Merry Fraken Christmas

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Let the drama begin. Goddamit.

While I was preparing dinner this evening Nora informed me that SWSNBN said that they will be going to her mother's house for dinner at noon on Christmas day and would then bring the kids into me afterward around 3:00pm.

This will be the third year in a row we've done this dance. The two-step where SWSNBN thinks it is her right to take my children to her mother's on Christmas day and return them to me at her convenience. The third year in a row I have spent the entire month of December vascillating between extreme anger and a desire to just let the fucking holidays be over with so I don't have to do this battle. Why can't she just catch a raging case of gonorrhea that puts her in the hospital over the holidays? I will so burn in hell for typing those words, I get that and am completely willing to accept eternity in the fiery bowels of damnation.

When Ex and I split we agreed that whoever had the children during the week of xmas would have them on xmas morning. This worked in my favor and the kids spent the first five years with me on Christmas morning. I brought them out to Ex at noon on Xmas day because I knew that he (and his parents) wanted to be with them as much as I did. They spent the rest of xmas day with him and Boxing day, returning to me on the evening of Boxing day. Three years ago was the first year they were with him on xmas morning. Everything went fine (besides the fact that I drank myself into fucking complete oblivian on Christmas eve because I couldn't stand the fact that I was completely alone and my kids weren't with me) and they came in to be with me at noon.

Last year, SWSNBN decided that they were going to do dinner at her parents home. She informed me at the end of November that they would not be bringing the kids in to me until after dinner on the evening of Christmas day. You can all imagine how well that went over with me. I spent the entire month of December arguing with Ex (ok I argued and he just responded with uh huh at regular intervals). I finally broke and agreed to let them keep the kids until 3:00pm on Christmas day. Yes, I broke. It was not a proud moment for me.

I have several issues here:

1. Who the fuck does she think she is? I mean how does this equate to being ok in her mind?
2.  Her mother is of no relation to my kids. So how is it ok for me to miss most of Christmas day with MY children so that her mother can spend time with them? How is it ok for their paternal grandparents to have no time whatsoever with their only grandchildren on Christmas day, so that they can spend the day with her hillbilly mother. What is that?
3.  Why does she tell Nora this shit?

I'm a good mother. I am a goddamn excellent mother. I could see her reasoning if I was some drug addicted crack whore (no offense to all you drug addicted whores out there) who neglected her children.  My children are my life. While I blog about what assholes they can be, curse and swear about the chaos that is our lives, wish some days I could trade them in for a new pair of shoes, they are my life. They are the only people in this world that I would give my own life for, without doubt or hesitation. I have sacrificed so many aspects of my personal and professional life for these little anklebiters because that's what parents do. As parents, we sacrifice our own lives for our children. Christmas is one of the small rewards involved with parenting and I'm expected to sacrifice that reward so this bitch can have dinner with her mother?

I know you're asking why I don't just discuss this with Ex and resolve it amongst ourselves. Ex is pussy whipped. He's so pussy whipped he doesn't know where his own mind ends and hers begins (or should I say where his penis ends). What she says goes and he refuses to stand up to her. I've told him time and time again - while I appreciate the fact that she is a part of his life, and in turn our childrens lives, I do not appreciate being dictated to by his girlfriend. None of it registers with him. There is no doubt that she would make his life a complete and utter living hell were he to stand up to her on this, but I frankly don't give a damn. Keep in mind his own parents do not get to have dinner with their grandkids on Xmas day because of her, and he allows it.

So what do I do?

Try to make Ex see things from my point of view (again, again, again, goddammit again) and ask him to tell her she doesn't call the shots? I know it won't work, but am willing to try.

Send her an email and basically say what I've said above. It will make her furious. It will cause untold difficulties for months and months to come. She will not forget that I played the mom card and if at any point in the forseable future I need to switch times with Ex because of work, or I need him to take the kids to an appointment, she will ensure that there is no flexibility. I'm willing to take that chance. She will make no hesitation about voicing her displeasure in front of the kids.

Let it go. Let her do what she wants. Typing that makes my stomach hurt and brings tears to my eyes. It's not an option.

Buy a big fucking bag of quick lime and kill the bitch, bury her in the backyard and tell everyone she ran away.

Seriously though, what do I do? I honestly do not know. I do not want to do this dance again. Please tell me if I'm not seeing this clearly. Please tell me if you have some ingenious idea as to how to handle this. I would love to hear from all you step-moms out there. I really would.

I want to be with my babies on Christmas day. That's all I want.

