Oxymoron Much?

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Aunt Juicebox posted today about weight, she then asked her readers to comment about their experiences with the battle of the bulge. I typed out a long, self-effacing comment about my experiences, hit post and my comment disappeared. Stupid fuckity blogger.

So as I sit hear eating my fourth first piece of fudge that has barely cooled in the pan before I cut into it I just made, I thought it would be fun to blog about weight. Yeah, the level of retardedness does not escape me. Weight is one of those topics women love to bitch about with a group of close female friends while drinking wine, almost as much as we like to talk about our love/hate of blowjobs with a group of close female friends (usually the same friends in both groups).

I used to be skinny, I think I was two at the time. My mother was obese, 5'1 and over 200 pounds. She also died from a combination of heart disease, blood pressure, and diabetes. Yeah, I have a great family medical history. I lucked out in the height category, I'm 5'6 so I can carry weight better than a shorter counterpart. I was probably 10 pounds overweight when I had my first kid. By the time I had the third, I was 40 pounds overweight. I yo-yo'd up and down until about 4 years ago when a co-worker challenged me to a "weight loss" contest - the loser having to dish up money to the winner. Nothing fires me up like winning. It doesn't matter what it is I win, I just need to win.  So to assist in my endeavour to pound this guy into a bleeding stump of losiness, forcing him to face the fact that I was superior in all things weight loss, I started walking. Let's get something straight here, I fucking hated exercise. At the time, I would have rather chewed my arm off than move out of my own way to exercise. After two weeks of walking, I realized it wasn't really that bad and hey, I actually felt kind of good. The walking led to eating better, because who wants to stuff their face with a bag of chips after walking for an hour.

Then a miracle happened. I started going to a gym. The angels sang from the heavens. At the gym, I started running. At first, it was more plodding quickly while gasping for breath and assuring the gym people that I was not about to drop dead on their treadmill. Then it became a bit more graceful, and lasted longer than 32 seconds. Inch by inch, little by little I became what one would consider a runner. I became a gym freak. I became ... well fit. Not only was the weight falling off my body, I stopped having daily headaches, I was working a full-time and part-time job and had tons of energy. I was going to the gym six days a week at 5:00am (before the kids got out of bed) and I was loving it. I fucking loved it. I was addicted to exercise.

Prior to starting I was wearing a size 14 on a good day. Five months later, I bought a pair of size 5 pants. My screams of joy were heard throughout the entire mall. I'm sure the salesgirl thought I was masturbating in the change room as I shouted "YES, YES" over and over again. I knocked the gym time down a bit and started running outside, going to the gym only 3 times a week to do weight training. I had muscles in my back. My legs could have been used to model panty hose on the cover of Vogue (I shit you not, I had unbelievably fucking sexy legs). I had cheekbones for the first time in my life. I was fitter, sleeker, healthier than I had ever been in my entire life and god I felt good. Happier....I was happier.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with a tumour behind my ear. A six hour surgery saw my head cut open, my ear ripped forward to access behind it, and part of my tympanic menbrane removed (tympanomastoidectomy...it amazes me that I can remember how to spell that but forget how to spell my own name somedays). Me on a morphine drip, the hilarity is still talked about by those who visited me after the surgery. Apparently there was this poor old lady in the bed beside me who had just had her SECOND leg amputated. She was on the phone with her blue-haired, church-going little, old lady friend talking about a Sunday service and how well Father so and so had talked about blahblahhaah. I was in the bed next to her apparently using the word "fuck" and "goddammit" like most people use the word "the".  I remember NONE of it, I swear, it was the morphine.

Digress much?  They had to rebuild part of the mastoid bone with a piece of titanium. I am a metal head...literally. Anyway, the doctor told me to stop running for 8 weeks. The jarring motion was apparently counterintuitive to a piece of titanium meshing into my head. Eight weeks was all it took to lose my love and desire of running. Two years later, though I have not gained it all back, alot of those fucking pounds have found their way home to mommy. My love for the gym is like my love for the Ex....long gone.

So to recap:

If I can go from a size 14 to a size 5 you can too. It won't be easy, anything worth having is never easy.

Exercise is key. If you don't move, neither will the weight. Trust me, I spent 15 years trying to lose weight without exercising, it does not work.

Exercise makes you feel good. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it's probably one of the truest things the medical professional will ever tell you.

When your body is moving, when you're exerting effort and energy exercising, all those shit foods you love so much, lose their appeal. I shit you not.

It is much easier to break a good habit than it is to break a bad one.

I think in 2010 we should hold some sort of blogger biggest loser thing. Who's game? I'll so kick your ass.


Anonymous said...
December 2, 2009 at 10:02 PM

Challenge accepted! Tell me the rules. I am totally in!

adrienzgirl said...
December 2, 2009 at 10:51 PM

Oh you fucking suck. That was a triple dog dare if I ever heard one. Fuck! YOU SUCK! Big Harry Monkey Balls.

DAMN! I am in. And, I hate you.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...
December 3, 2009 at 12:13 AM

Okay, so do we all have to take pictures of ourselves on the scale and *gasp* the number to prove what we started out and where we end up? I wish you could lose by being mortified. You are so right about exercise. Even a little bit of exercise and I lose weight. But here I sit on my fat arse. I'm in though. Ass kicking is good exercise they say.

Vinomom said...
December 3, 2009 at 10:31 AM

You and I are so on the same page. Except I have never been able to get addicted to exercise. I've been motivated and strict, and kept at it, but I've never actually enjoyed it. Getting up at 5 am? FUCK YOU.

