Thank Fuck It's Friday

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I should have taken pictures because this story would be so much more damn powerful with pictures.

I was scheduled to speak at an awards ceremony last night. I rushed out to pick up kids, rushed to the pizza shop to pick up pizza for supper and rushed home in an effort to get back in town to my speaking thingy on time.

In my rush, I failed to notice that my driveway became a large bog of soup yesterday while I was at work. This is my car.

I bought this car last spring because it's red. What? Doesn't everyone purchase a brand new vehicle based solely on the fact that they get off on the color? It's red. It has 18 inch tires. You see, I live on a dirt road, my driveway is quite long and it is also dirt. What happens to dirt in the spring? If you guess it turns to mud you would be correct. The 18" tires were supposed to make living on a dirt road a bit more bearable. Yeah...not so much.
I got stuck in my driveway. I had 20 minutes to get back into town to my speaking thingy and I was buried to the axle in mud. My boys pushed and pulled and cursed and looked like mud zombies by the time they were done ...all to no avail. There was no way I was making it to the awards banquet, I called the organizer and we were able to get someone to fill in for me. So in all my infinite wisdom, I decided to leave the car, the ground still freezes at night, therby allowing me to get out in the morning.

Oh you had no idea I was a fucking idiot? Well now you do.

So this morning comes, the car isn't moving. As a matter of fact, the front tires aren't even spinning now, the car is buried that deep. I turn around and eldest son is on his cell phone, TO HIS FATHER. The same father that had to stand in his underwear two days ago while I ranted and raved at him. Monty is calling his father to tell him that I'm stuck, can Dad come get them for school? Dad comes in, and brings a chain with him. Ex drives some type of truck, don't ask me what it is, it's not red so I really don't care. He tries to pull my car out of the mud. My car isn't moving. I need to call a professional.

I call tow company: "I'm an idiot. Please send help." Tow truck will be there in 20 minutes.

I call work: "I'm an idiot. I'm stuck in mud, I will be late." Boss sympathizes and then laughs hysterically.

Tow truck comes and it takes him longer to write out the bill than it does to actually tow the car out of the mud. To a grand total of $100 dollars. Don't worry, I have a money tree growing in my backyard.

So I get in the car and drive out of the driveway waving lovingly to tow truck guy and blowing him kisses. As I drive down the road, I realize the inside of the door is covered in mud. I need to get rid of the mud because it's yucky and it will end up on my jacket. I pull out a cloth from the glove compartment (yes, while still driving) and open a bottle of water (still driving) and proceed to try and wet the cloth (still driving). The water runs off the cloth (still driving), between my legs and all over the seat of the car. As I drive down the road I can feel the seat of my jeans as it becomes wetter and wetter. At this point, I am one hour late for work. I can't turn around to change my clothes. I'm angry, broke, frustrated, wet, and muddy.

Please keep in mind I am a fucking idiot.

I arrive at work and walk into the building with my purse covering my ass. I walk into a friend's office; she is sitting there talking with another instructor. I turn around and ask, "Is my ass wet?" The immediate side splitting laughter that reaches my ears indicates that it does indeed look as though I've lost all control of my bladder and should be forced to wear Depends. Other instructor dude (who is blushing when I turn around so you just know he was checking out my flat, non-existant ass) is a computer electronics instructor and guess what computer electronic instructor dudes have? Hairdryers aka heat guns.

So girlfriend dries my ass with the heat gun. Because that's what friends do. Of course this is happening in instructor dudes office, while the ENTIRE class of students are wondering what the two chicks are doing with the heat gun. She now refers to me as "hot cheeks".

I swear, I couldn't make this shit up.

There is a VERY large glass of wine waiting for me at 4:00pm.



42 comments:

Logical Libby said...
March 12, 2010 at 10:47 AM

i think you have earned the right to go back home, crawl into bed, and sleep until Monday, only waking to drink wine.

Sharon said...
March 12, 2010 at 10:51 AM

You have the funniest life. I hope your weekend is calmer.

