#1

I need to start running again. I'm scared to step on the scales to find out just exactly how much weight I've gained. I love running, LOVE it. Which is sort of amazing because I'm a lazy ass. I mean I love nothing more than sitting on my ass and reading blogs, or writing, or reading books....doesn't matter, as long as it involves sitting on my ass. I had to stop running for two months - two years ago - after they removed part of my tympanic membrane and I never started again. I suck.

#2

I've decided to go for the whole write a novel in 30 days. Thanks ToniB and Aunt Juicebox for the encouragement. I'll be sure to keep you posted (give you a break from my ranting about SWSNBN). When I'm rich and famous and Oprah has me on her bookclub show I'll be sure to give a shot out to the blog world. Ahahahahahh I'm funny....but can you imagine? Have you read the book "Elephant for Waters"? The author got her start doing this whole write a novel in 30 days thing......crazy shit I tell you.

#3

I think I swear to much. But chances are I'm not going to do anything about it.

#4

The thought of Christmas coming in less than two month makes me want to throw up. I love Christmas, I love the smell of the tree, decorating, cooking for huge amounts of people, getting drunk with my brother on Boxing Day and laughing our asses off at absolutely nothing,, hanging out with the kids, BEING OFF WORK FOR ALMOST TWO WEEKS (you gotta love working in education) and just the good cheer that seems to be in the air. I hate the materialism of Christmas. We buy and buy and buy, often just for the sake of buying and it makes me sick. Chances are I won't do anything about this either.

#5

I think about having another child. Yeah, feel free to slap me upside the head. I had my kids really young. I was so stupid, I had very little "life" experience. I'm smarter now, more patient. I feel like I didn't cherish my pregnancies or my babies enough. Or I could be having a midlife crisis and should just go buy a convertible...or get a boob job (neither of which I could afford).

#6

I went to Amsterdam by myself when Ex and I broke up. It was my non-anniverary present to myself. Oh you know damn well there's some great posts there. Foreign country, totally screwed up 25 year old trying to find herself, alone for the first time in her life.

#7

I'm afraid of dying young. The women on my mother's side of my family do not have a great life span. My mother died when she was 56. My daughter has never met her, my boys do not remember her. It makes me incredibly sad. She loved my boys so much. There lives are less because she's not here to love them. I get really mad at friends who bitch about having to visit their mother's, or take them to a doctor's appointment. I would give anything to HAVE to visit my mother. She sits on my mantle....in an urn. I have not scattered her ashes. I dust her urn and talk to her. I miss her so much sometimes. Six years after she died, her spirit, soul, angel whatever it is you believe, saved me and the three kids. I'll tell you about it sometime, it will make the hair on the back of your neck stand on end.

So - go ahead - share seven quick takes about you!!!!

I'm Looking for my Sanity...Have you Seen It?

I'm thinking about participating in this. I have two days to decide. Someone please knock some sense into me. I think I have lost my mind.

But it gives me butterflies in my stomach (the good ones) when I think about doing it....and succeeding. You know the feeling you get when you're so incredibly excited about something you almost feel sick to your stomach. That's what the mere THOUGHT of participating in this does to me. Failure??? Well let's not talk about the fact that I'll probably need to go on antidepressants if I fail.

I have wanted to write since I was 14 years old......and an english teacher told me I had an "amazing voice".

But could I handle the pressure......fuck could I even find a topic....could I even write 50, 000 words in 30 days. That's 1700 words a day..........

Four women who have long depended on their group of friends to sustain each other through some of lifes worst moments must now deal with the death of a friend. Referred to amongst themselves as the "Fab Five", they begin to question the direction their respective lives have taken. While each woman lives independantly of the others, the death of one of their own forces them to face just how important their relationships are. As they begin to look closer, lies and deceptions are exposed.

That's the premise. I think I may have my head up my ass believing that I could actually do this.

Not My Child.....

