Doubt is Thy Enemy

I doubt myself constantly. I doubt whether I'm being fair to SWSNBN, I question whether I'm being unreasonable or irrational. Because when I'm not filled with anger over something she has said or done I really really would rather not have to spend my time and energy thinking about this shit. Your comments on my last post mean so much to me. Especially hearing from bonus moms that my anger is validated. It means the world to me, because no one in my real life really understands how complex this relationship is. The thing is...I'm not spineless. People in my real life, are scared of pissing me off. I have been told this on more than one occassion. For some reason, I question every decision I make when it comes to this woman. I question whether it's alright to make her cry.

Jacobathewell, the school my children (now only Nora as the boys are in high school) have accepted forms signed by SWSNBN in the past for field trips. I don't know if the high school the boys attend would accept it. I live in Canada, small small community, the type of community where when you meet someone new and introduce yourself, "Hi, my name is Dual Mom......" standard operating procedure is for the other person to rhyme off people they know with your last name until they find a common connection.,,it usually only take two or three names. I digress...

So would you like to hear what happened? By 9:00 last night I had not heard from either of them and had consumed several glasses of wine. Let's just say I'm a cheap date and two is more than enough. So I called their house. She answered the phone and I politely said hello and asked to speak with Ex.

Her: "Ex is just getting in the door Dual Mom, can he give you a call back"
Me: Sure that's no problem, I'm in for the night.
Her: Dual Mom, about your emails today......
Me: Yes?
Her: Do you really think it's the right thing not to get the kids vaccinated?
Me: No SWSNBN, I don't think it's the right thing to do at all. I just thought it would be a kick to play russian roulette with my kids lives, just to spice things up a bit....you know....for shits and giggles.
Her: I don't appreciate your sarcasm.
Me: Well you know what SWSNBN, I don't appreciate being challenged on this decision.
Her: Well, I do help look after them, I do love them.
Me: Yes, I get that. And I have thanked you for that in the past. But this is their parents decision, not yours.
Her: You have no right to exclude me from this decision.
Me: You know what SWSNBN, I have every right to exclude you from this decision. It is my right as their mother.

And then I hear it, my daughter speaking in the background. My little girl is sitting there listening to the entire conversation. Unfuckingbelievable.....

Me: Is Nora sitting right there?
Her: Yes, she's just on her way to bed.
Me: You're letting her sit there listening to us argue?
Her: We're not arguing.
Me: Well we are now. Because you know what SWSNBN it is not ok for you to do this. This is just wrong for you to try and undermine me like this in front of my daughter. Do you get that? She's my daughter. The boys are my sons. I am their mother. You don't need to remind me when her fucking birthday is SWSNBN because I remember (oh yes she did 2 years ago, I still have the email). I remember how much the fucking labor hurt, I remember how excited Ex and I were because boy were we hoping for a little girl. I remember seeing his face when the doctor said "It's a girl". I was there SWSNBN, we were there, and while I understand that this history may threaten you...please be rest assured that I in no way have any interest in your and Ex's life together....but you can also be assured that if you fuck with my kids like this I will make you rue the day you ever met any of us.
Her: Are you drunk?

All I could do was laugh.......I laughed and laughed (which just made her more convinced that I was drunk). This is the first time in over 8years I have screamed at her. This is the first time I have swore at her. She has NEVER heard me speak to anyone like this. I wasn't drunk, but the wine had loosened my tongue and removed the filters that I normally keep in place when dealing with her.

I hung up the phone. I was sweating I had worked myself up into such a state.

Ex called back not three minutes later. He gave me shit for "upsetting" SWSNBN, he ranted about how unfair it was of me and blah blah blah blah. This is what I said to him:

Ex, I'm done. I'm done biting my tongue, I'm done trying to keep the peace, I'm done participating in this sick need she has to compete with me for the love of our children. I'm just done (I start crying at this point, which makes me twice as angry because I hate crying). It's not ok for her to do and say the things she does Ex. It's not. While I get that you don't see that, I would hope that you know me well enough to know that if I'm crying...if I'm crying Ex there's a reason for it. In the 8 years we were together you say me cry once. Once Ex, after my mother died. So you need to get that what she's doing is hurting me. (stopping to breathe.....he's speechless). There will be no vaccines Ex, there will be no more decisions made by her without consulting me first. Because you need to get that I'm done with all of this. I have lost my ability to be rational. I do not want to fight with you, I do not want to fight with her, but if you cannot respect my wishes in this regard, I will force you to respect them.

