I've had an odd week.
My son is turning 18 this month and it's making me pensive? sad? feeling old? regretful?
I regret very few things in my life. One of those few things, is not realizing that 18 years can fly by as though it were months rather than years.
I also managed to fuck up my budget somehow last month and am considering setting up my own 1-900 number to make it through April.
The realization that I'll never have a "disposable" income and I'll forever have to live within a budget has got me down in the mouth. Poor me, right? Actually let's be honest here, single mom, three kids, car payment, mortgage, it's tough. There are millions worse off then me. I keep telling myself that. When I'm scraping the goddamn deodorant out of the container to get one more day out of it, it's little solace.
I sat on my mortgaged deck this evening, drinking a cheap glass of merlot....... thinking. Does it matter if the merlot is cheap? It still tastes like a wee bit of heaven. Does it matter that the damn deck is mortgaged to the hilt? I thank the powers that be that I have life insurance on it because chances are the only way it'll be paid off is when I kick the bucket. As I sat on my mortgaged deck, watching a spectacular sun set, listening to the water splash against the shore, I noticed that my crocus are coming up and my tulips are peaking their heads through. So I smiled. Spring will come regardless and the cycle will start again. I'm glad to be here, to be a part of a new cycle.
I'm thankful. I need to remember how much I have. I need to stop once in awhile and realize the "have" column is much longer than the "have not" column. The health to enjoy a glass of wine. Eyes to appreciate a sunset. Beautiful, intelligent, funny children to turn 18 who bring me more joy than words could ever express. Friends both near and far who love me. A wonderful job that I actually enjoy, that allows me to feed my kids and pay my mortgage.
If we allow it to, life will often bring us down. We'll get lost in want rather than need, lost in turbulence and chaos. It's so damn easy to lose ourselves, to lose our perspective.
So as you enjoy your Easter weekend (or just the weekend itself) take stock of your haves. Let go of the things you don't have.
So my wish for you.... peace of mind, love and beautiful sunsets.
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