Don't You Dare Speak To Me With Tone

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The tone of your voice can say more to a person than any words convey. Expecially when the person you're speaking to with TONE in your voice gave birth to you OR had really bad sex with you for ten years. There's also very little in the world that sets me off quicker than someone speaking to me "with tone" when I'm being polite and courteous.

Let me set the backdrop for you.

Monty is working with his grandmother on Saturdays and any day through the week when there is no school. Last night he informed me that he will be working today and needs to be at his father's house at 7:00am to travel to work with his grandmother. This invloves me getting up at 5:00am to be ready to leave the house at 6:30. I don't mind that part. This puts me at work shortly after 7:00am....where I am required to sit and wait for the fucking building to open. Still I can deal with this.

What I can't fucking deal with, is getting lip and TONE when I try to find out what time your ass needs to be picked up after work, Monty. What I can't deal with is dipshit, monkey ball sucking, asshat Ex giving me TONE because I dared to bother him on his cellphone to find out when son might be ready for pickup this evening. You know what monkeyball sucking EX -  I never wanted him working at this place to begin don't you fucking dare give me attitude when I try to find out when he needs to be picked up. Don't you dare imply with the tone of your exasperated voice that I'm in some way stupid to be even asking you this question.

I'm sorry if I'm not all up on the policies and procedures of a fucking fish processing plant. Don't even bother saying "it varies" like that's the fucking obvious answer. It varies? He's a fucking 18 year old kid working in a processing plant...what the fuck do you mean it varies?

Well guess what fucktard? Dual Mom varies too.  Dual Mom is going to tell you to fly the fuck off a short pier with your attitude, she's going to designate you fucking chaffeur for the evening, then she's going to talk about herself in the third person and share your ass fuckedness with the world.

FUCK! I hate stupid people. What the hell was I thinking when I married that man?

Another thing -- people that spit on the sidewalk. Dude walking in front of me today at lunch let out a big gobbing spit which I then promptly stepped in. That's beyond disgusting. I'm sure his wife is proud. What the fuck? First off why do you even NEED to spit? Second, if you NEED to spit that badly, spit in your fucking hand dude because I'm pretty sure you're about to get my 4 inch, spit covered heel up your arse.

$15 to send a one page document ExpressPost. $15. Hey Canada Post - would you like a couple of eyeballs to go with that fucking arm and leg?

There! I feel much better now. Bring on the weekend.


Anonymous said...
April 23, 2010 at 1:51 PM

MOnkeyball sucking, asshat Ex.... does that sum Ex's up perfectly! Ex's are ex's for a reason. Usually because they're fuckwits.

On the plus side, the weekend starts at 5pm. Cheers to that!

Menopausal New Mom said...
April 23, 2010 at 2:01 PM

I am so with you on the spitting on the sidewalk thing. Drives me insane, I hate it, why do they have to spit? What do they do all winter when they are indoors, spit on the floors? I HATE IT!!!

Ian said...
April 23, 2010 at 2:20 PM

Monkey ball sucking dipshit. I like it. How about this? Monkey ball sucking, cock smoking, finger licking, asshole diarrhea licking, bucked tooth ass clown?

Try that next time.

Brittney said...
April 23, 2010 at 2:21 PM

LMAO! I love the colorful illustration of monkeyball sucking asshate EX! haahah!!

Sorry about your shoes!! Fucktard.. you dont mess with a woman and her shoes! haha

MiMi said...
April 23, 2010 at 2:29 PM

I hate monkeyball sucking asshats.
I hope you get him to chauffer or at least run over his foot next time you see him. :)

Kaylen said...
April 23, 2010 at 2:40 PM

This entire post was wonderful!! You have such a way with words. I love that it all got wrapped up with this: then she's going to talk about herself in the third person and share your ass fuckedness with the world.
LOVE it!!!

Spitters are disgusting. They are right up there with smokers who throw their cigarettes on the ground.