We had managed to get through 9 years without threatening each other. And I fucked it all up.

He quietly said, "I'll call you tomorrow Dual Mom, I don't think us talking right now is the best thing to do"

To which I replied: "That's probably one of the smartest things I've ever heard you say."

And I hung up....again.

She did not email me today. He obviously told her not to and she listened to him. It killed her, I know it did, not to be able to send an email full of passive aggressive snide comments.

Thank you .....reading your comments this evening means more than you will ever know. Had I not had this blog I would have sat here all evening crucifying myself for fucking things up. But I'm not. She's wrong. It's not ok for her to do this. I know that.

How Do You Make It Work?

I moved out in August 2000. At that time, we had lived together for 6 years in his parents home. When I got pregnant with our second child, we looked into purchasing a house. Ex is an only child. His parents immediately jumped on the bandwagon and convinced me (Ex needed no convincing) that it would be a perfectly wonderful idea to have them build an in-law suite onto their three bedroom, huge house - give us the house and have them move into the in-law suite. Essentially this would allow us to have the bigger home we needed, rent/mortgage free (sounds like a dream, right?) while allowing them to have their grandbabies nearby. The reasons not to do this are endless and a post onto itself.

So in August of 2000 after three months of bitter bitter arguments with Ex, I moved out. The arguments were not over the house (I didn't want it), or alimony (I didn't want any), or child support (I didn't want any). He wanted me to stay. He could not understand why I was leaving. The fact that we could not speak to each other in a civil tone was not a reason for ending a marriage. The fact that we never slept in the same bed together was not a reason. The fact that I was critisized anytime I wanted to do anything outside the house (see friends, go out with the girls, have a life) was not a reason. The fact that we had grown so far apart and wanted completely different things from life was not a reason. He loved me, even though we fought constantly and in his mind that should be enough to hold a marriage together.

When I think back now on how damaging those three months must have been to my children it makes me shudder....

So I left....with two of the children. Two you say, but Dual Mom you have three kids? Yes I do. Monty, the oldest refused to come with me. He was 8. He was and remains to this day, his father's son. He loves his Daddy. I (foolishly I admit) believed at the time that it would be the right thing to leave Monty with his father, taking the other two with me. We had agreed that this would work, we would alternate weekends with all three kids. Fuck I was so stupid back then. It was awful....Monty was being spoiled by his father and grandparents, and the other two children felt like second class citizens. It lasted for three weeks when I put a stop to it. I told Ex all three kids needed to be together, we were out of our minds batshit crazy to think that seperating them would work. He reluctantly agreed. Monty hated me for six months after. He missed his father so much that he would sob in my arms when he was with me. I have never asked Ex if he cried like that when he was with him........I don't think I could handle it if the answer was no. We finally agreed all three children would stay with each of us two days a week and would alternate weekends.

Some facts: At the time of the break-up I moved into a two bedroom apartment in the capital city. This was a 25 minute drive from Ex's house. It was also out of the school district. I did not want Monty (who was going into grade 2) and Jimmy (who was starting kindergarten) to have to switch schools. My office was located 45 minutes from my new house - and Ex's house was halfway between. So it came to be that the children were all together, they shared equal time with both parents, they had the security of continuing in the school with all their friends.

Was it hard? It was so hard. Keep in mind Ex and I had been together since I was 17 years old. I got pregnant with Monty when I was 18. We moved into an apartment together before Monty was born. So here I was, not quite 25 years old, and alone for the first time in my life, with three children, half the household income I was used to (oh when I think of the glorious days of disposable income) and a child who hated me for tearing his family apart. I had no family, my mother had died 3 years earlier, my sisters and brother all lived in other parts of the country. I survived, we survived, and eventually started to flourish. For anyone out there that may be going through this right now, all I can say to you is keeping getting up in the morning, try to keep smiling, laugh when you can, cry when you must, but just keep going because I can swear on all that I hold dear...it does get better.

