Just Shoot Me Now

Brought to you exclusively by Dual Mom on
I write this post taking full responsibility for the shit storm I have managed to get into. That being said it is my blog and I'll cry if I wanna. I have written blase posts regailing you with stories about my lack of progress on the Christmas front. Yeah well Dual Mom, you're fucked now because the blinders have come off. As I sit here in my living room, sans tree, sans presents, sans decoration, sans everything really, I have come to the ugly realization that the Christmas fairies aren't coming to do all these things, the tangle of lights on the patio aren't going to hang themselves, oh and yeah, my kids really do give a shit that THERE IS NO FUCKING TREE IN THE HOUSE. Who knew?

I'm hyperventilating as I write this post. I have a paper bag on my right and a bucket to throw up in on my left.

I just got home. FOURTEEN hours after leaving the house for work this morning. Exam written, board meeting attended, kids were even fed (it's debateable whether the food they consumed was actually nutritional, it was food, shutthefuckup). Tomorrow is Christmas concert night, which will mean a 16 hour day from the time I leave for work in the morning until I get home for the night.

So as I sit here drinking wine straight from the bottle I thought it would take my mind off of the state of my own life to read the fucked up state of all you loony tunes in bloggity blog world. Yeah well, Amanda over at MODG pulled off a Martha Stewert-esque party, complete with a No Vomiting table of finger foods and rocking tights. The Christmas tree looks as though it belongs on the cover of Style at Home. She had levels to her food tables for fuck sakes. I can't see my table because there's a week's worth of laundry on it waiting to be folded. You're supposed to put food on your table? Laura at Heels, Hemlines waxed poetic about how productive her Monday morning has been; new clients, read through her entire blog reader, leaped tall buildings in a single bound. Yeah well I remembered to brush my teeth before leaving for work. Take THAT!

So I need to make a list. There is so much to do I'm not sure if doing this will drive me completely over the edge thereby forcing my kids to call in reinforcements in the form of the men in white jackets and a one way ticket to crazyville. But here goes nothing.

So tomorrow I need to work all day, but somehow get out and pick out a fucking tree. Tree does not need to be perfectly shaped. Tree does not need to be the precise shade of green. At this point needles wouldn't even be a deal breaker. Tree needs to have a trunk, that's it. Drag tree (by myself) into the house and get it into the stand. Take daughter to concert. Feed kids. Oh need to get groceries in order to be able to feed kids. Get groceries before getting tree because tree won't fit in trunk with groceries in it. So take groceries home before getting tree. Don't forget Christmas concert.

Shopping. Recycled plastic bags are not appropriate gifts for children. If I don't get out shopping that's all I have to wrap and put under the tree. That or tampons. Don't pretend you didn't know I was mother of the year. Oh yeah, buy wrapping paper. Make fudge for staff reception, peanut butter balls, raspberry squares, fudge for gifts, scotch cookies, date squares. Check baking list because you're forgetting something.

Decorate tree? No I need to do that tomorrow, I can't wait until Thursday to decorate tree. Oh yeah, need to get boxes of decorations out of the shed. This will involve much cursing and probably physically harming myself when I'm accidentally crushed under the bbq. I'm sure the kids will come looking for me eventually.....when they get hungry. Wrap presents.

Oh yes, let's not forget that I agreed to host a party on December 23rd. Who does that? Dual Mom, that's who. The queen of delusion who thinks that fucking Christmas FAIRIES exist.

Seriously, where the hell did December go? There must be someone I can blame for this shit storm beside myself?!?! Anyone?

So tell me, what do you have left to do? Please keep in mind if you say nothing, I'm liable to drive a rusty screwdriver into my jugular, just for shits and giggles. If you point out that just LAST week I was posting about how I was going to frolick in a field of sunflowers, how the whole world was my oyster and how I vowed to be relaxed as a drug whore on bennies, I will bitch slap you...just sayin.

Send more wine.


Aunt Juicebox said...
December 14, 2009 at 10:50 PM

Well not to rub your nose in it or anything, but I'm done with Xmas crap for this year. Done with shopping, did all my "wrapping", and the tree has been up since Thanksgiving. But it's only 3 ft tall and has one string of lights, and maybe 20 ornaments on it. And I said fuck the xmas candy. I might make my dad fudge if I feel up to it. Otherwise, I'm going to spend the next ten days watching xmas movies, cracking open a lot of beers, and waiting to pass out the gifts I bought. Next year's plan is to have Xmas done by Halloween.

And no, it's not cuz I'm superwoman. It's cuz I do as little as possible. I.E. 3 ft fake tree and a stocking are our only decorations. I don't buy wrapping paper, I buy gift bags. If you don't tell me what you want, you get something edible or a gift bag. Minimize, woman!

I'd think about buying a fake, prelit tree if I were you. So easy, and you can say it's better for the environment or something.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...
December 14, 2009 at 11:24 PM

Yes...yes...yes!!! I still have no tree, about a thousandth of the gifts I need to buy, nothing wrapped and work is breathing down my neck. What happened? When I have the time, I don't have the energy and when I have the desire and energy, I'm working.

I feel for you. I really do. Get a tree as quickly as you can..I know that usually inspires me to finish everything else. It is amazing what you can get done when terror drives you~! I like Aunt Juicebox's idea. I think next year I will be done by Halloween.

