Attitude? Who Me?

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Think Tank Momma

It's Tuesday, time for Gratitude with Attitude brought to you by the snarkalicious Zgirl over at the Think Tank. Hop on over and link up or she'll stab you in the elbow.

The fruit of my loins seem to be doing everything in their power to drive their poor ole' mamma into an early grave, or a straight jacket. There are weeks I would hump the leg of the person that invented wine, seriously. Hey, wine is my valium. Don't judge.

Dear daughter, heart of my heart, love of my life, spawn of satan:

When I told you 6 million, 436 thousand times not to drink juice while using my laptop, did you think I was joking? Do you really believe your mamma just runs off at the mouth because she likes the sound of her own voice? Has it never dawned on you that your mamma may know what she's talking about and perhaps it just might be a good idea to actually do what she says sometimes?

I saw you taking a sip of the juice at the exact moment your brother cracked a joke about something he was watching on tv. The rest was like watching a bad movie in slow motion. Or like when you're having a nightmare that someone is chasing you but your legs won't move even though your lungs feel as though they're about to explode from exertion.

I watched as you valiantly tried not to laugh, smushing your lips together to prevent the juice from escaping, desperately trying to set the cup back onto the table so that you could cover your mouth with your hand (you know, you do have two hands, right?) Then I watched the juice spew from your mouth all over MY laptop. All I could do was stand in the doorway shouting "Nooooooooooooooooooo"

So thank you daughter. Oh it's ok really, who needs a numeric keypad (not this mamma who bought the damn laptop SPECIFICALLY for the numeric keypad). And being able to use the left click button...highly overrated, right?

Thanks for not listening,
Nurmerically challenged Mamma

Dear children,

Your mamma works damn hard. I go without designer shoes in order to ensure that you ungrateful little arsewipes darling loves have well balanced, nutrient rich food. When I served this the other evening (this is an actual pic of my dinner) -

and you looked at is as though I had set a steaming plate of this in front of you ...

(this is NOT an actual pic of my arse)

It makes me want to do this (this is not an actual pic...oh hell do I need to explain this):

I'll thank you very much to remember, there are two items on the menu in mamma's kitchen:

  1. Take it.
  2. Leave it
Thank you very much,
Mammas going to buy shoes and you can eat peanut butter


Anonymous said...
March 30, 2010 at 12:37 AM

that looks delish!!

gayle said...
March 30, 2010 at 12:42 AM

Love these!! It kills me that kids never like what you are cooking. Even now my grandson's momma ( my youngest) turns her nose up at what I am cooking unless it is one of her favorites. She is getting even with............her son is a very picky eater. Lord, I hope your daughter didn't completely screw up your computer.

Mad Woman said...
March 30, 2010 at 12:42 AM

Huh. We serve those same two things here in my kitchen. And for dessert they get to choose between a) my way or b) the highway.

Lori E said...
March 30, 2010 at 1:06 AM

Little buggers never listen and it is always your stuff that gets ruined.
My sons are grown but we still often joke "this is why I can't have nice things". Tongue only slightly in cheek. Little buggers.

*LLUVIA* said...
March 30, 2010 at 1:19 AM

buaahahahahaa @ the second picture!! It's hilarious!!!

That dish looks good!!! I'll eat that and then some!

Homesick Cajun said...
March 30, 2010 at 8:39 AM

Oh thank God my son has his own laptop! I'd have to hurt him lol!

BigSis said...
March 30, 2010 at 9:06 AM

I like your two options for dinner. We usually have Eat it or Starve :)

Ian said...
March 30, 2010 at 9:22 AM

That's fucking awesome. All of it.

Anonymous said...
March 30, 2010 at 10:06 AM

You can cook for me!

But yeah, that was MY mom's attitude. Eat it or make your own. I usually ate cereal.

Mrsblogalot said...
March 30, 2010 at 10:07 AM

Is there anything better to serve than a hot plate of take it or leave it?