So our week looked like this: If the children were with me on Monday and Tuesday, they were with Ex on Wednesday and Thursday, then back with me on Friday for the weekend. Then reverse the order the following week. It worked. It worked because I was able to drop the two older kids off at Ex's in the morning on my way to work, where they caught the bus for school. Nora was dropped at the sitters. In the evening after work, I would pick them up at their father's and continue on home. I could have demanded that they change schools, forcing him to do the travelling, but to what end? I was driving by his house twice a day anyway. It made sense (except to those who like to judge me for not being a full-time mom). Did I miss my children? There were days I would come home to the empty apartment and sink to the floor and cry I missed them so much. But it did not matter, I did not matter. They were adjusting and happy and that is all that mattered to me. Over time I learned to keep myself busy when they weren't with me, I worked alot, made new friends and eventually started dating (again, keep in mind, I had never dated as an adult...alot of fun, I highly recommend it). The times when I would completely break down because I missed the kids became fewer and farther between. To this day I miss them when they are not with me, but I know they are being looked after, they are being loved by their father. The proof that what I was (and am) doing was the right thing was in the glee I saw in my children's eyes.

Neither of us has ever spent a cent on lawyers fees. We have never seen the inside of a courtroom. We have no "official" custody arrangement. Threats of lawsuits and custody battles have never crossed either my or his lips. He has never given me a cent of support. I have never asked. I left the house, taking a couch, my clothes and a few of the childrens things. I borrowed beds for the kids from a friend. Now....now we have a house, bought by me and me alone. They have everything they need and much more. Do I say that with a touch of pride....you're damn right I do.

Today, the kids spend one week with me and one week with Ex. They are older and it allows them to feel settled. There are issues, I can't stand his gf, he thinks I should be more of a "helicopter" mom, he thinks I'm too hard on Monty with regard to his school work, I think he's small minded. I changed jobs two years ago which now sees me having to make the 25 minute drive out to his house so the kids can go to school when they are with me, 25 minutes back to the city to go to work, repeat in the evenings. It's a pain in the ass. I admit...and expensive. Will I change the arrangement? No. My kids are happy. Monty and Jimmy will both have their license soon. These issues rarely cause undue acrimony between us, we have learned over the years to accept the others flaws (the irony of this does not escape me).

Holidays are spent with whichever parent has them that week. Except for Christmas. Christmas eve is spent with whichever parent has them. They go with the other parent at noon on Christmas Day. I will admit to getting very very inebriated the FIRST Christmas eve they spent with him. It made me physically ill not to have them with me. They had a blast with him. The proof is in the puddin as they say. All this makes me sound like an angel right? No, I'm not. I do shitty things like saying "You're father shouldn't have done that" to the kids. I shouldn't do that. I catch myself bitching about SWSNBN sometimes and have to make a concentrated effort to just bite my tongue and say nothing. I let the fact that Ex and SWSNBN(who do not pay a mortgage, heat, or hydro) are able to buy the kids whatever they want, bother me. I hate that it bothers me. I let SWSNBN pull me into this sick, dysfunctional type of competition because she has a pathetic need to prove that she's on par with me. There's alot of things I do that I know I should not.

I'm sitting in the living room watching the kids outside on the front lawn throw leaves at each other. I can hear their laughter from where I sit. We must be doing something right...

Communication Part Trois

Hello Dual Mom
If you get a chance tonight, call the house after the interview. We are quite interested to hear what she has to say this time as I am sure it will not be great. If you can not, send me an email tomorrow. I wish there was some way we could get to the bottom of it. He just reminds me of a child with Attention Deficit Disorder. He has no attention span at all. One minute he wants something and then he forgets all about it. He bullies the other 2 quite a bit. I also noticed that when he is learning, one minute he is great and then he forgets it all. These are all the signs. It does run in the family as xxx had it when he was younger. Poor (Ex's aunt) had to make 5 trips to different Doctors before she had him diagnosed. Every one of them said there was nothing wrong. Finally, the last one diagnosed him and gave him medicine and he graduated with honors.Imagine that! I know he struggles and I really think there is a reason behind it all. He can learn when he wants to. Have you ever noticed him talk about History, he absolutely loves it.

