The One Where I'm Deep and Thoughtful and Shit

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I've had an odd week.

My son is turning 18 this month and it's making me pensive? sad? feeling old? regretful?

I regret very few things in my life. One of those few things, is not realizing that 18 years can fly by as though it were months rather than years.

I also managed to fuck up my budget somehow last month and am considering setting up my own 1-900 number to make it through April.

The realization that I'll never have a "disposable" income and I'll forever have to live within a budget has got me down in the mouth. Poor me, right? Actually let's be honest here, single mom, three kids, car payment, mortgage, it's tough. There are millions worse off then me. I keep telling myself that. When I'm scraping the goddamn deodorant out of the container to get one more day out of it, it's little solace.

I sat on my mortgaged deck this evening, drinking a cheap glass of merlot....... thinking. Does it matter if the merlot is cheap? It still tastes like a wee bit of heaven. Does it matter that the damn deck is mortgaged to the hilt? I thank the powers that be that I have life insurance on it because chances are the only way it'll be paid off is when I kick the bucket. As I sat on my mortgaged deck, watching a spectacular sun set, listening to the water splash against the shore, I noticed that my crocus are coming up and my tulips are peaking their heads through. So I smiled. Spring will come regardless and the cycle will start again. I'm glad to be here, to be a part of a new cycle.

I'm thankful. I need to remember how much I have. I need to stop once in awhile and realize the "have" column is much longer than the "have not" column. The health to enjoy a glass of wine. Eyes to appreciate a sunset. Beautiful, intelligent, funny children to turn 18 who bring me more joy than words could ever express. Friends both near and far who love me. A wonderful job that I actually enjoy, that allows me to feed my kids and pay my mortgage.

If we allow it to, life will often bring us down. We'll get lost in want rather than need, lost in turbulence and chaos. It's so damn easy to lose ourselves, to lose our perspective.

So as you enjoy your Easter weekend (or just the weekend itself) take stock of your haves. Let go of the things you don't have.

So my wish for you.... peace of mind, love and beautiful sunsets.


Menopausal New Mom said...
April 2, 2010 at 11:27 PM

Awww! What a beautiful post tonight. I've heard that 18 years can go by in a flash and I can see that in how fast I got to 49. My little one turns 4 next week. FOUR!!! How can time go by so fast even though you're up like 20 hours a day taking care of her? Hope you have a wonderful weekend too and BTW,hubby is off to the cottage tomorrow so if you have any wine left........

rxBambi said...
April 2, 2010 at 11:28 PM

this was a touching post, thanks for sharing it.
My daughter will turn 18 in december, and I know exactly what you mean about it flying by. I remember when they were both liitle (2 and 4) and I was a single mom and I thought it would never end and the girls would never quit fighting.
Now all of a sudden I worry about being an empty nester (youngest is now a frosh in hs, I'm afraid it's going to just fly by...)
cheers, and enjoy your wine :)

Anonymous said...
April 2, 2010 at 11:34 PM

I have been giving myself this talk a lot lately as my older kid is moving out. I like this post. Have an awesome weekend DM. Enjoy the wine!

middle child said...
April 3, 2010 at 1:50 AM

Spectacular sunset and waves lapping up on the shore? You are at least rich in beauty. And kids always makes one rich in love. Blessings.

Anonymous said...
April 3, 2010 at 7:10 AM

Fabulous post Missy - I little appreciation never did any of us any harm... and don't forget there is still Karma waiting to pay you back - maybe a winning lottery ticket or that son of yours will make his millions and share them with his lovely Mummy. Fingers crossed... and remember it was me who predicted it ;0)

JennyMac said...
April 3, 2010 at 8:52 AM

I feel like it will be too soon when our 3 year old turns 18. I want to live in every moment now.

Love your retrospect. Have a beautiful Easter weekend.

Anonymous said...
April 3, 2010 at 9:28 AM

Thanks for your beautiful wishes.
Don't plan on using your life insurance for another 50 years or so. Life is beautiful, Prince Charming is hoping to meet you, and he is financially well off.

Smile and keep smiling!


June said...
April 3, 2010 at 10:03 AM

I was a single Mom for many years when my kids were very young. It's hard to always say "No" I don't have money. Needs vs. Wants
But we made it and have many blessings to count.

