I'm Amazed I'm Still Alive...Really.

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Disclaimer: Dear readers, as you peruse through this post, please keep in mind that the Dual Mom you all know through this blog is not the same girl as depicted in this story. As a matter of fact, the woman I am today could not be more different from the teenage me. Thank the powers that be....

My poor mother. She had such great expectations when she found herself knocked up with her third child. I was supposed to be a boy.  I thank my lucky stars ultrasounds didn't exist back then (you know..back when dinosaurs roamed the earth) otherwise I'm sure she would have just flushed the embryo that would be me down the toilet. I was the third daughter. According to my mother I came out screaming the house down and was, in her words -  "this pink bundle covered in white down just like a little pig". Pig huh...some things never change obviously.

Anyfatpig....she used to tell me that when the nurse put me in her arms... my arms were flailing and I had my face scrunched up like I had just sucked on something sour (huh a look I still have to this day). Apparently when I opened my eyes my mother almost dropped me, for I had blue eyes. Both my siblings had been born with brown...almost black eyes, like my mother. My eyes were blue,clear, ice blue, just like my father's. My mother would often tell me when I was a teenager, and doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing, "I knew you would be a problem child the minute I saw those blue eyes". Yeah well, love you too Mum!

Problem child, me? Well I guess that would depend upon what your definition of problem is. If problem means getting picked up by the police when you're thirteen years old for being drunk and disorderly in a public place, well than yeah...I guess I could have been labelled as such. I swear my friends made me consume the half quart of Kelly's Wine I drank that night. They than proceeded to leave me passing out, in front of the youth centre we had been hanging out at. The person who owned the lawn which I was napping on called the cops. The cops apparently frown on young teenage girls sleeping on lawns. Who knew?

I think they probably also frown on teenage girls puking in the back of the squad car on the way to the police station...but I can't be 100% sure on that one. On the puke oh yeah...I did. Several times. I'm just not sure if they frowned on it. Because really, it's all just a blur. I remember the puking. I remember the cops discussing who was going to stay with me in the car while the other cop went in to call my mother. I don't remember giving them my number. Now that I think about it, I have no idea how they knew who to call. I was 13, it's not like I had a driver's license on me, or had ever been arrested before. Huh, I'll have to ask my sister. The cops were really nice, I remember that.

Mother's also frown on being called at 10:00 at night to come and pick up their teenage daughters at the police station. This I know for 100% certainty. My mother did not drive. So not only did she have to schlepp her ass down to the police station to pick up her 13 year old daughter, she had to phone one of her girlfriends to pick her up, so she could pick me up. My poor mother. Mother's also frown on being told, by said teenage girl, that she's going to hang out at a friend's house, when said problem child is actually getting drunk with her no good friends. I do remember my mother's fury. Holy fuck she was mad. I have never in all my life seen my mother that angry. She couldn't even look at me (or perhaps it was the puke all over my clothes that caused her disdain) when she came to pick me up. She took me home and almost threw me in my bedroom. Warned me that if I puked in the bed I was cleaning it up my damn self and that come the next morning, I would be a very very sorry girl indeed. My poor mother.

I wish I could go back in time. I would give myself an ass whooping that I would not soon forget. I was horrible. That part of your brain that says, "Perhaps this isn't such a great idea" did not exist when I was a teenager. I had no fear, no sense of decorum, no inhabition. I was game for anything. Stay out all night when you're 15 years old with your 21 year old boyfriend, who by the way, thought you were 18...check. Lie to your mother on a daily ...christ hourly...basis. Check. Fist fight with your younger brother until one of you bleeds. Check. Throw your older sister into the dresser because she wore your favorite top and ruined it. Check. Throw a party when your mother is working the night shift, get high on acid and decide to take the cat for a walk..in your nightgown..at midnight. Banner idea. Check. Fall down a flight of basement stairs (drunk), break your ankle, lie to the ER doc about how much alcohol you'd consumed, and THEN  phone your Mum the next morning to come to the hospital to sign papers so that you could have surgery on  your ankle...because it was broken in three places and required two plates and a shitload of screws to put it back together again. Mum thought my 17 year old juvenile deliquent ass was babysitting for the weekend. Check!

I swear, I did not grow up in a trailer park. My mother had all her teeth. We did not have multiple disassembled cars in our front yard. 

