5:00am Drag my fat ass out of bed, stub toe on corner of the bed, curse, make my way to the coffee maker, spill old coffee grinds onto the floor while trying to dump them in the compost, curse, get coffee brewing, curse
5:04am Drink a
5:25am Hop into the shower to wash aforementioned fat ass
5:35am Stand in front of the mirror examining the wrinkles and gray hair that seemed to have multiplied overnight, try to cover said wrinkles with makeup and gray hair with blowdryer and hairspray, curse because it doesn't really work
6:00am Wake up the
6:02am Throw bread on the table for breakfast
6:04am Shout from the kitchen, "If you're not out of bed in 30 seconds I'm coming in with the ice water". I'm very warm and loving. Curse
6:15am The next 20 minutes involve Nora screaming because her blue sweater is in the washer, andohmygodmyworldiscomingtoanendandyouaretheworstmotherintheentireworld, the boys stand posed to duck when her head explodes
6:45am Everyone dressed, fed and into the car
6:55am Stop for gas because fuckity fuck the tank is empty.
7:15am Drop kids off at their dad's, Nora's other personality has taken over and she kisses me goodbye
7:40am Arrive at work and drive around the block for 10 minutes looking for a parking spot, curse
work, work, work, curse, work, work
5:00pm Leave work
5:05pm Star. bucks stop for white chocolate mocha..........awww sweet mother of god they are so good
5:15pm Arrive home. Silence. Sit missing children.
5:17pm Pour wine
5:18pm - 10:00pm Drink wine, chat on phone, paint nails, read a book, read three years of blog archives on various blogs, drink wine, write a blog post, feed the neighbour's St. Bernard, iron favorite white shirt for the morning, crawl into bed with a new book.
6:50am Drag my fat ass out of bed, stub toe on corner of the bed, curse, make my way to the coffee maker, spill old coffee grinds onto the floor while trying to dump them in the compost, curse, get coffee brewing, curse
6:54am Drink a
7:11am Hop into the shower to wash aforementioned fat ass
7:21am Make-up, hair, get dressed
7:41am arrive at work blah blah blah blah
5:00pm Leave work to pick up kids
5:25pm Arrive at Ex's, toot horn, drum fingers impatiently on steering wheel
5:27pm Drive home with kids. I like this drive, I get stories from the previous week. This evening's drive involved me explaining to the kids why I did not want them receiving the H1N1 vaccine (oh you damn well knew it wasn't finished with) She who shall not be named is PISSED off at me.
Also heard on the drive home:
Jimmy: Hey Mom I have a joke - but it has the "F" word in it - it's not nearly as funny without the "F" word - can I tell it to you please?
Disclaimer - Monty and Jimmy will both use the word shit under their breath. I have no doubt they drop the f bomb all the time, they do not do it in my prescence, they know better. Yes I'm a fucking hypocrite. I digress....
Me: Sure Jimmy, curse you're face off.
Jimmy: Ok, so the big bad wolf and the three little pigs meet up one fine afternoon and the big bad wolf says to the three little pigs - "Look out little piggies, I'm going to huff and puff and blow your house down". To which the three little pigs reply: "Yeah well fuck that, we're going to sneeze on you"
I almost went off the road I laughed so hard. Obviously, the ole swine flu is garnering a bit of attention at the high school these days.
5:58pm Arrive home
At 8:00 I sit my fat ass down. Nora is sitting in my place on the couch and I ask her nicely to move. She does so while laughing "You're going to be sitting in the wet spot Mom" No you bunch of sick perverts, not that wet spot, the wet spot caused by her freshly washed hair resting on the back of the couch.
It takes me a day or two to get back into the swing of things when the kids return. Is it any wonder I use the handle Dual Mom? Happy Monday everyone.