You Thought I Forgot, Didn't You?

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Guess what? Two weeks from today is New Year's Day. You know what that means, don't you? Well, beside the fact that we'll all be hanging over the toilet for the day wishing for the sweet release of death and cursing that one final drink we ABSOLUTELY had to have. That's right folks, it means you have exactly two weeks left to stuff your face for 18 hours a day as you sit on the couch perfecting your ass groove. In two weeks time, it's all over but the crying. In two weeks, we kick off our "Lose It Bitch" challenge and I am expecting each and every one of you to have your shit together by January 2nd. Yes, I'm looking at YOU.

The fantalicious Brandee over at the Think Tank even has a button ready for us! I know, the excitement, right?  I'm sure she'll be posting it as soon as she's done waxing poetic about Ed's balls.

To honor the fact that Lose It Bitch is fast approaching, I thought I would share with you some timely tips to assist you in your efforts to make the most of the next two weeks. I'm all about helping out the masses.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit and should be bitch slapped promptly. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 gazzillion calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. Don't like eggnog you say, add rum. Rum will make it better.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Put it on the turkey, on the dressing..... hell bathe in it. Gravy is good.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. The same goes for real butter.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and the IV bag full of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. This is very important. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. Fruitcake is fucking retarded.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by (in effect for the next two weeks only):

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Come January 2nd the motto will be:

"My body is a temple and I will treat it as such. Muffin tops are meant for muffins, not the human body."

Finally, this is my Christmas present to all of you. Mwahhhh!

He's so fucking beautiful.....


Daffy said...
December 18, 2009 at 9:38 AM

I do believe I'll print that picture....blow it size and affix to the ceiling above my bed. It will be the first thing I see when I open my eyes in the morning. I'm seriously tired of looking at the dog's puckered asshole.

I'm totally going back to add a link to this post on mine today. This is just too good to not have everyone read it! Thanks for so brilliantly stating it like it is.

Laura said...
December 18, 2009 at 10:40 AM

This is my motto too. I gave up the whole organic eating/dieting/fitness thing the week of Thanksgiving with no intentions of jumping back in again until the first week of January.

Becca said...
December 18, 2009 at 11:09 AM

My husband looks just like George Clooney! Don't I wish!

MaeRae said...
December 18, 2009 at 12:30 PM

I have three boys that I am raising. It causes my grocery bill to double on a weekly basis. I tell my children #5 every time we leave the house. Someone elses food that I am not paying for is there to be eaten...don't have that snack before we go!

Just Another Momma said...
December 18, 2009 at 1:00 PM

Oh how I love George . . . "as soon as she's done waxing poetic about Ed's balls. " LMAO!!

Noelle said...
December 18, 2009 at 1:25 PM

"lose it bitches"...i love it!

and i wish i had something really clever to say about your post, but i honestly loved it so much i'm just going to grab a bag of doritos and a pepsi, sit back, and read it again. i loved it! you are one hella funny beeotch!

Aunt Juicebox said...
December 18, 2009 at 2:32 PM

I'm one of the ugly women of the world, so Clooney can suck it. lol

Meagan@Megs7827 said...
December 18, 2009 at 5:58 PM

I have been full for two days! People have been bringing food into our office non stop! I can't wait to be on vacation and continue to eat and eat and eat! Thanks for the compliment on my hair! The color looks really red in that picture. Must be the lights in our bathroom. I think you have inspired me to do a post with my hair styles and colors throught the years like the always do with Katie Couric. I think it is close to my natural color. That is what the hair dresser and I have been working towards. About every four months or so she adds some highlights since the tips are still pretty bleached.

Anonymous said...
December 18, 2009 at 8:03 PM

and while you're at it, make sure you circle that buffet table, not on foot and potentially burning calories, but in one of those motorized carts you find at the grocery store or Target. If you're going to get your 'fat and happy' on, do it right.

gayle said...
December 18, 2009 at 9:15 PM

Hopefully if we all do as you have suggested:) we will be ready come January ..when?!

Mad Woman said...
December 19, 2009 at 1:14 AM

I can't wait to take part in the challenge! "Lose it Bitch" has become my new motto!

adrienzgirl said...
December 19, 2009 at 3:12 PM

It's sooooooo on like Donkey Kong! I will be posting the button sometime this week!! Woot! luvah....toast all those other bitches, just make sure you come home to Momma! Mwah!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...
December 19, 2009 at 3:37 PM

I kept meaning to stop by here because I see you all over the blogs I read.

As I guessed your blog is a great read....And now I must follow...

The Crazy Baby Mama said...
December 19, 2009 at 11:41 PM

this post makes me think of auntie mame's famous quote "life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death."

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...
December 20, 2009 at 1:48 PM

I think this officially makes me a weirdo but I have already given you an award. And to think I have only known you for one day.

Queen of Feisty said...
December 20, 2009 at 1:59 PM

Thanks for the picture. I just came in my computer chair. One more thing to clean today.

Count me in for the Lose it Bitch, I can't wait. 01-02-2010 is the big day.

And I about fell of my chair laughing at Daffy's puckered asshole comment. Now off to stuff my face and enjoy this fat suit for the next two weeks!

Queen of Feisty

Kaylen said...
December 20, 2009 at 6:26 PM

This is great advise!
I love the idea of Lose It Bitch!

I am all about the cookies!!! Desserts and the holidays go together! If you don't overdose on desserts, the terrorists win.

I can't believe you edited me out of the card George and I sent out!!

Anonymous said...
December 20, 2009 at 7:18 PM

hey. I actually JUST started following your blog... TODAY. and I am already giving you an award! haha.

kys said...
December 20, 2009 at 10:39 PM

Don't forget the Reese's Christmas trees. I bought 4 packages of them today and I'm rationing them out (and hiding them).

Danielle said...
December 21, 2009 at 1:06 PM

I started to go to the gym last week, but only because I have been eating everything in sight.

Lola said...
December 21, 2009 at 2:58 PM

Yep, Georgie boy just keeps getting better with age, at least so far anyway. I used to think he was ugly, couldn't stand him when he was on ER, back when he was much younger and everyone was drooling over him.

Then, I saw an interview at his incredible house in Italy, where he talked of cooking and eating great meals and drinking great wine. He's been gorgeous ever since!!!

GunDiva said...
December 21, 2009 at 3:56 PM

See...I followed a similar set of rules last year and still haven't gotten the weight off. Dare I follow them again this year? Scary.

I'm loving the Lose It Bitch challege - where do I sign up? Or can I sign up?

Anonymous said...
December 23, 2009 at 5:31 AM

That was my subsoncious talking! I also heard it tell me that free food has no calories!