Do you ponder daily what type of mom you are? Do you agonize over what type of kids you're raising? My children are older, two teens and a tween, so their personalities are quite defined. This article has me confused, because my children don't really fall into any of the three categories. I'm a failure obviously. :)

The teacup term made me chuckle. I work in a College and this word has become prevalent among university and college staff in the past two years. We are seeing this influx of kids who simply can't deal with life. They crack at the first sign of criticism, they sink into depressions when they fail an exam, they have no coping mechanisms. They have lived all of their life in a shelter designed by their parents to prevent them from having to deal with any of lifes ugly realities. While the premise of this might seem as though they are just trying to spare their child....they are not doing them any favors at all. The real world can be an ugly place people. It's frightening to see.

Tyrants are alot of fun also. There's nothing like dealing with the parent of a tyrant. When students apeal academic discipline or probation these appeals end up in my office. I once had a group of five students in the same class who were all given a zero on a paper they had submitted. Why would an instructor do such a thing? Well these five little darlings all passed in the exact same paper, believing the instructor was either on crack or blind and he would not notice the paper was identical. I'll give them credit though, they did change the cover page to include their respective names. The parents of two of these tyrants landed in my office, threatening lawsuits unless something was done to purge the previously pristine reputation of their angel like offspring. Fuck. Open your eyes. Your kid is a lying, lazy ass shit.

Of course, we need not worry about this, because we're all raising perfect children, right? :0)

Doubt is Thy Enemy

I doubt myself constantly. I doubt whether I'm being fair to SWSNBN, I question whether I'm being unreasonable or irrational. Because when I'm not filled with anger over something she has said or done I really really would rather not have to spend my time and energy thinking about this shit. Your comments on my last post mean so much to me. Especially hearing from bonus moms that my anger is validated. It means the world to me, because no one in my real life really understands how complex this relationship is. The thing is...I'm not spineless. People in my real life, are scared of pissing me off. I have been told this on more than one occassion. For some reason, I question every decision I make when it comes to this woman. I question whether it's alright to make her cry.

Jacobathewell, the school my children (now only Nora as the boys are in high school) have accepted forms signed by SWSNBN in the past for field trips. I don't know if the high school the boys attend would accept it. I live in Canada, small small community, the type of community where when you meet someone new and introduce yourself, "Hi, my name is Dual Mom......" standard operating procedure is for the other person to rhyme off people they know with your last name until they find a common connection.,,it usually only take two or three names. I digress...

So would you like to hear what happened? By 9:00 last night I had not heard from either of them and had consumed several glasses of wine. Let's just say I'm a cheap date and two is more than enough. So I called their house. She answered the phone and I politely said hello and asked to speak with Ex.

Her: "Ex is just getting in the door Dual Mom, can he give you a call back"
Me: Sure that's no problem, I'm in for the night.
Her: Dual Mom, about your emails today......
Me: Yes?
Her: Do you really think it's the right thing not to get the kids vaccinated?
Me: No SWSNBN, I don't think it's the right thing to do at all. I just thought it would be a kick to play russian roulette with my kids lives, just to spice things up a bit....you know....for shits and giggles.
Her: I don't appreciate your sarcasm.
Me: Well you know what SWSNBN, I don't appreciate being challenged on this decision.
Her: Well, I do help look after them, I do love them.
Me: Yes, I get that. And I have thanked you for that in the past. But this is their parents decision, not yours.
Her: You have no right to exclude me from this decision.
Me: You know what SWSNBN, I have every right to exclude you from this decision. It is my right as their mother.

And then I hear it, my daughter speaking in the background. My little girl is sitting there listening to the entire conversation. Unfuckingbelievable.....

