Friday's Tights

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Ahhh Friday, how I love thee. Even after working only two days this week my love for you thee does not diminish. I would make sweet love to you Friday, if it were possible. Instead, I'll raise my delicious glass of merlot in your honor.

Wearing tights that are too small is a really bad idea. I like to buy tights at Win.ners. They always have a great selection and brands you can't find at other stores. Does anyone else intentionally buy tights a size too small? Of course the rational for this is that if they're just a wee bit tight, the fat on the back of my thighs will not jiggle quite like the lard ass that I am, the fat on my stomach caused by three pregnancies won't be quite as noticeable, and if they're just a little bit tight, my calves will look the same way they did when I was running 5k a day. So I pick up a pair of tights and flip them over to the sizing chart on the back. Size C fits someone that weighs 130-150 and is 5'4" to 5'7". Even though I fall within the proper height category (5'6"), I know damn well I do not weigh 150 unless I go for three days without eating and weigh myself immediately after having the biggest shit in my entire life, and I have to be naked and have shaved every hair on my body. Even then...even then I'm still over in the weight category. I'm delusional and buy them anyway. Then I wear them, but I wear them on a day when I have a 7am meeting, which means I'm dressed by 6:00 in the morning. I wear them knowing I'm going out for drinks with the girls after work and won't be home before 8pm. So yeah, I wear these tights, knowing they're too small, and knowing I'm going to have them on my ass for over 12 hours. Oh yeah, I also wear them with the highest pair of heels I own, because I'm all about the shoes.

Taking them off feels better than having really good sex while eating chocolate. It's almost orgasmic to get those damn things off my body. Fuck, the girls thought I was laughing at their wit and charm over dinner, but really I was laughing to keep from crying because the damn tights were cutting the shit out of my waist. I felt as though I was being sawed in half. Please don't ask if I threw them out, because I didn't...that would be wasteful. Shut up.

Drinks with the girls was a riot, as always. I love my posse of girls. One of the girls was telling us about going to the drug store looking for menthol crystals. She's been suffering from serious sinus trouble and someone advised her to get menthol crystals, which are sold at the drugstore, and put the crystals in boiling water, throw a towel over her head, and breathe in the steam from the water. It apparently works wonders. So this chick strolls into the drugstore and walks up to the counter, thinkin she's all that because she's discovered this wonderous remedy for her sinus troubles and asks the pharmacist, "Hi there, I'd like a bag of your crystal meth"......

She asked for crystal meth twice before she realized what she was saying.

Amanda dubbed me "confession all star" this week, I feel as though I've won the Nobel Peace prize. Thanks Amanda!
Happy Friday!

3 comments:

Aunt Juicebox said...
November 14, 2009 at 7:52 PM

I don't wear tights or high heels. Even if I worked in a business environment, I'd be the pants suit kinda chick. I hate panty hose that much. And I'd much rather be barefoot than wear shoes at all. I'm too tall for heels!

Sex while eating chocolate! I can't believe I've never thought of that!

Lola said...
November 16, 2009 at 6:23 PM

Oh, how I hate tights and nylons with a passion!! Sure, I wear them sometimes, because I've got some great suits and dresses, but it's torture I tell you. I could never wear them every day.

Glad you had a fun time with your friends!

Kaylen said...
November 17, 2009 at 8:59 PM

omg, this was hilarious!!!
I'll be back so I can read more colorful posts that go like this: I know damn well I do not weigh 150 unless I go for three days without eating and weigh myself immediately after having the biggest shit in my entire life, and I have to be naked and have shaved every hair on my body.

ha! funny stuff!!