If Only I Went To Church

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It's Sunday morning at 7:04. I have been awake since 5:40 and out of bed since 6:33am. It's insane I know. I'm hardwired to wake up early but I'm usually able to roll over and go back to sleep once it dawns on me that I don't have to get up and go to work. Not so this morning it seems. Oh well, I'll have all the more time to get those decorations started, right?  If I went to church I'd look so hawt because I'd have 3 hours to get ready. Do people try to look good at church anymore?  Alas, I do not go to church. Instead, I'll sit here drinking coffee, reading blogs and stealing meme's to post for your enjoyment, which sounds like a hot diggity good time.

You should also stop by Kys's and wish her a very happy birfday (as my daughter used to say before she could sound out the letter "t").

Sunday Stealing: The 6 Ws Meme

Who...

Is easy to love?

Kids? No, sometimes they're really difficult to love. Ummm...I have nothing.

Do you just wanna smack?

Everyone at some point in the day including myself.

Do you trust?

Trust is one of those words that has levels. Who do I trust not to stab me in the back as I walk down the street? Well everyone mostly. Though I'm sure there are a few that would jump at the chance if given the opportunity. Who do I trust with secrets that have the potential to ruin my life? One person, bff from high school who knows all my secrets and is the only person in the world who I know would drop everything to be by my side if I needed her.

Do you talk to when you're alone?

Myself, obviously.


What...

Dangerous things do you do while driving?

Most times I have kids in the car while I'm driving so I try to act like an adult. However, last spring for 5-months I took on a project that had me driving all over hell's creation on a daily basis. There was an INSANE amount of work to be done in a short time and I was working 12-14 hour days on a regular basis. Early mornings, late nights, no breaks, tons of meetings and my cell phone rang about 200 times a day.  On days when I knew I couldn't be in a million places at once I would take one of the girls from the office with me to help out. She still tells stories of me driving down the highway at 6:00 in the morning, talking on the cell phone, drinking coffee, eating a bagel and yes...driving. She says that I would then put the coffee down and try to reach into my bag in the back seat to grab my notebook. I don't believe her. I mean c'mon...would I seriously try to WRITE while driving?

I actually shudder when I think of this because I think it's true. It's all like a foggy dream. I was THAT busy. I have never worked so hard in my life. I have to tell you though, I would get more work done on the road than I ever did in the office.

Are you allergic to?

Nothing. Not even dust which is apparently unheard of. I am a freak of nature when it comes to medical science. (Ok, when it comes to everything ... really). They tested me before ripping my head open to replace part of my inner ear, thinking it was allergies that was causing my problems. Then tested me again when the tests came back negative for EVERYTHING. Then a third time because the doc was convinced they screwed up the first two tests. For quite some time after, whenever I drank anything it would spout out the holes in my back. My back looked like a fucking pin cushion and it took weeks to get the marker off!!!

Is Satan's last name?

This is a fucking retarded question.

Is the freakiest thing in your house?...

The answer would have to be me, since I seem to have gotten rid of the mice.

Okay, I've decided I don't really like this meme because it's retarded. I'll post the rest of the questions in case you care to partake of the retardedness.

When...


Is it time to turn over a new leaf?
Will you be all that you can be?
Is enough enough?
Do you go to the dark side? (see....retarded...wait it gets better)

Where...
Are your pants?
Is your last will and testament?
Is your junk food stash?
Is Carmen Sandiego? (......told you)

Why...
Was the Lone Ranger alone?
Was The Scarlet Letter scarlet?
Are musicians sexy and plumbers not?
Are there no seat belts on school buses?

Would you...
Swim the English Channel for a doughnut and coffee? If not that, what?
Forgive someone who deliberately hurt you?
Rather believe a lie if it hurt you less than the truth? (I think we've discussed my infinite ability to delude myself)
You still be alive if you were sucked out of an airplane window? (This meme really does suck dirty donkey balls)

Okay, sorry for putting you through that. To make up for it, I'll tell you that I have been asked to join the choir at work . Each year staff and students put on a Christmas concert. We have some pretty talented people around that can rock the house. Each year, a bit of rivallry tends to develop between the men's and women's choirs.

Let's get something straight. I can't sing. No, I don't mean that I'm shy and don't like standing on stage. I mean I CAN NOT sing. I'm almost completely deaf in one ear - and tone deaf in the other. I have a very LOUD speaking voice that makes dogs and small animals quiver in fear. Why these people asked me to join their choir is beyond me. I have a sneaky suspicion they're looking for an increase in their program budgets and think that including me in this shit will soften me up and I will in turn plead their case to the boss. They really have no idea, do they? So they asked, and after wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes, I agreed.