Me: Is Nora sitting right there?
Her: Yes, she's just on her way to bed.
Me: You're letting her sit there listening to us argue?
Her: We're not arguing.
Me: Well we are now. Because you know what SWSNBN it is not ok for you to do this. This is just wrong for you to try and undermine me like this in front of my daughter. Do you get that? She's my daughter. The boys are my sons. I am their mother. You don't need to remind me when her fucking birthday is SWSNBN because I remember (oh yes she did 2 years ago, I still have the email). I remember how much the fucking labor hurt, I remember how excited Ex and I were because boy were we hoping for a little girl. I remember seeing his face when the doctor said "It's a girl". I was there SWSNBN, we were there, and while I understand that this history may threaten you...please be rest assured that I in no way have any interest in your and Ex's life together....but you can also be assured that if you fuck with my kids like this I will make you rue the day you ever met any of us.
Her: Are you drunk?

All I could do was laugh.......I laughed and laughed (which just made her more convinced that I was drunk). This is the first time in over 8years I have screamed at her. This is the first time I have swore at her. She has NEVER heard me speak to anyone like this. I wasn't drunk, but the wine had loosened my tongue and removed the filters that I normally keep in place when dealing with her.

I hung up the phone. I was sweating I had worked myself up into such a state.

Ex called back not three minutes later. He gave me shit for "upsetting" SWSNBN, he ranted about how unfair it was of me and blah blah blah blah. This is what I said to him:

Ex, I'm done. I'm done biting my tongue, I'm done trying to keep the peace, I'm done participating in this sick need she has to compete with me for the love of our children. I'm just done (I start crying at this point, which makes me twice as angry because I hate crying). It's not ok for her to do and say the things she does Ex. It's not. While I get that you don't see that, I would hope that you know me well enough to know that if I'm crying...if I'm crying Ex there's a reason for it. In the 8 years we were together you say me cry once. Once Ex, after my mother died. So you need to get that what she's doing is hurting me. (stopping to breathe.....he's speechless). There will be no vaccines Ex, there will be no more decisions made by her without consulting me first. Because you need to get that I'm done with all of this. I have lost my ability to be rational. I do not want to fight with you, I do not want to fight with her, but if you cannot respect my wishes in this regard, I will force you to respect them.

We had managed to get through 9 years without threatening each other. And I fucked it all up.

He quietly said, "I'll call you tomorrow Dual Mom, I don't think us talking right now is the best thing to do"

To which I replied: "That's probably one of the smartest things I've ever heard you say."

And I hung up....again.

She did not email me today. He obviously told her not to and she listened to him. It killed her, I know it did, not to be able to send an email full of passive aggressive snide comments.

Thank you .....reading your comments this evening means more than you will ever know. Had I not had this blog I would have sat here all evening crucifying myself for fucking things up. But I'm not. She's wrong. It's not ok for her to do this. I know that.

To Swine...or not to Swine

Why am I arguing with another woman over whether or not my children receive the H1N1vaccination?

Today's email:

Dual Mom -

The kids brought home permission slips to get the flu vaccines next week. I will sign them and return them to the schools tomorrow. Just thought I should let you know as they will be with you and there could be mild side affects.

SWSNBN

Let's just pause a moment while my head spins around like the damn exorcist. She can't be fucking serious? Is my anger justified here? Am I being unreasonable? This is just wrong on so many levels, isn't it? I have asked her (very nicely) on three occassions over the past 8 years not to sign anything without first discussing it with me. The first time this happened (four years ago)was when she put her contact information on the registration form for Nora that the school sends out at the beginning of the year. Not a big deal as Ex is impossible to reach during the day. But she "forgot" to include my contact information on the form. The secretary at the school caught it and called me at work. My kids attend a consolidated school (K-9) so I have had children in this school for for 11 years. The poor woman knows our situation and was trying to be as diplomatic as possible, all the while knowing she was probably adding fuel to an already fearsome fire.

There is nothing in my life that makes me angrier than this woman trying to erase me from my children's lives. Why? She must know intellectually that she can't do it. It's not possible, my children love me. I love them, I'm not a neglectful mother, my children aren't starving for affection. I fully accept that she loves them. I accept it. So why can't she accept that she's never going to replace me?