Melinda Arnold said...
April 23, 2010 at 2:46 PM

You know I'm stealing the term 'monkeyballsuckingasshat ex' the next time I blog about my ex. And I thought I had it covered with 'fucktard'

Anonymous said...
April 23, 2010 at 2:48 PM

Tone always ticks me off, unless Im the one giving it;)

Anonymous said...
April 23, 2010 at 2:54 PM

I love the names you come up with!!

Spitting is just gross. Hope you told him to shove it up his ass!

Hope your weekend is better!

Mae Rae said...
April 23, 2010 at 3:27 PM

alright, i got to tell you. I was kind of laughing a little reading this post, only because I love how you refer to your ex. Then i gagged, oh and i gagged good. My brothers used to play this game when we were little, it was called "who can make maerae puke first". This was usually played right after "who can make #5 cry first". Well, back to my story. My #2 brother could cough up some good ones, when he would spit them in my path, i would instantly puke. I was always afraid that I would step in it.
Okay, you just made my #2 brother proud.

Crazy Brunette said...
April 23, 2010 at 3:30 PM

The monkey ball sucking ex sounds like a total fuck berry!

Next time he can bring him the fuck home with his, "it varies" bullshit.

WHAT VARIES is when I might get the urge to slash your goddamn tires fuck head!

Sarah With Scissors said...
April 23, 2010 at 3:40 PM

You go girl... throat punch them ALL!

Salt said...
April 23, 2010 at 4:52 PM

You are seriously one of my favorite people on the internet. I love this.

I will second your spitting on the sidewalk and raise you a spitting out a moving car window. You know what's awesome? Having someone else's lungbutter splatter on your windshield while you're driving.

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...
April 23, 2010 at 5:12 PM

Dual Mom is going to tell you to fly the fuck off a short pier with your attitude, she's going to designate you fucking chaffeur for the evening, then she's going to talk about herself in the third person and share your ass fuckedness with the world.

Please say this to him. please.

Angelia said...
April 23, 2010 at 5:57 PM

The Ex talks like that to me. Douchebag.

Unknown Mami said...
April 23, 2010 at 6:12 PM

So I read the title of this post and immediately started saying to the screen, "Tone, what tone? I wasn't using a tone."

*LLUVIA* said...
April 23, 2010 at 6:28 PM


aarrghhh...THE SPITTING!! It's one of my biggest pet peeves!!

Some smokers spit. My mom used to spit! It was gross!

June said...
April 23, 2010 at 6:59 PM

Ward said, What the Fuck? She can see Fuck all the way through her post but she can't say "ass" at the end?? (arse)

Have a fucking great weekend!

Alex said...
April 23, 2010 at 7:54 PM

Way to vent woman! Now go have a good weekend, I think wine is in order.

Homesick Cajun said...
April 23, 2010 at 8:10 PM

Mr "Tone" should have walked to work lol...that'll teach 'em! j/k I can't stand it when my son gets a smart ass tone when I'm trying to do something FOR HIM! Grrr......not nice...or smart lol!

Have a great weekend Boo!

The Queen said...
April 23, 2010 at 8:25 PM

Sounds like your ex is related to mine.. and they basically spend their spare time sucking green donkey dicks.. and spitting on the sidewalk..

Daffy said...
April 23, 2010 at 9:25 PM

Geez...Ian took the words right out of my mouth.

Stupid people suck....we should make tshirts - open a club - drink, vacay somewhere tropical, get government funding for a support group....yes....I see it coming together....

carma said...
April 23, 2010 at 9:51 PM

if I see spit on the sidewalk I will not even step near it. Gross!!

