I'm hyperventilating as I write this post. I have a paper bag on my right and a bucket to throw up in on my left.
I just got home. FOURTEEN hours after leaving the house for work this morning. Exam written, board meeting attended, kids were even fed (it's debateable whether the food they consumed was actually nutritional, it was food, shutthefuckup). Tomorrow is Christmas concert night, which will mean a 16 hour day from the time I leave for work in the morning until I get home for the night.
So I need to make a list. There is so much to do I'm not sure if doing this will drive me completely over the edge thereby forcing my kids to call in reinforcements in the form of the men in white jackets and a one way ticket to crazyville. But here goes nothing.
So tomorrow I need to work all day, but somehow get out and pick out a fucking tree. Tree does not need to be perfectly shaped. Tree does not need to be the precise shade of green. At this point needles wouldn't even be a deal breaker. Tree needs to have a trunk, that's it. Drag tree (by myself) into the house and get it into the stand. Take daughter to concert. Feed kids. Oh need to get groceries in order to be able to feed kids. Get groceries before getting tree because tree won't fit in trunk with groceries in it. So take groceries home before getting tree. Don't forget Christmas concert.
Shopping. Recycled plastic bags are not appropriate gifts for children. If I don't get out shopping that's all I have to wrap and put under the tree. That or tampons. Don't pretend you didn't know I was mother of the year. Oh yeah, buy wrapping paper. Make fudge for staff reception, peanut butter balls, raspberry squares, fudge for gifts, scotch cookies, date squares. Check baking list because you're forgetting something.
Decorate tree? No I need to do that tomorrow, I can't wait until Thursday to decorate tree. Oh yeah, need to get boxes of decorations out of the shed. This will involve much cursing and probably physically harming myself when I'm accidentally crushed under the bbq. I'm sure the kids will come looking for me eventually.....when they get hungry. Wrap presents.
Oh yes, let's not forget that I agreed to host a party on December 23rd. Who does that? Dual Mom, that's who. The queen of delusion who thinks that fucking Christmas FAIRIES exist.
Seriously, where the hell did December go? There must be someone I can blame for this shit storm beside myself?!?! Anyone?
So tell me, what do you have left to do? Please keep in mind if you say nothing, I'm liable to drive a rusty screwdriver into my jugular, just for shits and giggles. If you point out that just LAST week I was posting about how I was going to frolick in a field of sunflowers, how the whole world was my oyster and how I vowed to be relaxed as a drug whore on bennies, I will bitch slap you...just sayin.
Send more wine.
Well not to rub your nose in it or anything, but I'm done with Xmas crap for this year. Done with shopping, did all my "wrapping", and the tree has been up since Thanksgiving. But it's only 3 ft tall and has one string of lights, and maybe 20 ornaments on it. And I said fuck the xmas candy. I might make my dad fudge if I feel up to it. Otherwise, I'm going to spend the next ten days watching xmas movies, cracking open a lot of beers, and waiting to pass out the gifts I bought. Next year's plan is to have Xmas done by Halloween.
And no, it's not cuz I'm superwoman. It's cuz I do as little as possible. I.E. 3 ft fake tree and a stocking are our only decorations. I don't buy wrapping paper, I buy gift bags. If you don't tell me what you want, you get something edible or a gift bag. Minimize, woman!
I'd think about buying a fake, prelit tree if I were you. So easy, and you can say it's better for the environment or something.