Liar Liar Pants on Fire

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I have been cruising around blog world and reading a few blogs from about to be first time mommies. Now I'm about to rant.

Lactaction consultants are liars. Each and everyone of them should be selling used cars; they lie that well. They tell the about to be new mommy all about the wonders of breastfeeding, how it doesn't hurt, how you will be filled with a feeling of amazement the likes of which you have never (nor will ever) experience again in your lifetime, how you will love your child so much more because you are the sole person responsible for sustaining their life.

Fucking liars.

I hope a lactation consultant actually reads this post because I would love to hear their side of the story. I would love to hear the justification for how they can lie so blatantly to these poor innocent, naive women.

Fear not poor, innocent, naive women...Dual Mom is here to tell you the truth!!

A little history, because there is nothing more annoying than someone on a soapbox talking about shit they know shit about. I have three kids, three kids birthed au natural, no drugs, not even a damn tylenol. I know pain. My third child was induced, my sister was with Ex and I during her birth. She said the first contraction hit, the monitor spiked and stayed that way. It spiked and did not fucking stop spiking. I had one long two hour contraction until the little darling was born. All I remember is biting my lips  - with tears running down both sides of my face. It hurt that badly that I knew if I opened my mouth to speak I would scream, and I would not stop screaming. I cut my lip so severely with my teeth that it cracked and bled for days afterward everytime I spoke. I know pain.

I would rather have 12 induced births than go through the first three weeks of breastfeeding. I shit you not. You might say - well Dual Mom you're obviously an idiot and weren't nursing correctly. My first child, who I had at the tender age of 18, was born with a hair lip. The lactation consultants (after trying to convince me there was no way in hell I would successfully be able to nurse him being that he had almost no top lip) were amazed at how well he nursed. He was a trooper. Three days later the pain started. Each time he latched on I would curl my toes and bite down on a pillow to keep from screaming. It was a pain that radiated from the very core of my body, not just the boob. The pain of my hoo hoo being ripped from tip to tip was nothing compared to the pain of breastfeeding. I persevered, even though I wanted to throw my beautiful little boy across the room everytime he needed to be fed. I persevered. After about 3 weeks, it did get better, it became something bearable, and eventually something that I cherished.

Child number two - refused to nurse off the right side. Again, I shit you not. The lactation consultants were dumbfounded. They had never seen anything like it. So while trying to supply my darling son with enough nourishment while only nursing from one side, the neglected boob became engorged, mastitis set in and it was all over but the crying. Me ... I was the one crying. Darling little Jimmy could not have cared less.

Child number three - my long awaited for little girl. I was older, wiser - breastfeeding would be a breeze. It was, after the first three weeks, after the blistered ,cracked nipples healed. Blistered nipples, yeah that's fun. They don't tell you about that in the breastfeeding classes, do they? Do you know how badly cracked nipples feel with a hungry little mouth attached to them every three hours?

I consulted 4 lactaction consultants with my first baby, 7 with the second and none with the third. They all told me I was doing everything properly, the babies were latched on properly. There was no reason why my nipples felt like they were being drug through the fires of hell each time I nursed. No reason at all. I nursed baby 1 & 3 until they were six months. Baby 2 got the shaft and I gave up after a month.

This is not a PSA against breastfeeding. I am all for the benefits of breastfeeding. It's cheap, easy (eventually) and nothing will get you into your favorite pair of jeans faster. Also, my favorite time of day was at 3:00am, when it was just me and my baby, and they look at you while nursing as though you hung the moon and stars...just for them. What I am against, is the misleading information given to new moms. I am against programming new moms to believe it is somehow their fault if nursing doesn't turn out to be the fairy tale romance the experts make it out to be. For all that is holy do they (new moms) not have enough pressure without "the experts" telling them they're doing something wrong, when in all actuality, nursing just fucking hurts.

So when you hear lactation consultants wax poetic about the beauty of nursing, call them on it. Tell them Dual Mom told you they are big fat fucking liars.

I have to ask all you moms out there, did it hurt you to breastfeed?


adrienzgirl said...
November 23, 2009 at 11:17 PM

Um...I tried nursing the first one. My nipples cracked, bled, and never did I produce milk. After two weeks the pediatrician informed me that my darling little piranha was starving because my milk didn't come in.

Babies two and three, we just skipped right past the pain and straight to a bottle, thank you very much!

Aunt Juicebox said...
November 24, 2009 at 12:27 PM

I had zero problems with breastfeeding. I did have some bad cramping while my uterus was pulling back into shape the first week or two, but no issues with the actual boobage. I wasn't able to use a pump, which made me feel like a failure, but I didn't work so it wasn't critical. But it never hurt, just tingled during let down.