Here's my response to her email (after my head stopped spinning on my shoulders):

SWSNBN:
I was actually going to call Ex regarding this. I do not want the children vaccinated. They have never had the flu vaccine, all three are in excellent health, and it has been at least 3  years since any of them have gotten the flu. Please do not sign the permission forms.

If either you or Ex would like to discuss this with me please give me a call this evening at home.

Have a good day!
Dual Mom

Not ten minutes later I got this:

Dual Mom -

You don't want them to get vaccinated? Have you heard how severe this flu can be? I don't think that is the most responsible decision to make. I know I do not want to get deatly sick from catching the flu from one of the kids. I know Ex agrees with me on this.

SWSNBN

Can you imagine how angry I am by this point. So now I'm irresponsible. That's excellent, I'm glad she let me know because here I was thinking I's all grown up and stuff. She seems to know alot, doesn't she? Ex must have changed his views alot on vaccinations since we seperated. She forgets that I was married to the man. I wonder does she realize that one of the biggest fights we ever had was over vaccinating Monty when he was a baby? He forbid me to do it, I told him to blow it out his ass that I was not taking the chance of my child dying from measles. All three kids were vaccinated as babies.

My reply:

SWSNBN
While I fully appreciate your desire not to get sick, I have to point out that if you intend to get the vaccine yourself, and the vaccine does what it is touted to do, you will not get sick. It will not matter if the kids spend a week barfing all over you! haha If you are concerned about the children being sick while with you and Ex I can assure you that I will be more than happy to take them into my place and nurse them back to health. I have at least a week of vacation days left over that I can take at any time. As stated in my previous email, I do not feel comfortable giving them this vaccine when they are perfectly healthy. Yes, I have indeed heard the horror stories the media so gleefully reports on. However, I will reiterate - IF they had a compromised immune system or were prone to illness I would not hesitate to vaccinate them. They are not. I am not comfortable giving my children a vaccine that has not had extensive human trials. I'll be more than happy to copy the research I've done on the vaccine to provide you with more information. I must stress here SWSNBN that you do not have my consent to sign these permission forms.

Again, I would be more than happy to discuss this further with you and Ex. Please give me a call this evening.
Dual Mom

What I wanted to say:

Dearest SWSNBN
Fuck off .
Thanks and have a great day!
Dual Mom

I spent the rest of the day angry at the world. Not only because she basically called me an idiot but also because I allowed her to make me angry. Someday, someday I will learn how to be the bigger person, won't I? Oh yeah, and no call yet from either one of them. The flu will be the least of her damn problems if she signs those slips.....

How Do You Make It Work?

I moved out in August 2000. At that time, we had lived together for 6 years in his parents home. When I got pregnant with our second child, we looked into purchasing a house. Ex is an only child. His parents immediately jumped on the bandwagon and convinced me (Ex needed no convincing) that it would be a perfectly wonderful idea to have them build an in-law suite onto their three bedroom, huge house - give us the house and have them move into the in-law suite. Essentially this would allow us to have the bigger home we needed, rent/mortgage free (sounds like a dream, right?) while allowing them to have their grandbabies nearby. The reasons not to do this are endless and a post onto itself.

So in August of 2000 after three months of bitter bitter arguments with Ex, I moved out. The arguments were not over the house (I didn't want it), or alimony (I didn't want any), or child support (I didn't want any). He wanted me to stay. He could not understand why I was leaving. The fact that we could not speak to each other in a civil tone was not a reason for ending a marriage. The fact that we never slept in the same bed together was not a reason. The fact that I was critisized anytime I wanted to do anything outside the house (see friends, go out with the girls, have a life) was not a reason. The fact that we had grown so far apart and wanted completely different things from life was not a reason. He loved me, even though we fought constantly and in his mind that should be enough to hold a marriage together.

When I think back now on how damaging those three months must have been to my children it makes me shudder....

