Doubt is Thy Enemy

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I doubt myself constantly. I doubt whether I'm being fair to SWSNBN, I question whether I'm being unreasonable or irrational. Because when I'm not filled with anger over something she has said or done I really really would rather not have to spend my time and energy thinking about this shit. Your comments on my last post mean so much to me. Especially hearing from bonus moms that my anger is validated. It means the world to me, because no one in my real life really understands how complex this relationship is. The thing is...I'm not spineless. People in my real life, are scared of pissing me off. I have been told this on more than one occassion. For some reason, I question every decision I make when it comes to this woman. I question whether it's alright to make her cry.

Jacobathewell, the school my children (now only Nora as the boys are in high school) have accepted forms signed by SWSNBN in the past for field trips. I don't know if the high school the boys attend would accept it. I live in Canada, small small community, the type of community where when you meet someone new and introduce yourself, "Hi, my name is Dual Mom......" standard operating procedure is for the other person to rhyme off people they know with your last name until they find a common connection.,,it usually only take two or three names. I digress...

So would you like to hear what happened? By 9:00 last night I had not heard from either of them and had consumed several glasses of wine. Let's just say I'm a cheap date and two is more than enough. So I called their house. She answered the phone and I politely said hello and asked to speak with Ex.

Her: "Ex is just getting in the door Dual Mom, can he give you a call back"
Me: Sure that's no problem, I'm in for the night.
Her: Dual Mom, about your emails today......
Me: Yes?
Her: Do you really think it's the right thing not to get the kids vaccinated?
Me: No SWSNBN, I don't think it's the right thing to do at all. I just thought it would be a kick to play russian roulette with my kids lives, just to spice things up a know....for shits and giggles.
Her: I don't appreciate your sarcasm.
Me: Well you know what SWSNBN, I don't appreciate being challenged on this decision.
Her: Well, I do help look after them, I do love them.
Me: Yes, I get that. And I have thanked you for that in the past. But this is their parents decision, not yours.
Her: You have no right to exclude me from this decision.
Me: You know what SWSNBN, I have every right to exclude you from this decision. It is my right as their mother.

And then I hear it, my daughter speaking in the background. My little girl is sitting there listening to the entire conversation. Unfuckingbelievable.....

Me: Is Nora sitting right there?
Her: Yes, she's just on her way to bed.
Me: You're letting her sit there listening to us argue?
Her: We're not arguing.
Me: Well we are now. Because you know what SWSNBN it is not ok for you to do this. This is just wrong for you to try and undermine me like this in front of my daughter. Do you get that? She's my daughter. The boys are my sons. I am their mother. You don't need to remind me when her fucking birthday is SWSNBN because I remember (oh yes she did 2 years ago, I still have the email). I remember how much the fucking labor hurt, I remember how excited Ex and I were because boy were we hoping for a little girl. I remember seeing his face when the doctor said "It's a girl". I was there SWSNBN, we were there, and while I understand that this history may threaten you...please be rest assured that I in no way have any interest in your and Ex's life together....but you can also be assured that if you fuck with my kids like this I will make you rue the day you ever met any of us.
Her: Are you drunk?

All I could do was laugh.......I laughed and laughed (which just made her more convinced that I was drunk). This is the first time in over 8years I have screamed at her. This is the first time I have swore at her. She has NEVER heard me speak to anyone like this. I wasn't drunk, but the wine had loosened my tongue and removed the filters that I normally keep in place when dealing with her.

I hung up the phone. I was sweating I had worked myself up into such a state.

Ex called back not three minutes later. He gave me shit for "upsetting" SWSNBN, he ranted about how unfair it was of me and blah blah blah blah. This is what I said to him:

Ex, I'm done. I'm done biting my tongue, I'm done trying to keep the peace, I'm done participating in this sick need she has to compete with me for the love of our children. I'm just done (I start crying at this point, which makes me twice as angry because I hate crying). It's not ok for her to do and say the things she does Ex. It's not. While I get that you don't see that, I would hope that you know me well enough to know that if I'm crying...if I'm crying Ex there's a reason for it. In the 8 years we were together you say me cry once. Once Ex, after my mother died. So you need to get that what she's doing is hurting me. (stopping to breathe.....he's speechless). There will be no vaccines Ex, there will be no more decisions made by her without consulting me first. Because you need to get that I'm done with all of this. I have lost my ability to be rational. I do not want to fight with you, I do not want to fight with her, but if you cannot respect my wishes in this regard, I will force you to respect them.