TONI B. said...
November 24, 2009 at 1:45 PM

I don't have any bio kids but just reading this post made my boobs hurt! EWWWWW

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...
November 24, 2009 at 4:13 PM

My friends mother is a boob milk lady. Friend also breast fed until she was 4 and had to be bribed with a trip to disney to stop.


Vinomom said...
November 24, 2009 at 11:42 PM

So I was 19 when I had Lady H and I did breastfeed for a little while. Only exclusively for about three weeks. The first time I unsuccessfully tried nursing in public I was done with that. I nursed at home and alternated bottle feeding for three months. After three months she didn't even want the bottle anymore.

But I think you are so right. It wasn't some incredible enlightening experience. The whole latching on stuff was hard at first.

My completely personal opinion is everyone should at least try breastfeeding. Skipping right over it seems like you are shorting yourself of an experience.

But I've heard horror stories about some of these lactation consultants really laying a guilt trip on some mothers.

Your kid will NOT die from Formula! It's pretty much a guaranteed fact.

Love the post!

Jennifer said...
November 25, 2009 at 2:05 AM

My first was a breeze, no problems at all. Well, except the sore clogged milk duct I got. OUCHY!

the 2nd one was a nightmare and I had the same pillow over my mouth pain that made me come right outta my skin. Finally it ended well when he was 13 months old.

My little girl.... hard as hell. She couldn't latch on, she was so tiny and my boobs so big. she also gagged on my milk it came out so fast. I almost gave up after 3 days. But I didnt and still nursing, she is almost 7 months old.

It does hhurt, they are liars.

Marsha said...
November 25, 2009 at 10:40 AM

Why yes, breastfeeding did hurt. It's also a lot of frustration.

JennyMac said...
November 25, 2009 at 11:54 AM

Breastfeeding was not a negative experience for me until I got mastitis and was told I HAD TO continue. Ummm, I dont think so. I did it for 8 weeks and one of the lactation consultants I was working with gave me a hard time. Some of them were nice but it takes all kinds...

Conquer The Monkey said...
November 25, 2009 at 2:45 PM

yikes, so scary everybody is different, but so refreshing for you to put the truth out!

posted your tips on travel advice, check it out!

Kaylen said...
November 25, 2009 at 9:27 PM

ohdeargod-great topic!!
I also was 18 when I had my baby (woohoo, teen moms unite!) and my doctor and his nurse and the hospital specialist and the entire clinic insisted that I just needed to push through the first week or two of pain and then we would "get the hang of it." By week three, I would cry when I would hear my new blessed baby begin to wake up and try VERY hard to make him sleep and sleep and sleep for the first three weeks.
Bleeding, cracking nipples - I thought it was some kind of twilight zone episode because NOBODY told me about this being a possibiity!
It's good we warn others.
I agree that you should try---but I don't agree that you should have to continue when it's very clearly not working and you very clearly tried.

prashant said...
November 26, 2009 at 2:12 AM

I did have some bad cramping while my uterus was pulling back into shape the first week or two, but no issues with the actual boobage.

Work from home India

Lola said...
November 26, 2009 at 2:34 AM

I just remember the stupid nurse grabbing my tit in the hospital and commanding me to feed my newborn baby. Uh, yeah, as if it's that easy.

There was no pain for me with breastfeeding beyond the screaming colicky baby I had to deal with for four straight months.

Was it a coincindence that he stopped screaming for eight hours a day at four months when I gave up the breastfeeding? Who knows.

From day one, he gained all the expected weight, but he screamed to the point of me wanting to run away.

Molly said...
November 28, 2009 at 11:43 AM

Here's the truth, and you didn't hear it from me:

Lactation consultants= more moms breastfeeding= higher stats for the hospital= good PR= more money.

kys said...
November 30, 2009 at 9:20 PM

I didn't breastfeed either one of my kids. I have a friend who tried to breastfeed and her milk never came in. The lactation consultants (she talked to more than 1) told her to keep trying, yada, yada. Meanwhile, the baby was miserable and screaming night and day. Because she was starving. Everyone was miserable.

Laura said...
December 12, 2009 at 9:54 AM

Completely agree with you on this one. Nursing can be a great thing & all Mothers should at least try it. HOWEVER, yes they gloss over the painful parts & the hard parts & YES they do make you feel like a failure if you don't completely enjoy the experience from the first moment they latch on.