She had better watch her damn self, I am so going to sick my mice on her.


Anonymous said...
November 30, 2009 at 10:46 PM

First off, I need clarification. Why, three years in a row, do they get to spend xmas day w/ your Ex ? Because you had them for five years in a row?

So I don't really know what sort of person you are (but I definitely love you) but why can't you just tell the bitch how it's gonna be, instead of her telling you? You don't have to say all of the above, all you have to say is that you already made plans this year to have your kids on Christmas day - make something up who the fuck cares - and that you're sorry if those plans inconvenience hers but thats the way it's going to be.

I know easier said than done. But everything is. I would be heartbroken if I didn't have Xmas morning with my girl, even if she has already driven me up the wall by 10 am.

kys said...
November 30, 2009 at 10:52 PM

I don't understand why her parents need to spend time at Christmas with your children, either. If you talk to her about it, would she be rational?

adrienzgirl said...
December 1, 2009 at 12:46 AM

I know this bitch. She is married to my ex.

Here is the deal. Your children are only little once. You can't get that time back. EVER. It's gone in the blink of an eye.

If it is worth bitching about, it's worth fighting for. Period. SHE IS NOT THEIR MOTHER. FUCK her and the goddamned horse she rode in on.

No wonder you divorced the bastard. He is a ball-less bastard for not standing up for what is right with your children. They should be with you, or your family or his family.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that step parents and step grands are important. Hell, we have his, hers and ours. I get it all. My parents love seeing my step son too.

But at the end of the day, no one matters except you(the mom) and him(the dad) and your babies!

Jennifer said...
December 1, 2009 at 12:54 AM

Ok, I am a Stepmom and you asked for some input from a stepmom. I am also a Biomom as well. If it were me (as SM or BM) I would suggest that one parent has them Christmas Eve while the other has Christmas Day.
OR the parent who has them the week of Christmas just keeps them (I don't know if you or your ex always has them the same weeks or not)

OR.... just tell her too damn bad and that you already have plans for them (doesn't matter what it is and frankly you do not have to tell her what it is) and they have to be home when you planned for themt o be home. PERIOD. You tell them that you are perfectly willing to work on every other time they need/want to and you do not want to be difficult (GAG) but you really already have plans for them. Sorry. Tough tittie.

We do not trade kids on holidays. We do not care to see the Exs on a holiday so we do not do it.

Danielle said...
December 1, 2009 at 12:11 PM

What about having the ex's parents say something? Are you still close to them?
What about your lawyer?
Otherwise, the quick lime is a great idea.

Aunt Juicebox said...
December 1, 2009 at 12:27 PM

Definitely put the bitch in her place. You pull that mom card all you fucking want to. It's not right for her to put HER parents over those children's OWN MOTHER. Fuck her. Seriously. And if she gives you a hard way to go, well, just let her know you can fight back just as hard. I think maybe in the future, you should just agree to alternate years. Whoever gets them this year, doesn't get them next year, for all holidays. But you could alternate those too, so one person doesn't get them for every holiday in a given year. The current system obviously isn't working for you, because of bitch face. Just do it, you have us to support you, and believe me, we definitely do. In my opinion, they are lucky you are as nice as you are about the whole thing. I'm sure you could have gotten some kind of child support, and more time than you do. You have their best interest at heart, it's wrong for you to give up what you do, and have bitch face try to take away your Christmas time. That's definitely not in their best interest. At all.

I have my daughter every single Christmas. And usually I have her for all the other holidays as well. Unless we go out of town for Spring Break, I let her dad have Easter. Yeah, I'm nice like that. This year, I let him have her on Halloween and Thanksgiving, but he's still not getting Xmas. I always let her go over on Xmas day, and every year, he screws it up. He has to work, or he didn't buy her presents yet, or he doesn't show up til 9 pm. No way am I giving him the chance to ruin her Xmas morning. Ever.

dadshouse said...
December 1, 2009 at 8:26 PM

Holiday custody truly sucks. I've never met anyone with a plan that sounded like it worked. When I get the kids on a holiday, I generally leave town with them simply to avoid messes of splitting time. It seems if they are supposed to be back at my house at 3, they show up at 5 or 7, all sugared up, not hungry, bouncing off the walls, etc. Easier for me to skip town with them. I feel your pain.

Laura said...
December 12, 2009 at 9:46 AM

Even though my ex does not have a woman in his life, I have my ex in-laws to contend with. I also know that if he did have an woman in his life he would be the same as yours. He already is, except it is his step Mother, his sisters & his natural Mother that seem to dictate my kids holiday. At the same time I am in a step Mother role.

