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Notes to my Neighbours:

Dear Beethoven,

I have a present for you. Please stop by at your convenience to pick it up. I love your St. Bernard, really I do. His shit all over my front lawn, not so much. You can have it back. You get that a St. Bernard shits like a small horse, right?

Dear Dipshit Neighbour ,

Please advise your child that it is not ok to drive through my flower bed. Obviously this message has not been conveyed when I chased him with a rake.  I have replanted my bulbs twice this fall because of your fucking juvenile deliquent. I will flatten your fucking tires in the middle of the night if I have to plant them again. Don't think I won't. Oh yeah, and it's a total asshat move to allow your son to drive that deathtrap without a helmet on.

Dear Neighbourhood Dog Owners,

Put your fucking animals on a leash. It is NOT ok for my daughter to be accosted by your various mutts each and everytime she plays outside. I'm sure your doberman is the most gentle creature in the world, but when he runs full steam right at my daughter with his teeth bared...she shits her pants with fear. See letter to Mom that lets her child drive an all terrain vehicle with no helmet. I'm serious about the whole flattening of the tires thing. Do not push me motherfuckas.

Dear Nosy Neighbour,

I was not aware we had a neighborhood watch program. Apparently we do because how else would you know (and be able to tell Favorite Neighbour) I sometimes get home really late? I'm not sure why it's any of your damn business when I get home as I have not had to account for my whereabouts to ANYONE in a very long time. Do you sit in your window ALL night? Perhaps to give you something to actually gossip about I'll start driving up and down the road at 2am with no clothes on. Get a life....

Dear Favorite Neighbour,
Thank you for hauling my car out of the snow twice last year. I really am a good driver contrary to evidence indicating otherwise. Please tell me that moving van parked in your driveway last week was just there to help you out with a fall clean up? You wouldn't move, would you? You know winters coming soon, right? I have cookies....

7 comments:

Aunt Juicebox said...
November 17, 2009 at 9:38 PM

Oh man, do I ever hate MY neighbors. I feel your pain. And you are welcome to use the button, I'm going to blog about it tomorrow.

Dual Mom said...
November 17, 2009 at 9:55 PM

Oh I've read about you're neighbors...you have me beat hands down in the bad neighbor dept! Have they died yet?

I will so rot in hell for saying that...

ArtSnark said...
November 17, 2009 at 10:29 PM

Sounds like you'd fit right into my neighborhood - good luck with that

adrienzgirl said...
November 18, 2009 at 1:39 AM

Nosy Neighbors BLOW(not in a good, i enjoy that kinda way)! :P

Vinomom said...
November 19, 2009 at 12:27 AM

WTF is your neighor's kid driving? A scooter? A car? God I hate those motorized scooter things. If thats what he's driving you SHOULD deflate the tires. Or maybe bury it in dirt and plant flowers there to take the place of the ones he's destroyed.

That would be So. Awesome.

Jennifer said...
November 19, 2009 at 1:24 PM

ROFLMAO!!! I am dying here!! I have some weird neighbors too, one that asks me for money EVERY three to four days. Grrrrr.... But most of the ones I know are ok. Thank GOD!

Lola said...
November 19, 2009 at 5:20 PM

My annoying neighbors are my brother's kids. Two of them just knocked on my door three times in a half hour to see if my son was here, even after I told them I'd send him up when he gets home. Annoying little fuckers ;)