We had managed to get through 9 years without threatening each other. And I fucked it all up.

He quietly said, "I'll call you tomorrow Dual Mom, I don't think us talking right now is the best thing to do"

To which I replied: "That's probably one of the smartest things I've ever heard you say."

And I hung up....again.

She did not email me today. He obviously told her not to and she listened to him. It killed her, I know it did, not to be able to send an email full of passive aggressive snide comments.

Thank you .....reading your comments this evening means more than you will ever know. Had I not had this blog I would have sat here all evening crucifying myself for fucking things up. But I'm not. She's wrong. It's not ok for her to do this. I know that.


Aunt Juicebox said...
October 27, 2009 at 10:30 PM

Power to the people!

I think you got your point across. Look, I understand that you have tried to tread lightly and avoid confrontation, it's human nature. You've gone out of your way to keep the peace, and to your own detriment. You appreciate that SWSNBN takes good care of your children. But she SO does NOT have any rights. Period. And regardless of how much she "helps" Ex out with the kids, they are still HIS kids and HIS responsibility. She can leave any time she wants to, wash her hands of all of them and never look back, and never pay any consequences for doing so. But you and Ex can't do that, and that's why there's a difference, and that's why YOU have all the rights and all the power (and Ex), not SWSNBN. Don't ever feel bad for exerting your rights as Supreme Mother.

TONI B. said...
October 28, 2009 at 11:11 AM

Let me start by saying that I personally understand how difficult it is to be helping raise a child in which you did not give birth too. Sometimes it pretty much sucks… you can love them, nurture them, teach them, and be there for them financially, but when important decisions need to be made you don’t matter…and that hurts. Yes, as a stepmom you can make suggestions to dad and suggest that he suggest it to mom…but mom does not have to consider your suggestion.
Now with that said… I really and truly do not understand Ex’s girlfriend… I really don’t get how she could think it is appropriate for her to talk to you in that manner. As hard as it might be for Ex he needs to set some boundaries for her. She needs to know its ok for her to make a suggestion but it would be in her best interest to make it to him and have him approach you about it…and if you do not approve of the suggestion that is your right because you are their mother! There should never be any conversation between you and her about why she doesn’t agree with your decision.
I really don’t care for women like that who help people feed into the stereotype that all stepmothers are awful… because we are not. I think your reaction to her misdirected smart ass comments was justified. All she had to do was say “I will have Ex call you back” and that would have been the end of the conversation.
One thing I never do is argue with Bio mom (except one time but I promise it really wasn’t my fault and she apologized!) If I have a problem with something she’s done I talk to my husband about it… I don’t ask him to call her… we just talk about it and try to come up with a solution on our end because at the end of the day people are going to be who they are! No matter how much my husband talks to his BM about the misguided things she does…no matter how many times she says sorry….she is gonna be who she is and we can’t change that so arguing and fighting is a waste. It’s ok for her not to agree with your decision but it is not ok for her to tell you so and especially not in front of your child (at least I don’t think so).
For your sanity maybe it’s time you take a break from her. I know when Bio mom was constantly on my mind and I was having so many negative feelings toward her I had to remove myself from that situation…even if it was an inconvenience for my husband. For a few months he was the only in contact with her…. Maybe it would be better if Ex talks to you directly for a while just until you feel like you don’t want to ring her neck anymore!
I know this comment was pretty long…sorry!

Dual Mom said...
October 28, 2009 at 7:04 PM

That's one of the issues I struggle with Toni. I show nothing but repsect in my dealings with this woman. She has no respect for the fact that I am their mother. And you're right...she does nothing to negate the typical stereotype of the wicked least in her dealings with me.