Laura said...
December 14, 2009 at 11:33 PM

Okay I may have kicked Monday's ass on my post today, but December in it's self is kicking mine.

I've yet to do 85% of my Christmas shopping, I'm COMPLETELY stressed out over the money factor this year (as in I have no extra $$) literally it will be which bill I decide to be late on in December so I can afford to buy presents.

I have NOT made one damn Christmas cookie & the natives are getting restless asking non stop what day family cookie making day will be.

I'm still trying to figure what I'm fixing for Christmas dinner and at this point I'm considering leftovers.

I have no idea where December went to other than it is kicking my ass and running too far ahead of me for me to be able to fight back.

Okay - now for the both of us to get ourselves organized. Seriously we are strong independent women, right?!? We both can do this!

Raoulysgirl said...
December 14, 2009 at 11:44 PM

Take a deep breath, another swig of wine, and possibly a Xanax or something. It will be ok.

I have faith in your abilities!

Anonymous said...
December 14, 2009 at 11:53 PM

I'm all done, but I'm doing as little as humanly possible this year. Gift cards. One batch of cookies. No outdoor decorations. Think simple. You can do it :)

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...
December 15, 2009 at 12:37 AM

I've got the perfect solution...convert to Judaism...Hanukkah is almost over.

Daffy said...
December 15, 2009 at 10:16 AM

Buy a fake tree that is prelit - set the kids to hanging the ornaments.

Buy 10 packages of Oreo Cookies (Wally world runs a $2.00 special every other week) and a cute Santa tray to arrange them. Fuck the homemade fudge.




Valium salt-like next to the bathtub....more wine...

Did I forget anything?

OH! Set the tangle of lights ontop of the broom handle, some well placed duck tape...pound handle into ground(before you stick the lights on or they won't work anymore) and VIOLA...outside decorations. It's a Christmas/New Years lightpole thingiemabob....


Anonymous said...
December 15, 2009 at 10:21 AM

Wow, I enjoyed reading your blog today, it's my first visit, I'll be a follower now!


Anonymous said...
December 15, 2009 at 12:30 PM

Oh Dual Mom. I'm sending wine. Actually I can't, because you can't ship alcohol in Maryland. Don't ask me how I know this.

Get a FAKE PRELIT TREE NOW! They are so much easier and you don't have to keep them alive.

Also, you might want to consider CASH baskets for the kids. They are like gift baskets but filled with cash. Easy Peasy.(stole that from my "The Office Daily Calendar")

MaggieWags said...
December 15, 2009 at 2:53 PM

Your posts are so funny! I really do have to remember to come back here more often for a couple of chuckles. Lord knows I need them!! Thanks for your note on my blog --- trust me, I just have to try to keep it positive because so often, it's not!!

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...
December 15, 2009 at 3:40 PM

Besides B this is the first time i THINK I drove someone to drink


I don't have a life. I hate my job, I sit and blog all day and I have no kids. I have nothing better to do with my time. I am not a wonderful person. I wish I had stuff so I could be like I'M SOOOOO BUSY. But I don't, I'm a lame o.

gaylin said...
December 15, 2009 at 4:00 PM

yes, I am all ready for Christmas. How did I do this you ask.
I am 50, my whole family is adults and they get nothing. Just found out I can't eat sugar for the next 2 months so screw making cookies or treats that I can't eat.
I buy presents for 3 daughters of friends and got them while on vacation at Disney World.
Decorated my apartment the last weekend of November after a totally dull 50th birthday and needed to cheer myself up. NO christmas tree at all, just decorations.
I do hope you get a chance to breathe, get stuff done and fuck it if you don't. Your kids will love you anyways - whether they say it or not.

gayle said...
December 15, 2009 at 7:40 PM

Just go buy a small prelite tree...they might even have them on sale. Let the kids decorate it. Forget everything else..Don't go grocery shopping on the night of the Christmas concert...get them fast food...cereal or a sandwich..it won't hurt them. Get your butt off the computer and get your shopping done so you can relax.
I'm not done either so what am I sayin!

blueviolet said...
December 15, 2009 at 9:11 PM

By this weekend, you'll probably feel on top of your game again. I did order Christmas presents finally but I have no stocking stuffers. That I need to do. Other than that, I really don't care. The decorations that are still not up are still not going up! (I do have some up.) Baking....maybe a couple of batches this year instead of last year's 20 different kinds. Parties, none, thank goodness!

MaeRae said...
December 15, 2009 at 9:24 PM

Okay, I have caught my breath and checked to see if I was reading my life or if it were yours. It was yours. Amanda blew my socks off too! Puke station...I loved it and will use it in the future but seriously...Layers?-have a swig for me!

Lola said...
December 15, 2009 at 10:22 PM

Well, all I've got done is the decorating, and I think I'm just throwing the towel in on the cards I bought and on shopping. At this point, after three birthdays this month, one more this Sat, I'm fucking done.

All I'd be doing is walking around spending money on crap, because no one around here needs a damn thing. I give up. We're not exchanging with anyone anyway, just buying for our own kids, and I'm not wasting my time getting the husband anything either.

So, with that rotten attitude, I'd say I'm DONE!!!

Crystal said...
December 17, 2009 at 12:34 AM

You sound like me, in more ways than one. lol. :)

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...
December 19, 2009 at 3:52 PM

As I read more and more of your blog entries, I realize that I am slowly falling in love with you. No joke.

Where has your blog been all my life?