Guess what? Two weeks from today is New Year's Day. You know what that means, don't you? Well, beside the fact that we'll all be hanging over the toilet for the day wishing for the sweet release of death and cursing that one final drink we ABSOLUTELY had to have. That's right folks, it means you have exactly two weeks left to stuff your face for 18 hours a day as you sit on the couch perfecting your ass groove. In two weeks time, it's all over but the crying. In two weeks, we kick off our "Lose It Bitch" challenge and I am expecting each and every one of you to have your shit together by January 2nd. Yes, I'm looking at YOU.
The fantalicious Brandee over at the Think Tank even has a button ready for us! I know, the excitement, right? I'm sure she'll be posting it as soon as she's done waxing poetic about Ed's balls.
To honor the fact that Lose It Bitch is fast approaching, I thought I would share with you some timely tips to assist you in your efforts to make the most of the next two weeks. I'm all about helping out the masses.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit and should be bitch slapped promptly. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 gazzillion calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. Don't like eggnog you say, add rum. Rum will make it better.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Put it on the turkey, on the dressing..... hell bathe in it. Gravy is good.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. The same goes for real butter.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and the IV bag full of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. This is very important. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. Fruitcake is fucking retarded.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by (in effect for the next two weeks only):
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Come January 2nd the motto will be:
"My body is a temple and I will treat it as such. Muffin tops are meant for muffins, not the human body."
Finally, this is my Christmas present to all of you. Mwahhhh!
He's so fucking beautiful.....
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