It's Tuesday And You Know What That Means

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Think Tank Momma

Tuesday is my new favorite day of the week. It's the day we are given free license to be snarky, sassy and just a tad bit attitudinal by the one and only Zgirl over at the Think Tank. If you'd like to join in the fun, stop by, link up and have at it.

Let us proceed.

Dear Boyfriend,

Where do I begin?  Thank you for the having the mentality of a teenaged boy. Really. The fact is I already have two teenage boys and I do not need a third. You see nothing wrong with them blowing farts out their ass while walking across the living room floor, sitting at the dinner table, or sitting beside their mother. That's just truly awesome. Thanks for your encouragement of this behavior by issuing farting contests. That's the way I like to roll, a grown man (who I will never have sex with again if you don't wisen the fuck up) and my two teenagers filling my house with enough gaseous substance to set the place ablaze were someone to light a match. It doesn't make me question my taste in all. You get that you're almost 42 years old, right? When can I expect you to grow up?

I'd also like to thank you for folding the couch throw before you left last weekend. It was truly thoughtful. The email you sent me asking if I'd noticed that you folded the couch throw, yeah that probably wasn't necessary. I know you truly believe that you should be voted humanitarian of the year because you folded the couch throw, but it's probably not going to happen. They do not give out awards for performing simple tasks that women perform 6,548, 456 times a week....just because you're a man and had the wherewithal to notice the throw needed folding.

All your fucktardedness aside, you did kind of sort of just a little bit redeem yourself by sending me this:

What's the chances you'd be willing to work on a physique like that? hmmmm?

Love you but would so cheat on you in a heartbeat with RDJ

Dear Unfollowers:

I'm a fairly confident person. Yes, I hate my ass, and my cheeks are too bulgy and I question my own sanity alot of the time, but I'm relatively confident. I would like to thank the THREE of you for taking that confidence and dashing it beneath your well shod foot leaving me a quivering mound of  stuttering shamefulness. Thank you.

So why? Why did you leave me? Was it the cursing? If so, well, I'm afraid you're just going to have to fuck off because it's not like I've ever pretended to be a puritan with a regular vocabulary. I think my very first post contained more curse words than not. At no point in time have I ever pretended to be anything but what I am; a foul mouthed, over-opinionated, rambling woman with a college education and a vorocious appetite for reading which has expanded my vocabulary exponentially which really isn't something that any woman that likes to talk about herself as much as I do should have. BREATHE

Did I scare you with the new layout? The pink is a bit garish I admit, but I like it. It's not like I was forcing you to change your blog to pink. Would this really make you stop following me?

So thanks unfollowers. I'm off to see my therapist.


adrienzgirl said...
February 23, 2010 at 11:29 AM

Aww....look at you thanking asshats for unfollowing. That's so sweet. If they ran away because of the pink? THEY CAN SUCK IT! :D

GunDiva said...
February 23, 2010 at 11:31 AM

Okay, so I'm not so big into pink, but I do love your new layout and wish I had the cajones to try to play with mine a little bit. I'm waiting until my husband takes his web design class next month for my blogs to get a face lift! That way if they suck, I can blame him :)

F. McButter Pants said...
February 23, 2010 at 11:42 AM

I ADORE RDJ. Thanks for the eye candy!

You don't scare me.

Aunt Juicebox said...
February 23, 2010 at 11:59 AM

Oooo, yummy! Well, my husband is outnumbered here, so he tries to hold it in as much as he can. lol My daughter though, loves to encourage belching contests. They make fun of me because I can't do it spontaneously like they can.

BigSis said...
February 23, 2010 at 12:00 PM

I like the pink and would consider it an honor to be described as a foul mouthed, over-opinionated, rambling woman with a college education and a vorocious appetite for reading which has expanded my vocabulary exponentially.

Those who don't like it can piss off.