Then again, it could be a lot of things that is the cause of it. I could understand his home life bothering him when he was younger. It must have been very hard for him to have his parents splitting up like that and then a new girl shows up and R too. But, that should not be an issue now. He has a pretty good life from what I can see. He has the best of both worlds!
I will be going home very shortly . If you do happen to call the house tonight and you are talking to Ex, send me an email tomorrow anyway. Sometimes poor Ex doesn't repeat the story as he should. I would rather hear it from you LOL.
Talk soon
SWSNBN

This whole email made me lose my shit. And I cannot determine whether that's what she intended or if she's just insensitive. First off, Monty does not have ADD. Though SWSNBN would like everyone to think otherwise, she is by no means an expert on ADD and has been around ONE child in her life who has been diagnosed as ADD. I do not believe in medicating children because they are too damn lazy to do their schoolwork. I fully realize there are parents out there that believe this is the best thing for their child. That is their choice and I do not question it. I do NOT believe it will ever be the best choice for my children. So piss off SWSNBN with your armchair diagnosis.
Second, his home life?????? HIS fucking home life, how dare she talk about his home life when she started having sleepovers with the EX ONE MONTH AFTER I MOVED OUT. Can you tell I'm just a tad bit sensitive about this? What is that shit? Is she making a dig? Is that what it is? Is she trying to say I permanently fucked up my son by leaving a really bad marriage? I get that I could be just really sensitive about this.
This email exchange was 2 years ago (yes I kept it ... I'm a loser). Monty is now in gr11, he hates school, he gets by by the skin of his teeth and does minimal work. My rant on public education is a post for another time. He does not have ADD. The child would rather be playing with an old car than learning about Georgraphy. It is only because he's deathly afraid of his father and I that he's still in school. His father quit school in grade 11 and Monty likes to argue with me that his father has done ok. I argue that I have higher expectations than OK for my son.
So tell me blogger world, am I too sensitive when it comes to this woman?
Wait until I tell you about the time she felt the need to remind me that my daughter's birthday was coming up......

Communication

I think I am pretty fair when it comes to communicating with Ex. What I have a problem with is Ex prefers to leave the communicating to SWSNBN. He has his reasons for this, it's difficult to get in touch with him during the day, plus he doesn't like to talk. I'm serious when I say that. So I try....I try so hard to be the bigger person and allow him his preferred method of communication....see email below from me.


SWSNBN-
Can you let Ex know I got a call from Monty's teacher last night. Apparently he's not doing his math homework and on Monday he passed in a science lab that she immediately returned to him because it was unacceptable. He also had some sort of "myth" due today. She posted this myth on the homework site yesterday and it was due today. It's not done, I didn't check the homework site yesterday and she called me at 9:00 last night. Of course he didn't tell me that he had to do this. Anyway, I'll deal with that this evening or maybe she'll make him do it after school today. She did make him stay in yesterday to do the math he hadn't done. He told me on Monday and again last night that he had done his homework before I picked them up, I'm obviously going to have to stop falling for that line.
Anyway, just thought I would let Ex know that the #1 son is at it again.:0) Parent teacher interviews are on Thursday night so I'll let Ex know how that goes. Honestly, I'm just ready to choke the kid.....
Thanks
Dual Mom

That's a nice, cordial email, right? I'm communicating, being friendly, no ulterior motive. Just trying to get everyone on the same page with regard to Monty's schoolwork. I get this response from SWSNBN:

