I swear I have early onset dementia. I know this shit is nothing to laugh at but the thought scares the crap out of me, so I laugh. Isn't that how everyone copes with their fears? Plus the humour to hide the pain thing...it really works, trust me. Who says that it's not healthy to cover up pain rather than dealing with it? Who says that? I'll have you know I function just fine in this manner. Those voices in my head...they're really nothing to be concerned about. Shutup. My sisters and I constantly complain that we have shit for memories. Yes, I can remember how to say go to hell in french, and how to spell completely obscure medical terms, but can't remember my childrens names.
For instance last week, I had to run to the health department admin office. I have been to this office 56,430,964 times. Alot. So I stroll down the hallway with coffee cup in hand and come to the admin office. But wait...it's not the admin office. It's a classroom? What the hell? When did she move her office? Why did no one inform me that this was happening? What the hell is going on? So back to my office I go and I email admin girl.
Hey Admin Girl,
I just ran down to your office to pick up crappity crap and your office is now a xxx classroom?? When did you move and where are you?
Admin Girl's reply,
Dear Dementia sufferer,
I haven't moved, I'm on the second floor, where I've been for the last 7 years. xxx classroom is on the first floor, you were looking for me on the first floor.
I went looking for an office I've been to a million times, on the wrong floor of the building.
One of my
It looks good. Should it be "for some holiday chair" rather than "in some holiday cheer"? I'm not sure, which reads better?
She emails back:
Will there be holiday chairs at the reception? You're losing it, aren't you?
I proofed that email before sending it to her. Duh. My response:
Can't you see the holiday CHAIR, right behind the imaginary table? For god sakes woman get your shit together.
We leave home before the sun is up in the morning, getting all three kids into the car on time is a feat comparable with Brad Pitt's ability to convince us all he was NOT sleeping with lips mcgee while he was married to Jen (just sayin). So we're in the car (or so I thought) and the boys are bitchin about something and I'm bitchin right back at them while running my to-do list through my head, trying to remember if I remembered to shut the coffee pot off and I can't quite remember if I put underwear on when I got dressed... as I threw the car in reverse. Both boys immediately stop bickering and shout "Mom, Nora's not in the car!!!!". Here is poor Nora, standing there with the back door open and this shellshocked look on her face. The car didn't actually move, but she felt it when I put it in reverse. This is not funny I know, it could have been a terrible terrible accident I shudder to think what would have happened if the boys had not simultaneously shouted at me. I'm expecting my mother of the year award any day now. They do give those to mom's who almost run over their kids, right?
When I order my coffee in the morning, I usually order a medium coffee but I have them put it in a large cup. This allows me to run around at work with my coffee and not spill it on myself. This morning I pull up to the drive thru window and ask, "Can I get a large coffee please, and can you put that in a large cup for me?". I was obviously ordering the large because I was traumatized by almost running over my daughter and felt a definite need for an extra caffiene jolt. But the large cup? The poor fucker at the speaker says to me: "You want a large coffee in a large cup, as opposed to what ma'am???" "Never mind, just give me the large coffee please and put it in a bucket if you have to and don't call me ma'am". Don't worry, I tipped him really well for his troubles.
I was thinking I should pay some bills this evening but suspect I'll fuck that up royally at this point in the day. Best leave that to tomorrow when I'm not scaring the shit out of my little girl and traumatizing coffee boys. Please tell me you've done something so incredibly stupid or absentminded that it makes you question your own mental state.