That One Mom said...
February 23, 2010 at 12:03 PM

Your bf send you a pic of RDJ? He must love you. The man told me last night that he doesn't like my Future Ex-Husbands. He even went as far to say he may not go to any Twins games that my baseball boyfriend is pitching in... So, so sad.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...
February 23, 2010 at 12:22 PM

Yeah....RDJ....I would trade in Ricky Retardo in a nano second.

Anonymous said...
February 23, 2010 at 12:23 PM

umm. that picture makes me want a slide of THE RDJ as well. jus sayin. Hey, lady You're taken! :-P

Laura said...
February 23, 2010 at 12:29 PM

Ugh I pity you on the farting. My ex was like that, thought it was some type of manly ritual. Thank GOD Sparky is not like that, it's like a big red flag for me.

Piss on the un-followers.

Shandal said...
February 23, 2010 at 1:03 PM

Um ya, so my husband unclogged the toilet for me and he thought I should have bowed down to him or something. It took him about 5 min to unclog it. Then I had to go in there and clean up the mess on the floor, the toilet, and the bathtub b/c that's were he put the thingy. (Not a plunger, some other plumbing tool) So while I'm cleaning that shit up he has the nerve to come in there and say that our daughter went poop hinting that I needed to change it. Needless to say I snapped at him and said "SOOOO, go friggin' change it then!" Which of course causes a huge fight. He was all, "I just unclogged the GD toilet for you!" Then I was all, "So the fuck what! It took you 5 min and it's taken me 15min to clean up the GD mess you left! Not to mention how much poop I deal with everyday as it is! I change at least 2 poopy diapers and I'm constantly wiping OUR son's ass and cleaning out his potty chair!" That shut him up and he said he was sorry. I'm a stubborn ass Taurus, so the fight wasn't over for me yet. I didn't talk to him until the next day. I have to make my point ya know?!

Anonymous said...
February 23, 2010 at 1:13 PM

A professional farter expects to attract a mate? Get real, right!


Erin said...
February 23, 2010 at 1:52 PM

Unfollowers suck. Try not to let it worry you. The ones that stay are the ones that matter.


Daffy said...
February 23, 2010 at 1:54 PM

I don't know why it makes me belly laugh/ugly guffaw when you say FUCK OFF...seriously! Just typing it makes me laugh like a loon. Gawd that feels good. I may just have to randomly say that today and rest assured that each time I do I will laugh like a loon and think of you. Of course fucktard is in my top five words that just rock the free world!

Daffy said...
February 23, 2010 at 1:55 PM

In fact, I'm going to go back re read the 5 times. It will be a great workout!

Sandra said...
February 23, 2010 at 2:21 PM

RDJ - Yummy

Unfollowers - not worth it but cool you left a thank you note for them.
Farts - not in my house either, well at least not on purpose :) or rather not in any type of competition.

Mrsblogalot said...
February 23, 2010 at 2:22 PM

HAAAAAA! Nobody's better than you when your about to visit your therapist!!!!

Heather said...
February 23, 2010 at 3:07 PM

RDJ, mmmmm, now I won't be able to think straight the rest of the day.

The unfollowers realized their complete and total unworthiness to read your blog. Fuck 'em. You always make me laugh

MiMi said...
February 23, 2010 at 3:29 PM

Numbers don't matter, numbers don't matter...that's what I tell myself. Now, what do I always look at when I check the dashboard?? Numbers. Dumb.
I like the pink. So there.

Tracie said...
February 23, 2010 at 3:41 PM

One of my kids is a burper and one is a farter. Hubs plays for both teams. Me? I hide in the bedroom or basement. Anywhere I can get away from their funk.

PS Don't worry about the un-followers. My numbers go up and down all the time too.

Homesick Cajun said...
February 23, 2010 at 5:44 PM

Oh yeah, my son totally did the whole fart thing! Just gross. Lovin' the eye candy!!

Screw the unfollolwers!