Tightward did a little research and found some good box wines at a great price. Almost 4 bottles of wine in one box for the cost of 2 bottles. Apparently due to the cost in glass and the recycle process we will see more boxed wines in the future. Snobby wine drinkers might stick their noses up at "box wine" but us Cleaver's are all about being frugal. (Especially Ward)

Sending you many wishes of the same... Peace, love and beautiful sunsets.

Mrsblogalot said...
April 3, 2010 at 10:14 AM

What a great post ! I always try try try to stack the haves higher than the have-nots. It's hard sometimes so I love reading posts like this that remind me of how truly lucky we all are!

My messy mortgaged kitchen is calling me (-:

Thanks and enjoy your weekend!!

Lori E said...
April 3, 2010 at 11:36 AM

The pressures can sure get to you. You must be really strong because you managed to find the good in your life instead of wallowing.
Everyone should have a good wallow once in a while but then we need to pull up our big girl panties and deal with it.
My eldest turned 27 on Monday and I just think he is getting older, not me.

Ian said...
April 3, 2010 at 11:46 AM

Nice post and like you, we are pretty much in the same boat you aren't alone. Love ya yo even though you called me a Cynthia over email.

Just kidding. ;) happy Easter!

Anonymous said...
April 3, 2010 at 12:16 PM

AWWWWWWWW! After the last 24 hours I've had...(and the next 48 for that matter) this puts a lot into perspective for me...well said!

Michelle Pixie said...
April 3, 2010 at 12:31 PM

Great post! I think we all feel this from time to time. And although my is only turning 6 in a couple of weeks, I am having a hard enough time with that...she's counting down the days until she’s 18! It all goes by way too fast. I heard someone say once in motherhood the days are long, but the years are short and I don't think I've ever heard it put better. You really are so right it is so easy to get swallowed up by the have-nots we forget all of the good stuff that we have right in front of us. Thanks for the reminder!!

My Mercurial Nature said...
April 3, 2010 at 12:57 PM

It's hard for me to accept that my Son is 9yrs old...thinking of the day that he turns 18 just blows my mind. It seems SO far off...but then, 9 seemed awfully far away, too. This is a good reminder, not just to be thankful for "haves", but for the time...I need to stop a moment and enjoy all these eye-rolls I'm getting. :-)

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...
April 3, 2010 at 1:30 PM

Weel, gee. Look at the sensitive and insightful Dual Mom!

18 years old, eh? That almost made my heart beat out of my chest. I know I will be there before I know it with Jason and it freaks me out.

Thanks for the reminder to enjoy his little boy-ness now.

The Queen said...
April 3, 2010 at 4:18 PM

merlot is merlot.. price doesn't matter... have a happy easter.. I stopped over to see just how clean you got the place... nice..... really nice....

*LLUVIA* said...
April 3, 2010 at 4:25 PM

awww...this is nice. wine is matter what the price is. I'm not a wine expert, so I just drink whatever I can find, and whatever picture on the bottle appeals to me! :)

Happy Days to you too! :)

Danielle said...
April 3, 2010 at 5:36 PM

You have a really sweet side. Love it. I hope you have a great Easter, you deserve it.
BTW I made Hot Spiced Wine last night. It was awesome and I used really cheap wine. Made it even better.

Lisa said...
April 3, 2010 at 8:41 PM

The bigger the bitch, the more sarcasm, the more marshmallowy they are on the insides...I should know I am one of 'em. But if you tell anyone that I have a heart, I will shiv you with a ho-made pizza cutter. :D Happy Weekend.

PS Thank you for following me to my new address. I promise to uphold the Sarcastic Bitch Code of Ethics. I won't let you down.

Kat said...
April 3, 2010 at 9:16 PM

Merlot is good no matter the price, and I might have to use that 1-900 idea this month as well!

Becky (MsBatman) said...
April 3, 2010 at 9:34 PM

my oldest just turned 13 this month, so I've 5 years to 18. And much like you I'm a single mom with a scumbag ex husband who doesn't pay his child support. I often forget to focus on the haves vs the have nots. And usually my have nots are wants not needs.

Linda Medrano said...
April 3, 2010 at 11:12 PM

Happy Easter to you and the kids! I'm so glad you're able to look at the beauty and push away the stupid stuff that worries us most of the time. It all works out, Sweetheart! Really it does!

Aimee said...
April 3, 2010 at 11:20 PM

This was a really awesome post. I can't count the number of times I've thought the same thoughts, drank that same glass of wine, and counted the same blessings.

gayle said...
April 4, 2010 at 12:25 AM

I love this post!! It is sad how time does go by so fast!!! You are right we should think of the Haves!!

