All I Want for Christmas Is A Condo in Florida

Brought to you exclusively by Dual Mom on
Dear Santa:

Is that too much to ask for? I mean really, I've been a somewhat good girl this year, I have not committed any grievous sins against my fellow man. I have been kind (sometimes), generous (sometimes), and full of sunshine and flowers (okay never, shutyourface).  My point is, there's a helluva lot worse people in this world than me Santa, my biggest sin being I curse like a sailor and believe children should be seen and not heard (did I say that outloud?)  Anyway, I don't think a condo in Florida is too much to ask for you big fat fucker in a red suit. It does not even have to be Florida, it could be any southern state really just get me the fuck away FROM ALL THIS GODDAMN SNOW. Please, please help me or I'm not going to be held accountable for my actions (like I ever am, really).

Santa, it started yesterday morning. Okay, maybe it started prior to me dragging my ass out of bed at 10:00am, who knows, who cares?  Anyway, it was snowing when I woke up.  As I drank my 6th cup of coffee curled up in my recliner, it was quite pretty. I have a very nice view of the water, (perfect spot to park your sleigh Santa, just make sure it's frozen through, wouldn't want to have to fish you out of the river on Christmas eve) from my living room window, the trees were covered with snow, the flakes were falling softly on the shore, everything had a hushed, calm quality about it.  This is the year I'm going to like snow, I thought to myself. You get that I can delude myself like nobody's business, right?

So the snow was beautiful, yesterday. This morning, not so much. At 6:45 in the morning the last thing I want to do is scrape 3 inches of fucking ice off my car. The last thing I want to do is fight, curse, scream at my car door because the goddamn ice has it frozen solid and I can't get in to start it to warm the fucking thing up. The last thing I want to do is rip my wipers off because I'm too goddamn lazy to completely clear the ice off my front windshield.  The last thing I want to do is have some jackass cockfucker riding my ass during the my entire 60km drive - do you see the ice on the roads you stupid fucker? Do you? Prick - back off my ass I am driving a brand new vehicle and if you ding my bumper I will take you down.  I have three kids in the car and if you hit me you are going to die a slow, very horrible, painful death mothafucka.  Of course I said none of that, because the kids were in the car and it would make me a horrible mother to say those things in front of my kids. Right Santa? Okay ... maybe I mumbled "prick" but the kids all had headphones in and couldn't hear me. Yeah, I get that you see me when I'm sleeping and you know when I'm awake, happy, sad and cursing like a truck stop whore. Whatever.


I know, I know you're from the North Pole and the sprinkling we got yesterday is nothing compared to the blanket of snow I'm sure you have. But you have fucking REINDEER with light UP noses, not a front wheel drive that needs winter tires. You have all that fat and the big red suit to keep you warm. I can't even find my damn gloves from last year.  You have a sled for fuck sakes.  How is that fair?

Can you tell I like snow? Yeah, I figured this would paint a very vivid picture of my love for the fucking white stuff. I apologize for all the bad words Santa, but holy fuck can somebody stop the insanity?

You will argue that snow puts folks in the Christmas spirit. I'll tell you this, I was in no damn type of holiday spirit before the snow and ruining a perfectly good pair of heels walking on the ice hasn't fucking improved my disposition any.  The skiers, ohhhh the skiers. They're flitting around here at work today like someone has handed them a million dollars. They say things like "oh isn't it a beautiful morning" and "oh doesn't the snow just do wonders for your soul". No you fucking fairy, blazing hot sun and palm trees would do wonders for my soul, this white shit just pisses me off. You know the skiers have been performing midnight human sacrifices to the snow gods since the first of November, because that's the way they roll. Shifty lot...

So Santa, I'd like a condo in a southern state please.  I will leave carrots for the reindeers and cookies and milk for you (though it wouldn't hurt you to lay off the cookies a bit and lose a few pounds...hey a bunch of us bloggers are doing a fit challenge in 2010, you're more than welcome to join us).  Send my warmest regards to the old ball and chain, Mrs. Claus. We'll see you in 18 days. 18 days, holy shit, 18 days, must go hyperventilate now.

Love
Dual Mom

17 comments:

Daffy said...
December 7, 2009 at 11:51 AM

Hmmm...a tad cranky this morning? eh?

"Anyway, I don't think a condo in Florida is too much to ask for you big fat fucker in a red suit"

ya, what she said....

Thanks for brightening my craptastic Monday. I hate Mondays and you made it all better. You can add that to your short "Nice" list this year.

adrienzgirl said...
December 7, 2009 at 12:32 PM

It snows here. Or...errrr...um, there was that one time in 1989! :D

Aunt Juicebox said...
December 7, 2009 at 1:18 PM

I woke up to snow too. However, it was an inch and has since melted. I'm lucky I don't have to commute, everyone is bitching it took them two hours to get to work today. More snow in the forecast for the next two days, and by Wed. I won't have a choice, I'll have to go out in it. I think we should get condos in the same building. I've been begging my husband to move south for years. I keep making him watch that Day After Tomorrow movie where the northern states freeze over....so far he still likes snow more than scorpions and giant mosquitoes.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...
December 7, 2009 at 2:52 PM

I am laughing!! Thanks for stopping by and I am following, you are my kind of snarky gal!

kys said...
December 7, 2009 at 3:06 PM

18 days? Holy fuck! I'm sunk.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...
December 7, 2009 at 4:04 PM

18 days! i know! isn't it sad? :(

Vinomom said...
December 7, 2009 at 4:35 PM

Where is this global warming shit anyways? I could use a little bit here in Maryland.

We got snow on Saturday, and then (gonna shock you here) I actually went outside and played w/ my kid in it on Sunday. I don't know what came over me, probably still drunk from the night before.

Let me know if Santa brings you anything good!

MaeRae said...
December 7, 2009 at 5:41 PM

It is most definately a sucky day when you ruin heels because of the snow and ice. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said get off my ass you fucker or your airbag will be up yours...i laughed and then forgot all about it until reading your post.

blueviolet said...
December 7, 2009 at 6:30 PM

Don't hold back on how you feel, ok? LOL

Oh you had me cracking up big time today!

gaylin said...
December 7, 2009 at 7:34 PM

If Santa is rich, he could buy you a condo in Vancouver - we have no snow here . . . sorry

but we got lots last year and boy, did people whine!

maybe we could get some in time for the olympics, i am thinking that would be a good thing.

advocatemom said...
December 7, 2009 at 8:56 PM

I don't mind the snow so much...but do we have to have the ice and scary driving? Oh, and I could do without the below zeros too. I'm picky like that. :-)

Sorry about the shoes.

Raoulysgirl said...
December 7, 2009 at 10:45 PM

I needed the laugh!!! Thanks!!!

Santa would probably give you a timeshare...that you could only use during hurricane season.

He's a sarcastic prick.

gayle said...
December 7, 2009 at 11:36 PM

I like the snow but HATE getting out in it!!
Doesn't snow much here but one time I did have that problem ....getting my door open!!

Kristin said...
December 8, 2009 at 2:43 AM

How about we trade spots for a bit? Your sick of snow and I'm sick of this fake winter. Deal? Ah ha ha

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...
December 8, 2009 at 7:38 PM

Be careful...he might just send you a reindeer with a bright red nose and a sleigh. And he will make you clean up the reindeer crap. Big fat fuckers in red suits tend to be snitty like that.

Queen of Feisty said...
December 10, 2009 at 2:31 PM

Love this post. At one point, somewhere around the ripping the wippers off the car, I had tears of laughter rolling down my face.

I am thinking about this 2010 Weight loss challange your talking to Santa about...is this real? Can I be in?

Queen of Feisty