I get physically ill when I think that my daughter might be anything like I was. Physically ill. The big difference though between me and my mother. My mother kept giving me "chances". For some reason I was able to convince her EACH and EVERY time that it would be the last time I'd get in trouble. I think she was just so fucking tired of dealing with me that she didn't have the energy to fight with me. Also, keep in mind I grew up in the 80's. Parents were not the parents of today. I hitchiked to school, with my mother's blessing. Parents did not call their child 12 times an evening on their cell phones. We would head out the door, promising to be home by curfew, knowing full well half the time there was no chance in hell curfew would be made, and that's where our parents control would end. Oh she would ground me, she would kick my arse (literally), she would lock me in my room, she would take my allowance away. None of it had any type of lasting affect. With me as a mother, it would happen once, and only once and than I'd just break her legs so she couldn't walk. Kidding...kind of.

Do I regret doing this stuff? Honestly? I do and I don't. I regret putting my mother through that. I have no doubt the stress and worry of dealing with me took years off her life. She never gave up on me. She would have been totally within her right to throw my ass out of the house, but she didn't. She let me push, and push and push at the boundries, until the boundries were left in a cloud of dust. She loved me through it all.

But holy shit I had fun. The beach parties, the friends, the laughs. We were always laughing (and no it wasn't the acid...that only happened once). I have memories of camping trips with friends, sitting around the fire telling stories and laughing until we hurt. I fell in and out of love on a regular basis. It was during one of these parties that I met my best friend. Twenty two years later and we still have each other's back.  No one ever got hurt , ok yeah, the whole plate and pins in the ankle thing ...yeah ok you got me there. But it really did make me a stronger person. All of it.

Then on my 18th birthday I told my mother, over the phone (because I was so damned scared) that I was pregnant. That's a story for another day.

30 comments:

Danielle said...
January 28, 2010 at 10:47 PM

OMG, we could have been twins. And now, I pray daily that my daughter won't do 1/3 the things that I did. Pay backs are a bitch. And I am very scared! Gotta love our moms though.

vinomom said...
January 28, 2010 at 11:04 PM

I didn't get in THAT much trouble, (or maybe I did, I just didn't get caught) but I had a similar drunken experience at 15. And my mom was the same way - she just kept giving me chances. By the time I was 13 she had three kids under 5, and I was just too damn much to deal with.

And Karma is so kicking my ass too. I have no doubt my kid is going to put me through the same hell I put my mom through.

Isn't it a wonder we turned out to be (semi) responsible adults?

advocatemom said...
January 28, 2010 at 11:14 PM

I have heard my mother say ten thousand times, "I hope I live long enough to see you with a teenage daughter!" God help me!

T!nK said...
January 28, 2010 at 11:20 PM

hee.

heeheehee. nuff sed.

Alex said...
January 28, 2010 at 11:32 PM

My mother was a pushover and I could get her to do anything and I always regret that she was like that. Lucky for me, whenever my daughter tries the same thing with me, I roll my eyes and tell her not to mess with the master.

Homesick Cajun said...
January 28, 2010 at 11:35 PM

Lmao...I'm so glad I apologized to my Mom before she passed away! I put her through hell! Also...thank God I have a son!!!

GunDiva said...
January 29, 2010 at 12:07 AM

THANK YOU!!! I can't tell you how much I needed this post. My thirteen year old son is on a path of destruction and it's nice to know that some people survived to be responsible adults. I can sympathize with your mother, 'cause I just don't know what the hell to do with that child. He's decided that my rules (1. Go to school, and 2. stop being such a lying bastard) were too much to follow and moved in with his alcoholic aunt. I officially love you Dual Mom.

Mad Woman said...
January 29, 2010 at 12:17 AM

I LOVED this story! My mother is dying to see my kids screw up so that she can get the payback she so badly wants.

Kat said...
January 29, 2010 at 11:11 AM

If you were mine, you WOULD have gotten the ass whoopin' you deserved LOL! Ask my sons! Teehee! My kinda kid you were...

Laura said...
January 29, 2010 at 1:28 PM

Um, so you're telling me to just breathe that everything will actually turn out okay with my step daughter & she will turn out to be a contributing member of society and a self respecting woman. Right? Um I hope so because I keep thinking once she turns 18 she's not going to college, moving in with her "smoking" friends and working at Hooters the rest of her life...

wines constantly said...
January 29, 2010 at 2:40 PM

This is hysterical. And terrifying. And reminds me that the cute baby I am picturing as the end result of this whole let's-start-a-family thing is going to grow up to make me rip my hair out...yikes.