The Only Girl said...
March 12, 2010 at 10:55 AM

You have definitely earned that glass of wine!

Pictures would have been awesome. Please carry a camera with you at all times going forward. I have a feeling this may not be the last "situation" you get yourself into!

The Martha Complex said...
March 12, 2010 at 10:59 AM

I just ran across your blog & I have to say I love it. This is sooo something that would happen to me & I love that someone else shares my kinda luck!

Kim said...
March 12, 2010 at 11:21 AM

You know, if you just increase your upper body strength with a few light weights every night, I'm pretty sure you will be able to carry that little car out of the mud next time.

BigSis said...
March 12, 2010 at 11:23 AM

Aw, you poor thing. I hope you have a stellar weekend! The moral of the story for me is that "girlfriend dries my ass with the heat gun. Because that's what friends do."

GunDiva said...
March 12, 2010 at 11:45 AM

Gotta love your work family who will all pitch in when you need it. I once had my co-worker put lotion on my ass (well, right above my ass) because I'd sunburned it and couldn't reach...this story is just getting worse and worse. Nevermind, let's just say that my work family has helped me out in a pinch or two more than once.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...
March 12, 2010 at 12:04 PM

Well, that had to be the most interesting blow job I have read about~!

Mrsblogalot said...
March 12, 2010 at 12:04 PM

LOFL!!!!!!!!! I am laughing so hard at this. Please don't be mad! (-:

MindyMom said...
March 12, 2010 at 12:11 PM

Glad you can laugh about it all now. I'll be joining you with that glass of wine after my lovely week.

*clink*

Hope your weekend is good!

My Mercurial Nature said...
March 12, 2010 at 12:16 PM

Bad news: You're out $100

Good news: That's the funniest thing I've read all week! Which really means, I'm laughing at your expense (ba dum bum)!

Aphrodite's Mortal Friend (ME) said...
March 12, 2010 at 12:34 PM

You don't need to wait 'till 4 ... really, that story is crazy!!

wines constantly said...
March 12, 2010 at 12:44 PM

May as well skip the glass and drink straight from the bottle.

Sorry you had such a shit day, but it makes for a hilarious story! I'm still laughing.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...
March 12, 2010 at 1:00 PM

Honey..there is a BOTTLE of wine waiting for you!!

MiMi said...
March 12, 2010 at 1:33 PM

I'm feeling like deja vu here. I have had a similar hell before.
I wouldn't call you an idiot. I would dry your ass with heat gun if you needed it. :)

L said...
March 12, 2010 at 1:35 PM

As I was reading, I was thinking, "She needs a hairdryer!" Thank fuck you found one! Ha!

Linda Medrano said...
March 12, 2010 at 2:03 PM

Madam you could be considered a hazard to yourself and others. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing while I spilled coffee all down the front of me! This is hilarious!

Dual Mom said...
March 12, 2010 at 2:23 PM

Kim's comment about carrying the car just about made me piss myself (again...only this time I don't think girlfriend would have been so willing to dry my wet ass)

Gundiva - workmates that rub lotion on your ass really are the best kind.

Happy Hour - only you girl...only you!

L- totally thank fuck!

As for the rest of you that have gotten a chuckle at my expense - I live to serve.

~J said...
March 12, 2010 at 3:04 PM

Okay...this just gave me the biggest laugh of my day! I love your blog--you rock!

Secretia said...
March 12, 2010 at 3:04 PM

I'd leave early today and start drinking immediately, hell it is Friday!

Secretia

Homesick Cajun said...
March 12, 2010 at 5:48 PM

Oh no! You sure didn't have a good morning did you! Sorry boo! Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Quixotic said...
March 12, 2010 at 5:52 PM

See - it's not just me!!!! These are the sorts of things that happen to me, it's never just one little thing go wrong, it's a whoel domino-chain if fuckeduppityness. Though I've never needed a blow-job from a co-worker to solve mine.. gold medal to you m'lady...