The first practice was on Friday. They have now realized the error of their ways but can't kick me out because they're afraid to piss me off hurt my feelings. It is quite hilarious. They tried moving me to the back of the group (all the while pretending they were doing it because of my height, not because I sound like a cat being castrated without anesthetic ) but I'm quite tall with heels on so my voice projects over those people in front of me.  They tried having me just sing harmony but soon discovered that was a total fucking disaster. The proper thing to do here would be to just mouth the words right? Alas, I am a bitch, and derive great enjoyment out of watching them squirm.
 
So I've taken it upon my self to be be the self-directed stylist of the group. Hey, if we're I'm going to sound like shit in front of 500 people, we're going to look good doing it, right? None of this black pants/white shirt combination shit most choirs go for. No no, we're going for the bling. Everyone in RED. There are a few red heads in the group that tried to give me guff about this so I slapped them explained to them that red heads can indeed wear red, they just have to wear the proper shade of red. I then tried to convince everyone that red HALTER tops would be sure to throw the men's choir totally off their game because goddammit I we need to kick their ass this year.  C'mon ladies, we need to work with our god given gifts here. Since I can't sing, what better way to ensure no one is actually listening to the group than having an entire squad of your lady coworkers and teachers scantily clad in bright red halter tops?! Trashy you say? Well ok maybe just a little bit, but it would totally work. Throw in a Janet Jackson moment and voila, no one gives a shit that we're totally murdering a classic Christmas carol.

The girls didn't seem very enthusiastic about this idea. They were all nuns in a previous life have no sense of adventure. So I'm going to have to rethink my look for the group.

Would you wear a red halter top in the choir for me?

13 comments:

I am Harriet said...
December 13, 2009 at 11:25 AM

Seriously, like Satan would even have a last name.

Have a great Sunday!
http://iamharriet.blogspot.com/2009/12/who-do-you-talk-to-when-youre-alone.html

Join us for Monday Mayhem

MaeRae said...
December 13, 2009 at 12:17 PM

okay, I don't know, are we trying to gag the men's chior so that they can't sing...if yes then i would wear the haltertop...if not, then nope, i cannot sing and my scars and flubber would be to much for the haltertop.

And as I was reading the meme...i thought, "wow, that is seriously retarted!

gayle said...
December 13, 2009 at 1:10 PM

First of all what is a MEME???

2nd No, sorry wouldn't wear a hatlter top unless I could lose this extra weight I've gained.

Third I bet you sing better than you think

Lola said...
December 13, 2009 at 2:30 PM

Yep, I'd wear a red halter for sure. Can't sing for shit, so I might as well look pretty.

Oh, and that was one of the most retarded memes I've ever seen.

Sorry I haven't been around lately. It's taking me two whole days to catch up on everyone because I took a week off to deal with the holiday/birthday madness.

Life with Kaishon said...
December 13, 2009 at 2:43 PM

I came over from Blue Violet's today. I laughed and laughed about Satan's name : ). You are so funny!

I go to church, but you know what I have noticed? Not a lot of people get especially dressed up for it anymore. Mostly they wear jeans. I remember when I was younger getting ready for church was VERY important.

Hope you have a good week. We haven't decorated for Christmas yet either. I have NO idea what I am waiting for...

blueviolet said...
December 13, 2009 at 6:43 PM

If you find me a push-up bra that works with that halter, I'm in.

Your answer to the Satan question about killed me! LMAO

Carol said...
December 13, 2009 at 11:45 PM

I'm with Blueviolet. I can't sing to save my ass but I might be able to get away with a halter if I had the right bra :)

adrienzgirl said...
December 14, 2009 at 4:12 AM

I think MeMes are fucking retarded, no offense. Seriously, who comes up with the questions for these?

Rock the halter tops! Great idea! You are persuasive. Make them see the error of their ways! :D

kys said...
December 14, 2009 at 11:59 AM

Thanks for the birthday link!

If I had lip, a boob lift, a tummy tuck, and my bat wings/Oprah arms surgically altered, I would rock that halter top.

Laura said...
December 14, 2009 at 1:10 PM

I actually still require everyone in the family to look nice for church. At the very minimum they need to put on a pair of Dockers. I guess it's the old granny in me that still feels we should look our best for Christ. *sigh*

Tracey said...
December 14, 2009 at 3:59 PM

You're very funny! www.twochins.blogspot.com

vinomom said...
December 14, 2009 at 7:42 PM

Ha! I love that you stopped that retarded Meme mid way through.

I'm glad someone else has a very loud speaking voice. Do people constantly look at you and say "I'm right here." ?

Not sure about the halter tops. Give me a few days to ponder this one.

Secretia said...
December 15, 2009 at 10:25 AM

As long as we have fun and we don't hurt anybody, then anything gos!