But I say we are on the same page because there are some basic principles to weight loss and people try to get around them - you have to exercise!!!

I was skinny my whole life until I hit my mid twenties (and discovered WINE...coincidence? I think not.) About four years ago I just got motivated one day and that was it, Lost fifteen pounds in about four or five months. Took me around 3 years to gain it back.

Went to Aruba last August. Lost nine pounds in 2 months. Gained about five of it back already...my problem is making exercise part of my lifestyle, not just a goal.

Those pounds find their way back so quickly....

But going from a 14 to a size 5 - wow, that is one major accomplishment!

Danielle said...
December 3, 2009 at 11:08 AM

I am in too. If I could just stop making excuses on why the gym doesn't fit into my schedule, I would be good.
This may be what I needed.

Mammatalk said...
December 3, 2009 at 12:10 PM

Just popped over from Think Tank.

I hate being out of shape. I have always been Olive Oyl thin, but I still can't make it to the top of the stairs. Thanks for the inspiration.

blueviolet said...
December 3, 2009 at 12:33 PM

The hardest part is the getting started. They say it takes 21 days to make a habit and I have to say that's true for me. Once I'm in the zone, I can do it just like you did. It's getting that urge to start....well, that's it. I just need that urge!

Noelle said...
December 3, 2009 at 1:30 PM

god dammit. this is my first time here (adrienzgirl sent me) and i already don't like you. dammit, dammit, dammit. i had to go outside and smoke before i could reply...i had to ponder what my response would be. i had to decide...do i want to get off my ass and walk? do i want to eat healthy? do i want to buy new clothes? no, no, yes. whatever. i'm in...i guess.

MaeRae said...
December 3, 2009 at 1:37 PM

Okay, I came here from adrienzgirl too...bite me and I am in...I guess the last 20 or 30 bitching pounds that I have been swearing about for the past year can come off in 2010.

Anonymous said...
December 3, 2009 at 1:46 PM

Pfft, I know it but its too easy to forget. I am in, we can make this a Pan-Pacific challenge. However you girls over there on the Eastern side need to loose pounds, I need to loose kilo's (bout 25)

Aunt Juicebox said...
December 3, 2009 at 2:13 PM

I put you in charge DualMom. Come up with the specifics and you look like you've got yourself a Losers Club.
I have to say though at nearly 5'10", size 14 is my DREAM. Guess it's time to drag out the Fitboard, it's the only scale in the damn house.

Becca said...
December 3, 2009 at 2:31 PM

I have way more weight to lose than all of you, but I am willing to take it one step at a time if you will have me be a part of the group.

dadshouse said...
December 3, 2009 at 2:43 PM

Great story. I get squeamish with anything medical, though. Oy. I ran forever, and then my knees started hurting so I switched to cycling. I'm actually leaner when I cycle than when I run. I love fucking sexy legs on a woman, btw.

Anonymous said...
December 3, 2009 at 2:44 PM

I weightlifted for 25 years and taught aerobics and so on and so on.
Then thyroid disease . . . the fatigue was so bad I started falling asleep on the stretching mats at the gym, really, what the fuck is the point of going to the gym to sleep, my couch is way more comfortable.
While I still can't weightlift I make the effort to walk home from work almost every day - that is 3 miles! Okay I don't walk home in the pissing down rain and this is Vancouver . . .
I don't have much weight to lose, 12 pounds or so, mostly because I have severe food allergies, thanks to the untreated years of the thyroid disease.

Oh yeah, yum fudge, maybe I will get some of that today and then walk home from work, really fast.
: ) gaylin

Anonymous said...
December 3, 2009 at 2:48 PM

I have so much to lose that I might have an unfair advantage...or not. Is it a bad sign when Krispy Kreme sounds better than sex?

Together We Save said...
December 3, 2009 at 2:56 PM

Can't say I will join in but good luck to everyone. Oh and I agree with ninekindsofcrazy...I just love Krispy Kreme!

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...
December 3, 2009 at 4:50 PM

amazing story. I'll tell you this though. I workout 4 times a week...hard. I don't lose weight unless I really am conscious of what I eat. Which I HATE.

Mad Woman said...
December 3, 2009 at 8:19 PM

Excellent post and I'm in. Cos, well, you read my whine....I need to.


Lola said...
December 4, 2009 at 1:28 AM

Wow, that's quite a deal with your surgery, girl! Glad you got through that.

Cool challenge. I'd play along, but I already challenged myself a couple months ago, upped the intensity of my workouts, and I don't have much weight to lose (the same last five that I'd love to see gone but can live with just fine as long as my clothes fit well). I know, I know, punch me in the face.

Eating less and drinking less wine is what I need to do to lose the pesky five, but I love eating and wine too damn much to go to such extremes ;)

I'll totally cheer you guys on, though! I know quite a bit about workouts and what really works for me. The key is circuit training, some cardio, some weights and pushups, lots and lots of pushups. Sad and painful, but oh, so true.

kys said...
December 5, 2009 at 8:23 PM

Exercise alone does not work for me. It makes me eat more. I have to count calories or points (ww) too. Seeing as how I don't have one extra minute in my day, I'll go out on a limb here and congratulate all of you for beating me.

gayle said...
December 5, 2009 at 11:12 PM

I am IN!!! I have all the cute clothes still in my closet!! All I have to do ist lose 40 pounds.

WolfePartyOf5 said...
December 29, 2009 at 3:23 AM

I'm in!! I need to lose some massive weight like all over!! Let's do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!