesterday while I was at work. This is my car.
I bought this car last spring because it's red. What? Doesn't everyone purchase a brand new vehicle based solely on the fact that they get off on the color? It's red. It has 18 inch tires. You see, I live on a dirt road, my driveway is quite long and it is also dirt. What happens to dirt in the spring? If you guess it turns to mud you would be correct. The 18" tires were supposed to make living on a dirt road a bit more bearable. Yeah...not so much.
I got stuck in my driveway. I had 20 minutes to get back into town to my speaking thingy and I was buried to the axle in mud. My boys pushed and pulled and cursed and looked like mud zombies by the time they were done ...all to no avail. There was no way I was making it to the awards banquet, I called the organizer and we were able to get someone to fill in for me. So in all my infinite wisdom, I decided to leave the car, the ground still freezes at night, therby allowing me to get out in the morning.
Oh you had no idea I was a fucking idiot? Well now you do.
So this morning comes, the car isn't moving. As a matter of fact, the front tires aren't even spinning now, the car is buried that deep. I turn around and eldest son is on his cell phone, TO HIS FATHER. The same father that had to stand in his underwear two days ago while I ranted and raved at him. Monty is calling his father to tell him that I'm stuck, can Dad come get them for school? Dad comes in, and brings a chain with him. Ex drives some type of truck, don't ask me what it is, it's not red so I really don't care. He tries to pull my car out of the mud. My car isn't moving. I need to call a professional.
I call tow company: "I'm an idiot. Please send help." Tow truck will be there in 20 minutes.
I call work: "I'm an idiot. I'm stuck in mud, I will be late." Boss sympathizes and then laughs hysterically.
Tow truck comes and it takes him longer to write out the bill than it does to actually tow the car out of the mud. To a grand total of $100 dollars. Don't worry, I have a money tree growing in my backyard.
So I get in the car and drive out of the driveway waving lovingly to tow truck guy and blowing him kisses. As I drive down the road, I realize the inside of the door is covered in mud. I need to get rid of the mud because it's yucky and it will end up on my jacket. I pull out a cloth from the glove compartment (yes, while still driving) and open a bottle of water (still driving) and proceed to try and wet the cloth (still driving). The water runs off the cloth (still driving), between my legs and all over the seat of the car. As I drive down the road I can feel the seat of my jeans as it becomes wetter and wetter. At this point, I am one hour late for work. I can't turn around to change my clothes. I'm angry, broke, frustrated, wet, and muddy.
Please keep in mind I am a fucking idiot.
I arrive at work and walk into the building with my purse covering my ass. I walk into a friend's office; she is sitting there talking with another instructor. I turn around and ask, "Is my ass wet?" The immediate side splitting laughter that reaches my ears indicates that it does indeed look as though I've lost all control of my bladder and should be forced to wear Depends. Other instructor dude (who is blushing when I turn around so you just know he was checking out my flat, non-existant ass) is a computer electronics instructor and guess what computer electronic instructor dudes have? Hairdryers aka heat guns.
So girlfriend dries my ass with the heat gun. Because that's what friends do. Of course this is happening in instructor dudes office, while the ENTIRE class of students are wondering what the two chicks are doing with the heat gun. She now refers to me as "hot cheeks".
I swear, I couldn't make this shit up.
There is a VERY large glass of wine waiting for me at 4:00pm.