I was at a board meeting last night. One of Monty's teachers also happens to sit on the same board.
Teacher: Monty is such a great kid. He's like a big teddy bear. People expect him to be rough and gruff because of his size but he's probably the most well mannered, kindest kid in the class.
Me: Why thank you! That's nice of you to say so.
What I meant to say: Did he pay you to say that? He paid you didn't he?
Board President: These expenses are covered by our funding agency so it's not an issue.
Me: Excuse me, can we double check whether those expenses are actually covered? I don't think they are but I could be wrong.
What I mean to say: I spent six months working on the books for this damn organization and I know for a goddamn certainty those expenses are NOT covered. You're a fucking idiot that knows nothing and how you got to be president of this board is just a fucking mystery I'll never figure out. I also can't figure out how the rest of this board doesn't see what a fucking idiot you are. Then again maybe they do and perhaps they'll all go post on their blogs about what a fucktard you are just the way I plan to.
And in case you didn't realize what a heartless bitch I really am, I received this little gem in my work email this morning. The subject line of the email read, "T - I read this and immediately thought of you."
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. She hung up but decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And *he* will now be your career!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought."
I'm not sure if the sender was likening me to the shopper or the doctor....both women obviously have their priorities straight.
Inquiring minds want to know so I just went downstairs and asked the lady who sent me the email: "So which woman am I?"
Her response: " Oh sweetie, you could play either heartless bitch effortlessly".
Note to self - enroll in empathy self help class.
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