Yankee Girl said...
January 29, 2010 at 4:39 PM

Wow. Sounds like you really enjoyed your childhood!

And your mother should be nominated for sainthood.

Noelle said...
January 29, 2010 at 5:38 PM

yep. i knew i loved ya. i didn't hit my crazy years until i was 17, but when i hit 'em, i hit 'em hard.

rxBambi said...
January 29, 2010 at 6:31 PM

came over from stir fry awesomeness and think I'll be here to stay. I think we may have been separated at birth. I had a few rough years in jr high... but eventually it all worked out. I don't have any idea how my mother put up with me tho. Speaking of, I should probably call her and tell her how sorry I am that I was such a shit!

Heather said...
January 29, 2010 at 8:03 PM

Great story, I'll have to post my dirty laundry at some point too. I did not start so young though, but it did take me longer to turn into a "responsible" adult. Thanks for the post it made me laugh (and cry) at the same time.

Corrie Howe said...
January 29, 2010 at 9:14 PM

Well, let's see. My brother's sons are just like him and my son, so far, is just like me. So if my family is an indication, I think you're in trouble.

Secretia said...
January 30, 2010 at 7:18 AM

I think that all mothers have rehearsed for the day they get a phone call from their daughters saying they are pregnant.

Secretia

gayle said...
January 30, 2010 at 11:05 AM

Exciting times!!! Your poor mom!! I feel her pain b/c I guess I must be around her age...you know before ultra sounds and dinosaurs still roamed the earth!! Ha Ha..You'll get yours!! No really I hope you don't!! Can't wait for your next story!!!!.......preg. at 18 is not so bad as it could have been....

The Blue Zoo said...
January 30, 2010 at 1:13 PM

Ha! We must have been twins separated at birth!

Sometimes I thank God I dont have a daughter. But then I think about the 4 boys I have...... I dont know which is gonna be worse!

Kaylen said...
January 30, 2010 at 4:33 PM

I thank the lucky stars above for the magic that has happened in not giving me a child that is repeating the shitty things that I did when I was a child. I totally don't deserve such a great kid - one who drives me crazy by dropping his backpack in the walkpath to our kitchen, or can't seem to notice that he's made a total mess in a room, or who leaves his clothes in a great big pile on his dresser instead of opening the drawer and dropping them in.....
But when I was his age, I had a navy bf 6 yrs older than me, was out drinking every weekend, lying to my mom about where I was, doing too many drugs, skipping school, bringing alcohol to school in a sports bottle and bragging about it to way too many people, etc....

I am not deserving of such a great kid!!

Aunt Juicebox said...
January 30, 2010 at 5:19 PM

Yeah, all the shit I did and was afraid my parents would find out (and never did) the thing I was most scared of was telling them I was pregnant, and I was 19. I told my mom early on, but I moved out of the house rather than tell my father about it. He wasn't surprised when he did find out, I think because he knew something was up, and actually my daughter is his favorite of all his grandkids. But back then I was scared shitless.

June said...
January 30, 2010 at 6:04 PM

My mother has been told 100 if not a 1000 times to shut her yap when it comes to sharing stories with my kids about my teen years.
I will say, I was never arrested but it's amazing I'm still alive.

Woman, we share similar stories which I can't share because my kids read my blog!

Eternally Distracted said...
January 31, 2010 at 4:17 AM

For a minute or two there I thought I was reading my life!... I don't regret a single day, it all helped mould me into the fabulous person I am today... without kids!! (can't take the risk - just in case, ya know?!!)

theothermommy said...
January 31, 2010 at 3:06 PM

I love the teenage you! And I think growing up as a bad-girl, it makes you a better mom, you know what to look out for!

theothermommy said...
January 31, 2010 at 3:06 PM

I love the teenage you! And I think growing up as a bad-girl, it makes you a better mom, you know what to look out for!

Terry said...
February 1, 2010 at 9:56 PM

You are cracking me up! Here I am trying to catch up on EVERYONEs blogs yet I can't get off yours!! lmao!!
Thank you for your humor!!!

adrienzgirl said...
February 3, 2010 at 10:07 AM

Been there, done that.

Getting mine returned to me.

My Momma said I was gonna get mine one day. Damn smart woman!

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