One would think the fish processing plant would have regular shifts, but then I don't know much about the fish industry...Hindsight is 20/20 (with regard to your former spouse)

Kat said...
April 23, 2010 at 11:14 PM

Ewwwww! Don't you just once want to spit at someone who spits?? (I did that once...because I was spit AT...I spit back...which was ridiculously uncalled for, out of character, and so totally as if I'd lost my freakin' mind. Of course, the idiot who originally spit at me replied, after I spit at her, "I can spit further than you, ha!" Oh now who's lost their mind?? We were grown-ass women!!

Spitting is GROSS! Especially the MAN kind because they suck it up from the deepest recesses of their...oh nevermind...sorry. I lost it for a moment.
You definitely need to relax this weekend and forget that fucktard of an ex! Have a glass of wine, or bottle. And come to my blog because I have something for you there :)

The Only Girl said...
April 23, 2010 at 11:40 PM

I agree - Canada Post sucks. And clearly so does your ex. Hope your weekend gets better.

Anonymous said...
April 24, 2010 at 10:16 AM

Awesome rant!! I needed to read that this morning.

Aunt Juicebox said...
April 24, 2010 at 2:26 PM

I like Ian's style up there. Sounds just like me. And so do you, for that matter. And hellz yeah, monkey ball sucking Ex would be picking his ass up. Monty can either figure out a way to let you know ahead of time when he needs picked up, or his ass can sit and wait for it to be convenient for you to come get him. My daughter sometimes gets out of her evening classes early, but it takes me 20 minutes to get there, so sometimes she's waiting in the student lounge. C'est la fucking vie.

What I love is when my daughter's dad thinks because she has stuff to do on Friday night that she needs to somehow find her own way out to his house, an hour away. He doesn't have the balls to ask me if I'll drive her, he just gives her shit for it.

Danielle said...
April 24, 2010 at 2:43 PM

I am glad you got that off your chest and made all of us laugh in the process. See, blogging is better than a therapist

Respectfully Yours said...
April 24, 2010 at 3:01 PM

Well done, well done. One of the best rants I have read in a long time. You go, get all that shit off your chest.

Have a good weekend.

Kmama said...
April 24, 2010 at 10:52 PM

Do you feel better after getting that out? I sure hope so. I think I saw steam coming off the page as I read it.

I'm sorry you got tone. I hate that too!

Quixotic said...
April 25, 2010 at 8:25 AM

lol - what's important is that you're not letting them get away with it!!!

Illegitimi non carborundum...
(Don't let the bastards grind you down!)

Anonymous said...
April 25, 2010 at 11:10 AM

Gahhhhhhhhh! You tell him!

I would gauge my eyes out if I had to talk to my ex...I truly would rather do so!

Linda Medrano said...
April 25, 2010 at 3:08 PM

Oh Baby, you tell 'em! Nobody tells 'em like my girl! LOL! I adore you! You Rock! You fucking rock! And knock my off my chair laughing while you are doing so! That's my girl!

Terry said...
April 25, 2010 at 8:19 PM

I am so glad you felt better after posting this. How was your weekend??

Queen of Feisty said...
April 25, 2010 at 10:35 PM

Wow. It's been too long since I commented, and I miss your hostility. Oh the tone, I GIVE the tone around here. And a sweet little time out goes to one said almost 4 year old who attempts to do it back.

Spitting is just beyond gross. I don't even like when people spit all gross and obvious into a garbage can, but the sidewalk. Gag!

I will soon be giving the under developed Village we live in WAY to much money in taxes, I can't wait to get my bill May 1st, you want to talk about arms, legs, eyeballs, butt cheeks...


Taylorvillegirl said...
April 26, 2010 at 4:07 PM

So, I'm a few days behind in reading this...hope your weekend was good once you vented.
I love anyone who gives good rage! Thanks for making me laugh on this dreary, dreary work day.

gayle said...
April 27, 2010 at 11:22 PM

I hate is just so trashy!! That and them scratching their dicks!!

Aunt Becky said...
April 30, 2010 at 8:34 PM

SO been there. Every time, I want to scream when he does it. Or smash my own phone, which does no good, obviously.