The Other Mommy said...
February 23, 2010 at 6:49 PM

Love the new layout, although that nasty "on" is still hanging in there. For some reason I couldn't comment yesterday, it kept telling me I had an error. Random!
I'm sticking around, solely because of all the big words you use ;)

singedwingangel said...
February 23, 2010 at 8:04 PM

Found ya at Think tanks and came by to visit. LOve the bf one unfortunately I married mine and I have 3 sons oh yeah and 2 male dogs and a male cat and I think even the animals get in on the farting contests... Guess what I will take the place of teh unf0llowers lol

MindyMom said...
February 23, 2010 at 9:38 PM

Love the note to the bf! SO true!

And what is up with people unfollowing?

The Only Girl said...
February 23, 2010 at 11:34 PM

Instead of "Dear Boyfriend" I could easily edit your letter to read "Dear Husband". Do I have your permission?

Hey - who did your redesign? I'm having a little sidebar problem that needs solving (see today's post). They did a great job with your site so maybe they could help me.

GunDiva said...
February 23, 2010 at 11:40 PM

I'm so not unfollowing you and to prove it, I've got an award for you over at my place. Stop by on Wednesday to grab it. That'll show those unfollowing bastards. Well, it would if they were still following and could see me thumbing my nose at them...
Well, fuck, you know what I mean.

Anonymous said...
February 24, 2010 at 2:32 AM

I have 4 boys and a husband - someone is always shittin' their pants around here!

Thanks for the eye candy with your hilarious thank you's!

Anonymous said...
February 24, 2010 at 7:59 AM

Unfollowers?? How very dare they?

... and I think our partners would get along just great - mine made a bed once three months ago... I am still grateful.

JennyMac said...
February 24, 2010 at 10:01 AM

I will see that is the best pic I have ever seen of RDJ. WOW.

Danielle said...
February 24, 2010 at 10:30 AM

I really like the new look. It is a bit more upbeat. Now to go and work on mine!

A Mother's Thoughts said...
February 24, 2010 at 12:04 PM

This is the funniest post ever!! I enjoy your sense of quirckiness and humour so much!! Keep your spirit light, it makes the rest of us smile!!


Vinomom said...
February 24, 2010 at 2:05 PM

My BF didn't fart around me for the first three years or something. I finally told him I thought it was kinda weird. BIG MISTAKE. Now he's always letting one fly with a big stupid grin on his face. Lady H is the stinkiest of all of us though!

I love the new layout lady! It's adorable!

Yankee Girl said...
February 24, 2010 at 4:01 PM

Unfollowers can suck it.

The Queen said...
February 24, 2010 at 9:09 PM

Fucktards and Asshats.. this is my new favorite hang out..

Jen said...
February 24, 2010 at 11:18 PM

He folded the throw? Seriously? This man is a keeper for sure. I've never had a man who folded the throw or anything for that matter. How thoughtful that he let you know he folded the throw. As for the farting, well, that kind of man I am used to.

gayle said...
February 24, 2010 at 11:32 PM

What is it with men/boys and farts!!

Love your layout!!

Homesick Cajun said...
February 25, 2010 at 12:11 AM

I'm trying to figure out how to add your blog to the list of blogs that I follow but I don't see a follow button or a rss feed button.

What am I doing wrong?

Menopausal New Mom said...
February 25, 2010 at 3:48 PM

Ha Ha!! I've got a lot of reading to catch up on with this blog of yours!!! We are going to get along just fine!!!

Corrie Howe said...
February 27, 2010 at 7:48 PM

Maybe it had more to do with not being able to keep up with all the blogs? Nothing personal????

Linda Medrano said...
March 1, 2010 at 8:25 PM

Okay, I officially love you now. You are a riot! I adore potty mouthed women, being one my own damned self! This is such fun and I'm really glad I found you!

Lora said...
March 8, 2010 at 4:24 PM

well, now you have a new one.

I used to freak out when I lost a follower, but then I realized that someone who would unfollow me? I'd probably hate their guts in real life and want them as far away from me as possible.

Then I switched to feedburner recently and feedburner tells me that I only have 5 followers and that, my friend, is humbling. So, I've stopped checking. And surprisingly? Life is better.