Screw You and Your ADD

When Monty was in grade 3 or 4, I can't remember which (I have dementia and have lived a very full life and can't be expected to remember every damn thing), a teacher tried to tell me he had all the classic symptoms of ADD. I bitch slapped her and told her if she ever called my son an add again I'd have her fired. Yeah, I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. I was a young, a first time mom who knew shit about shit.

So like all good mothers, I turned to Dr. Google, who at the time was really just an infant model of the giant he would later become. The classic symptoms of ADD, inability to concentrate, fidgeting,  difficulty finishing homework etc etc, were classic Monty. But the other symptoms, often in trouble, speaking out of turn, trouble sitting for extended periods of time, were so off kilter with Monty's personality that I had difficulty swallowing this teacher's armchair diagnosis. At this point I had been through three grades of parent teacher interviews. Without exception, each interview had the teachers praising Monty's social behavior, his kindness toward others and the fact that he used please and thank you on a regular basis (apparently quite an abnormality for kids of his age at that time). His academic progress was in the toilet but socially this child excelled.

At the teacher's recommendation I took Monty to our family doctor. I explained to the doctor that his teacher was smoking crack and I didn't want the crack whore cutting me so I was doing this to placate her. Doc laughed at me and decided to send Monty for a hearing test. Hearing test came back perfect. To make a long story short Monty was finally "assessed" and this assessment indicated with a resounding NO YOU FUCKING idiot, this child does not have ADD.

Monty has been in school for 12 years and he no more has ADD than I do. Or so I thought, until this morning. My boss was showing me a pamphlet he had picked up at the drug store, which has six questions that will assess whether or not a person has Adult ADD. Boss had picked it up as a joke. We work with a guy that is classic ADD. Working with this guy is like working with the tasmanian devil. We'll frequently ask him if he's forgotten to take his ritalin (no, the guy does not take ritalin...he's at least 60 years old and spent a large majority of his career as a high school principal). Anydrugs.....I was looking at this pamphlet this morning, reading the questions, when I realized....holy hell....I can answer a resounding yes to all of these.

Fuck.

Then I went back to Dr. Google....who has grown infinitely since 2000 and I found this.

Results of your Attention Deficit Disorder Quiz

You scored a total of 73

It is highly likely that you are presently suffering from adult attention deficit disorder, according to your responses on this self-report questionnaire. You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional immediately.

I need to seek further diagnosis according to Dr. Google. Now, I'm twenty sixteen years old (which sounds so much better than 36, right?) and if I do indeed have ADD, I've managed to function pretty damn well as an adult. I have a successful career, I manage to get shit done, albeit some days I just want to bitch slap everyone that crosses my path and drive a shiv into my jugular because I'm not what one would describe as a patient person, and idiots send me around the fucking bend. I've never been fired from a job (unless you count that one time when I was 16 and worked housekeeping at a hotel and was fired because the manager didn't like the fact that I reeked of alcohol EVERY Saturday morning when I showed up for work. It's not like I was still drunk from the night before...much). I haven't been kicked out of University classes recently, I manage an overall 89 average while working full-time, taking care of three kids, managing a home blah blah blah blah.

But I have to wonder...... if I do have ADD and received treatment for it........holy flying fuck I'd be SUPER.WOMAN. I could literally leap tall buildings in a single bound. I could find the cure for Cancer and eradicate starvation in third world countries. Mother Theresa would have nothing on me, the acts of human kindness I could perform if treated for my ADD, would blow your MIND bitches. I could be what society totally needs, a hero with great fucking shoes. I'm so doing a huge disservice to myself and the ENTIRE world by not seeking treatment, right?

In actuality, it would be more like this.

Does this mask make me look fat?

So would you like to find out if you have Adult ADD? I knew you would so here's the link. http://psychcentral.com/addquiz.htm

We can so start a support group, right?

Disclaimer: Neither of the pics above are actual photos of Dual Mom.