Dual Mom
He will never learn
He wanted to go to the concert and I really would have taken him, but I told him he would really have to pull up his socks first. He told me yesterday that you may take him. Maybe that is another threat for him, unless he picks it up he is not going. We had already got our xxx tickets and they were $150. He loves xxx so much but he is not showing any improvement at all.
When I got home yesterday, he was sitting at the table doing homework. I can vouch for that, but he finished soon after I came in. Ex is not very good with the school stuff and if you ever want me to go with you to the interviews let me know. It is me that helps with homework and projects. Ex usually only helps out with the easy stuff, like spellings and reading.
I will pick him up today and I will let Ex know that he is back to his old tricks.
SWSNBN

Total adult communication right? She's trying to be helpful and engaged. I chuckle at the line "Ex is not very good with school stuff" (actually I laugh my ass off at this).  Gee do ya think? Am I being bitchy when I ask myself "Why the hell would I need her to come to parent teacher interviews with me"?
My response in the next post, blogger won't let me copy and paste anymore into this one....what's up with that?

Dual Life

I sometimes feel like a schizophrenic. I'm not...at least I don't think I am...no, I'm not...seriously. But let me tell you why I sometimes feel like a shizophrenic (because I know you really give a shit). As stated in previous post, my ex (who shall be further more named Ex...creative huh?)and I share custody of our three children. By share I mean that they spend one week at my house, and one week at his house. Monday to Monday. So for two weeks out of each month, I essentially live the life of a thirty-something single woman. Sounds good to all you Mom's out there who are right now just wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole because dammit if you have to listen to one more argument over a damn plastic toy you may just hang yourself in the backyard. I know. It does sound good, and it is.

It took me a long time to get to a place where I can openly admit it is good, to get over the feelings of guilt I had with regard to not being a full-time Mom. Though we like to believe we are a truly enlightened society living in the 21st century, when it comes to motherhood, we really aren't. Society frowns on a mother who does not have her children with her 7 days a week, and if said mother actually does this by choice, well let's just burn her at the stake and let the ashes scatter in the wind.

When Ex and I were in the process of seperating, the kids were 8, 6 and 2. We were breaking up because I could not be married to this man anymore. There was no abuse, he was not a raging alcoholic, there was no adultery. I was 26 years old, he was 29 and we were so freakin different that it was tearing me apart trying to stay married. Had I not gotten pregnant at 18 there is no doubt in my mind we would not have been together. When I told him I was leaving I assumed the kids would come with me and he would see them on weekends. One evening about two weeks prior to my moving out with the kids he said to me with tears in his eyes, "Dual Mom, I did not have children to be a part-time father".  I couldn't argue with him....he was right. I started questioning why I assumed the kids would automatically spend the majority of their time with me. Why did I assume I had that right? My kids love their father, as much as they love me. Why was it ok for me (and society) to expect that he would settle for being a part-time father?

So I agreed with him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life but I agreed that I had no right to "take his kids away". I had no right to expect that he would willingly accept whatever crumbs of fatherhood, I , the mother, would willingly throw to him. There were no issues with his ability to father, he was (and remains) a good father. Yes, I birthed the little buggers, but did that automatically entitle me carte blanche to dictate how they would be raised? I tried, trust me, I tried desperately to justify to myself that as their mother, I had this right. But I couldn't, I couldn't justify it.

So instead I spent the next five years or so trying to justify it to society. Oh it pisses me off so much when I think of how I allowed this know-it-all, narrow minded, judgemental asses to make me feel so inferior, so wrong. Co-workers that would raise there eyebrows when I said the children were at their father's for the week. It made me less of a mother in their eyes, I could see it. I somehow loved my children less because I willingly agreed to allow their father to parent them equally. I have stopped justifying it. I no longer explain myself at all and let them think what they will, they do no matter what I say anyway. I don't care anymore and it has taken me a long time to get there. I don't care anymore because I have three children that are happy, social, smart, loving kids. I don't care anymore because my decision is validated by the glowing comments from their teachers, by the giggles  coming from Nora and a room full of her friends as they paint each others nails.

People that don't know shit shouldn't judge.

And on that note, I think we should all get together and put balloon boy's Dad in the balloon and set his ass off into the great blue yonder. Jesus the world is full of idiots.....

Nuff said.