Sarah With Scissors said...
April 4, 2010 at 3:09 PM

What an awesome post. Sometimes it's good to be philosophical and shit.

MiMi said...
April 4, 2010 at 4:32 PM

I always try to remember that the boys will grow up so fast...and now that I sit here with them both screaming at the top of their lungs?? I wanna fast forward this 10 minutes.

The Only Girl said...
April 4, 2010 at 8:33 PM

And the same to you girl! Always try to find something to enjoy.

Terry said...
April 4, 2010 at 9:40 PM

I hear ya! This budget crap is for the birds! All was well with one child and my late spouse. Then I had to go and find someone new, add two more kids, and now all of a sudden the bills are atrocious!! BUT...I also spotted a purple hyacinth blooming today and realized Life IS Good...and I have to focus on THAT!
Love this post!

adrienzgirl said...
April 5, 2010 at 1:01 AM

Well fuck me. Look at you being all introspective and sappy.

I do love this sensitive side. I have one too. Shhh.....don't blow my cover.

Those 18 years came and went quick huh? I am right there with you on that. Just wait. Soon you'll be a grandmother just like me and then you will really think you feel effing old.

I am too young to be old. Young at heart. Hell, half the time I still act like I'm 15. This responsibility thing is so exhausting.

But, like you, I am thankful for the gifts in my life. I have so many who love me, and really, if I had nothing else, that would make me whole. I don't care if I have a pot to piss in. I have beautiful, healthy and happy children.

Chibi Jeebs said...
April 5, 2010 at 3:03 AM

"If we allow it to, life will often bring us down. We'll get lost in want rather than need, lost in turbulence and chaos. It's so damn easy to lose ourselves, to lose our perspective."

Awesome. Just awesome. :)

Anonymous said...
April 5, 2010 at 3:44 AM

18... I have a 9 yr old. ANd I cant believe how quickly the time has gone. Im sure I'll be saying the same thing in another 9 yrs.

Tracie said...
April 5, 2010 at 12:43 PM

18 years? It can go by in a flash. Half the time I still feel, well not 18, but maybe 28.

Spring has sprung here, too. It puts me in an optimistic mood.

Daffy said...
April 5, 2010 at 2:19 PM

*snort* Your Prozac salt-lick ran out again, didn't it?

Just kidding, love. It's been a reflective time as of late. I feel you on the moods and thoughts and introspection.

Thank God for tulips...just when it seems that all willforever be gray, brown and barren those vibrant splashed of color reach up and help us find our smiles.

HAWTDAMN! What the fuck was in my coffe today? That's the third half way intelligent comment I've left today. Did you highjack my ovaries?

blueviolet said...
April 5, 2010 at 3:35 PM

What a fantastic reminder. As I move out from under the shelter and financial protection of a husband, I worry about the same things you're worrying about. I don't know how I'm going to make it, but I do know that Im taking the second chance I've been given and I trust it will all be ok. (((big hugs)))

Salt said...
April 5, 2010 at 4:21 PM

Sometimes cheap wine is the best kind. Happy early 18th to your eldest. It is amazing how time flies.

Great post and exactly something that I needed to read today. :)

Me-Me King said...
April 6, 2010 at 10:56 AM

My son turned 33 yesterday. Just where does the time go? One day you are changing diapers, taking off the training wheels then, before you know it, it's time to take a picture of them in their cap and gown. Now, he has a beautiful family of his own. Thank goodness for grand children, I get do-overs!

Juliana said...
April 6, 2010 at 5:07 PM

This was a beautiful post, makes me think when I write letters to my son who is not even 2 years old yet. I mean, why the HELL did someone not tell us mothers with children at any age how quickly it goes by? I mean, really REALLY tell us.

Sometimes it when it rains it pours and all we can do it stop from drowning. Even though we think we have learned lessons enough times already we are stuck in another rut. We dream of trees made of money, winning the lottery of having less stress. Then at times like these we remember again that people and not things are important and that even the cheapest glass of wine with a beautiful sunset can feel like the best luxury on earth.

Aunt Juicebox said...
April 6, 2010 at 7:57 PM

I'm not looking forward to 18. 16 was depressing enough. =( I feel the same way sometimes, I have this huge list of things I want that are big ticket items, and I war with myself over whether or not it's fair to even purchase them. I always feel a little better this time of year though, with the warm weather and sunshine.

Anonymous said...
April 15, 2010 at 11:01 PM

i needed this right now. thanks :-)