Danielle said...
March 12, 2010 at 6:16 PM

You might want to make that 2 glasses of wine after all that!

Kat said...
March 12, 2010 at 6:29 PM

LMAO!!! You deserve the whole bottle!

GregoryJ said...
March 12, 2010 at 8:25 PM

So funny.
I won't call you an idiot.
Not yet anyway.
I don't know you well enough.
Can I laugh at you though?

Kaylen said...
March 12, 2010 at 8:56 PM

omg--this has my vote for the funniest blog of the day! I don't know where to vote...but if I did--I would vote for you!!!

I love so much of this: like how you don't know what kind of truck he has cause it isn't red.

And how you knew the ground would freeze and then somhow your car would be lifted to the top of the freeze. lol-hilarious.

And a heat gun!!!! Genuis!!!!

June said...
March 12, 2010 at 9:14 PM

Thank you so much for sharing life adventures!! LMAO!

Sorry Baby, but you had at leaving the car stuck in the mud all night!
Bwaahhhhaaa!

Thank the sweet Lord for heat guns at work.

Daffy said...
March 12, 2010 at 10:08 PM

....ahhhh....I understand your life lesson comment so much better now.

Heh...you got blown by a chick....heh

Tiffany said...
March 12, 2010 at 10:36 PM

could you please tell me where i can score som seeds for said money tree?

so sorry for such a horrific time--enjoy the wine and try and have a great weekend. :)

sarah @ i run with scissors said...
March 13, 2010 at 12:22 AM

and with that story... you are officially my hero.

vinomom said...
March 13, 2010 at 1:04 AM

My glass of wine would have been ready at noon! Weather is a bitch. Loved this part "It's not red so I don't really care..."

Hope your weekend is less eventful.

Mad Woman said...
March 13, 2010 at 1:37 AM

Ohmigosh I love you so much. This story just made my entire day. Nay! WEEK!! You're awesome.

Scribe said...
March 13, 2010 at 3:44 AM

Thank Fuck it's Friday, indeed!!!

Bring on the wine! Or Tequila! It solves everything. ;)

gayle said...
March 13, 2010 at 12:26 PM

This is so funnY!!! Lucky you that you got dry!!

Raoulysgirl said...
March 14, 2010 at 1:01 AM

I'm curious to know if either ex or tow truck driver were in their underwear???

(I apologize. When I get on a train of thought, I have trouble disembarking from said train.)

Michelle Pixie said...
March 14, 2010 at 12:42 PM

I am sure 4:00 couldn't come soon enough after a start like that! I love that she is now calling you Hot Cheeks! There are much worse things to be called but that is just hysterical. :D

Taylorvillegirl said...
March 14, 2010 at 2:00 PM

I love your restraint. That little episode would have sent me to the liquor store on the way to work! Hope your weekend is better.

T!nK said...
March 14, 2010 at 6:09 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

powachair said...
March 15, 2010 at 5:38 AM

whoever doesn't buy a car because of it's colour, must be lying. lol

Queen of Feisty said...
March 15, 2010 at 11:30 AM

LOL! I have to say it's 930 in the morning, my kids decided to start a marching band with a toy drum and then yelling, of coarse on the morning I have a big ol' ass headache cuz I stayed up till 2 am with my BFF bullshitting.

So my point is that your hot cheeks really makes my morning. Thankyouverymuch... still doesn't fix the headache, or the noisey kids but thats what coffee is for.

Feisty

Menopausal New Mom said...
March 15, 2010 at 2:39 PM

OMG, I'm glad I was out of town for this one. What a day you had and I'm wondering if a big glass of wine was enough!

Ian said...
March 19, 2010 at 4:34 PM

Thank FUCK it's Friday...so where's this Friday's post? What the fuck is going on here?

I have an idea.

Make all these peepz over here vote for you.

What say you?

Do I need whip all deez ho's into shape?

Don't make me crack da whip and break out dis pimp hand!