Our divorce agreement states on odd years the kids will be at my house by noon on Christmas Day giving him Christmas Eve. On even years I am to have them on Christmas Eve & have them to him on Christmas Day. It is actually the same way for the Step kids' holiday schedule.

I'll be honest it can work. It works just fine for the step kids. For Jeff & his Ex's they do really well with it. No fighting or bickering, they both have families who have no problem changing their holiday dinners etc around that schedule.

HOWEVER, for my ex & his family. It's awful. Really I wanted to just cry when I read this post simply because I understand completely what you are feeling. He has a very big family and the kids have tons of cousins & fun Aunts & Uncles. Me - well it's just me. My ex's step Mother always, ALWAYS has her big dinner & gift giving on Christmas Eve night. ALWAYS. She refuses to change. So since I've been divorced I have given up every Christmas Eve for his family. Sure I could put my foot down, but they are teenagers (except for one) and if they tell me they are upset because they are missing the yearly BIG family event...well I have to do what is right for them as much as it pains me. So early on I decided he could do Christmas eve, but I began to tell him that I would come pick the kids up at 11pm that night. I NEEDED to do a Christmas morning with them once and a while. This works okay, until he at the last minute decides he will go see his natural Mother who lives 4 hours away, well then of course I'm the big heel if I don't let the kids go see her. (yes even when it is their actual family there are still issues)

As they got older (now late teens) they seem to do better with realizing that Mom wanted to make special moments with them as much as Dad's family did.

Yikes, I really rambled there sorry.

Laura said...
December 12, 2009 at 9:46 AM

My point is I completely understand your feelings. I've cried in my wine glass many Christmas eve's. I have two pieces of advice. One, talk to the kids. While no I don't think you should put the weight on them, you have to. You mentioned you have some teens. This makes them old enough to have a voice. Talk about the traditions you want to have with them, why it is important, etc. They may tell you they dont' want to go to her dinner, they may tell you they do. Unfortunately if they do want to go to the dinner you probably should let them (if they are anywhere from 14 on up).
The other thing to do, which I have done myself is simply call her directly. Tell her you have made plans that can not be moved around. Tell her that they have had ample time to have Christmas moments with them & that while you are sorry that the kids will be missing their dinner, it is important that the kids be there for your Christmas moments. Put it back on her. Do the phrasing "I'm sure you would agree, wouldn't you?" or "I know how much you care for my kids & I'm sure you don't want them to miss the Christams things I have planned" or "I know this doesn't fit well into your schedule this year, but I'm sure you understand how important this is and maybe next year we can work it out where they go to your dinner"

Unfortunately with this type of woman in your ex's life you have to be smarter and a little more manipulative. Just always think of how or what you would say to a customer who you are trying to get to buy this item instead of that one.

Maybe since this woman is in your ex's life you should think about working out a new holiday schedule since the old one isn't working. If he is such a push over & this dinner means so much to her maybe next year you can pick up the kids the morning of Christmas eve and then they can go with him on noon & they'll be able to do her parents dinner thing.

One thing I have learned is that my kids have taught me that traditions can be made even if the days change.

Want to come drink with me this Christmas eve?

gayle said...
December 12, 2009 at 3:17 PM

I have not read the above comments but will...First of all I think that you should just tell her and your kids that you will be picking them up at 12pm.Period!! End of discussion. This so makes me sick because I could go on and on about this....I had a step mother (for a while and then they got divorced)...we had many problems. My daughter's husband has a step mother and now I have problems with that. It seems that I always have to be last because no one wants to piss anyone else off (step mother, her husbands mother). So I am trying to just go along with it once again. My daughter is trying to keep piece. But!!! You are those kids moms(not sure how many or what they are...sorry..I just started reading your blog sounds so interesting that hopefully after Christmas I can read more) Any way!! Stand up for yourself.....who cares if she get pissed....ask her WHY she wants to do this...her parents don't care anyway.. Get your kids!!!on Christmas Day at 12pm or EARLIER!!!

kelly said...
December 14, 2009 at 9:47 PM

First time here, love your blog! im a stepmom and biomom so I understand both sides. But here's the deal: She is a GIRLFRIEND, not even his wife! She could be here one day and gone the next out of your children's lives. And here you are being denied XMAS day WITH YOUR OWN CHILDREN, so they can have dinner with HER parents? No way in hell would that fly with me. Piss her off. who cares? She'll get over it but you and your kids can never get this time back.