LOL!! Awesome!!!

Sharon said...
March 30, 2010 at 10:33 AM

that looks yummy. cook for me? :)

kyooty said...
March 30, 2010 at 10:40 AM

Oh that supper looks fabulous!

June said...
March 30, 2010 at 10:52 AM

I server those same two dishes myself. My Mom taught me how to make them.

Pinkus isn't allowed to have any type of liquid near the computers or laptop because he is a bigger klutz than me!

Erin said...
March 30, 2010 at 11:39 AM

I am cracking up over here---that sand pic is PRICELESS and I totally feel ya. I get so sick of cooking stuff that nobody eats.

And the laptop story? omg. I am constantly shooing my two away from my computer. I am so scared something will happen to it.

p.s. I would've totally scarfed down that dinner and asked for seconds!

Erin said...
March 30, 2010 at 11:40 AM

p.s. wine is my valium, too!

Angelia said...
March 30, 2010 at 11:52 AM

ROFL! That is fantastic! My kids are "darlings" as well! Can't wait to read more!

blueviolet said...
March 30, 2010 at 12:20 PM

I would have gobbled up that deliciousness in a heartbeat and asked for seconds. And I would have cleaned up your laptop as a thank you!

My Mercurial Nature said...
March 30, 2010 at 12:59 PM

I'm convinced that my children really do believe I talk just to hear the sound of my own voice. And sometimes, there's not enough wine in the world!

MiMi said...
March 30, 2010 at 1:50 PM

That looks SOOOO good!
My kids cry every night at dinner. Seriously. At least they're 6 and 4 though...if they were older I think I'D cry.

carma said...
March 30, 2010 at 2:29 PM

shame on those ingrates for not appreciating that healthy meal you slaved over! ;-)

Danielle said...
March 30, 2010 at 2:36 PM

The comments all say that looks so good. I can't get past the big pile of shit and am hoping that they are not talking about that! :)

Linda Medrano said...
March 30, 2010 at 4:08 PM

Your dinner looks wonderful. What's the matter with those people? (Oh wait! Are they kids???) LOL!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...
March 30, 2010 at 6:02 PM

I wish I was one of your kids. That meal looks amazing.

GunDiva said...
March 30, 2010 at 8:46 PM

Don't have time to read all of the comments - sorry, but I wanted to tell you that you can take your laptop apart pretty easily and flush it with hot water, let it airdry for a day and it'll work great. My son dropped an entire big can of Monster on my computer and I was able to salvage it that way.

As for your dinner - it looks awesome. You can cook for me anytime!

middle child said...
March 30, 2010 at 9:23 PM

I feel for you. Especially when I read that you are going without designer shoes. If you wear a size 8,...give me a holla!

I adore your blog.

Aunt Juicebox said...
March 30, 2010 at 9:55 PM

Hey come on over and make that for me. I promise to eat it. Hell, if someone else made me the damn pb sandwich, I'd eat that too. Nothing better than food I don't have to make myself!

Lisa said...
March 31, 2010 at 12:13 AM

Dear Children of DM,

You have a very patient, doting, and tenderly loving mother. Now straighten up before she ends us in a straight jacket...then what are you gonna eat there.

Dear DM, I feel your pain. My kids spilt SPRITE on my last laptop and from that point on I kep skipping my period...thank God more Macs did not come from that skippped period. LOL

Anonymous said...
March 31, 2010 at 8:52 AM

After every sentence I read of your post I shouted to myself "don't have kids"... I like my laptop juice free ;0)

But it sure is funny when it's happening to someone else.

Kim said...
March 31, 2010 at 11:23 AM

Oh my God that looks sooo good.

All witty comments just flew out the window 'cause I am so hungry right now.

Anonymous said...
March 31, 2010 at 9:43 PM

We often serve Eat It or Starve as well!! But I think your dinner looks YUM! You should come and cook it for me. =)