OH Ye of Little Faith

Someday Monty, I will show this story to you. That day will not be while you are a sullen teenager who will use it against me on a daily basis.



I take a university course every Tuesday and Thursday. I arrive at the university today and reach down onto the floor of the passenger side to grab my purse and I notice two pill capsules on the mat. I pick them up, thinking they’re probably advil tablets that Monty dropped this morning on the way to school. Hmmm, curious looking advil tablets, they are green and white and look suspiciously unlike any OTC medication I have seen. I set them on the seat and proceed to class where I spend the entire hour wondering what the pills are and how they got in my car. It dawns on me …my son is taking drugs. My beautiful, teddy bear, first child is doing drugs. I curse him in my head, I curse the school that I did not want to send him to in my head, I curse his druggie fiendish friends who surely must have peer pressured him into this because my innocent little baby would never do such a thing….in my head.


After leaving class I drive like the insane mother on a mission that I am to the local pharmacy. I march up to the pharmacist and smile insanely pleasantly while holding out my trembling hand, “ Good afternoon, could you tell me what these are?” The lovely pharmacist takes them in her hand and said to me, “They’re anti-depressants …and they’re obviously not yours.” The tears start in my eyes as a million questions role through my mind. Why…why would my innocent baby be taking anti-depressants? Then because I’m so suave and hip to what the young kids are doing these days I ask the lovely pharmacist, “Do kids that don’t need anti-depressants use them for recreational purposes?” She chuckled at my naiveté and replied, “Kids will take anything for recreational purposes these days, anti-depressants when used over a period of time with alcohol produces quite a euphoric state and is extremely dangerous.” Great…so now my son is a druggie and there’s a chance he’s going to accidentally off himself. Banner day….


Walking back to my car I realized that I had taken a girlfriend out to the mall yesterday. There was someone besides myself and the kids in my car recently. I have never in all my life so hoped for a depressed girlfriend. Back at work, where I made a beeline for said friend’s office…


Holding out my shaking hand once more I said, “G, I don’t give a shit if you’re depressed and haven’t told me, but I really really need to know if these pills belong to you.” I could tell by the look on her face they weren’t hers. They weren’t hers….


Back to the office…where I sent the email below to another friend….


Ahahah you're so funny! I'm all about getting things done in the most expedient manner K. - hence the wordy email!!!! (She was giving me a hard time for the succinct email I had sent to her this morning).



Don't talk about my kids K. - I found two pills on the floor of the car today. They don't belong to me....I'm told by the pharmacist at Shoppers that they are prozac. After I picked my tongue up off the floor she asked me where I found them. When I told her she asked me if I had teenagers. Apparently it's the "in" thing nowadays to take anti-depressants. Who knew? G. is at this very moment trying to convince me that driving to the school and pulling Monty out of his class by the scruff of his neck and beating the shit out of him in front of his peers is probably not the best idea I've ever had.


My baby is taking drugs. How does one deal with that? Holy jesus if that kid gets any more mellow then he is naturally he'll be comatose. Apparently kicking the shit out of him isn't an option. Or we could go with G.’s reason for the pills being in my car....she thinks some random stranger just threw them in there for the hell of it. Or perhaps they arrived there by osmosis. She’s convinced there is no way Monty would be that stupid, I am not so sure.

You could be my date for the xmas party. R. isn't going but I want to go. You could come with me and we could start a great rumor here at the (my workplace) and down at the (her work place)!!!! The rumor that I'm a lesbian will be great after they rip my mother of the year award away from me for having a teenage drug head.


I'm ready for happy hour......we can all do some roofies....I have an inside track on a supplier!!!!! Plans Friday night? Please know my humor is covering the fact that my heart is broken. :) Send alcohol....


She sent back a reply regaling me with stories of having to pick up her 16 year old downtown last weekend – 16 y ear old was drunk, puking and crying that K didn’t love her. I love teenagers.


Then my phone rings. It’s G calling. It dawned on her that the coat she had on while in my car yesterday had been leant to her sister-in-law over the weekend. The pills belonged to the sister-in-law. They flipped out of G’s pocket when she pulled money out to pay for coffee.


My son is not a druggie. My baby is still an angel. Does it make me a bad mama if my bff has more faith in my teenager than I do? I'm hanging on to the pills....I may need them.


***Monty, if you're reading this someday -  you know I would never beat the shit out of you - you also know a good ass kicking would almost be preferable to one of my "talks". Love you teddy bear.