So I left....with two of the children. Two you say, but Dual Mom you have three kids? Yes I do. Monty, the oldest refused to come with me. He was 8. He was and remains to this day, his father's son. He loves his Daddy. I (foolishly I admit) believed at the time that it would be the right thing to leave Monty with his father, taking the other two with me. We had agreed that this would work, we would alternate weekends with all three kids. Fuck I was so stupid back then. It was awful....Monty was being spoiled by his father and grandparents, and the other two children felt like second class citizens. It lasted for three weeks when I put a stop to it. I told Ex all three kids needed to be together, we were out of our minds batshit crazy to think that seperating them would work. He reluctantly agreed. Monty hated me for six months after. He missed his father so much that he would sob in my arms when he was with me. I have never asked Ex if he cried like that when he was with him........I don't think I could handle it if the answer was no. We finally agreed all three children would stay with each of us two days a week and would alternate weekends.

Some facts: At the time of the break-up I moved into a two bedroom apartment in the capital city. This was a 25 minute drive from Ex's house. It was also out of the school district. I did not want Monty (who was going into grade 2) and Jimmy (who was starting kindergarten) to have to switch schools. My office was located 45 minutes from my new house - and Ex's house was halfway between. So it came to be that the children were all together, they shared equal time with both parents, they had the security of continuing in the school with all their friends.

Was it hard? It was so hard. Keep in mind Ex and I had been together since I was 17 years old. I got pregnant with Monty when I was 18. We moved into an apartment together before Monty was born. So here I was, not quite 25 years old, and alone for the first time in my life, with three children, half the household income I was used to (oh when I think of the glorious days of disposable income) and a child who hated me for tearing his family apart. I had no family, my mother had died 3 years earlier, my sisters and brother all lived in other parts of the country. I survived, we survived, and eventually started to flourish. For anyone out there that may be going through this right now, all I can say to you is keeping getting up in the morning, try to keep smiling, laugh when you can, cry when you must, but just keep going because I can swear on all that I hold dear...it does get better.

So our week looked like this: If the children were with me on Monday and Tuesday, they were with Ex on Wednesday and Thursday, then back with me on Friday for the weekend. Then reverse the order the following week. It worked. It worked because I was able to drop the two older kids off at Ex's in the morning on my way to work, where they caught the bus for school. Nora was dropped at the sitters. In the evening after work, I would pick them up at their father's and continue on home. I could have demanded that they change schools, forcing him to do the travelling, but to what end? I was driving by his house twice a day anyway. It made sense (except to those who like to judge me for not being a full-time mom). Did I miss my children? There were days I would come home to the empty apartment and sink to the floor and cry I missed them so much. But it did not matter, I did not matter. They were adjusting and happy and that is all that mattered to me. Over time I learned to keep myself busy when they weren't with me, I worked alot, made new friends and eventually started dating (again, keep in mind, I had never dated as an adult...alot of fun, I highly recommend it). The times when I would completely break down because I missed the kids became fewer and farther between. To this day I miss them when they are not with me, but I know they are being looked after, they are being loved by their father. The proof that what I was (and am) doing was the right thing was in the glee I saw in my children's eyes.

Neither of us has ever spent a cent on lawyers fees. We have never seen the inside of a courtroom. We have no "official" custody arrangement. Threats of lawsuits and custody battles have never crossed either my or his lips. He has never given me a cent of support. I have never asked. I left the house, taking a couch, my clothes and a few of the childrens things. I borrowed beds for the kids from a friend. Now....now we have a house, bought by me and me alone. They have everything they need and much more. Do I say that with a touch of pride....you're damn right I do.

Today, the kids spend one week with me and one week with Ex. They are older and it allows them to feel settled. There are issues, I can't stand his gf, he thinks I should be more of a "helicopter" mom, he thinks I'm too hard on Monty with regard to his school work, I think he's small minded. I changed jobs two years ago which now sees me having to make the 25 minute drive out to his house so the kids can go to school when they are with me, 25 minutes back to the city to go to work, repeat in the evenings. It's a pain in the ass. I admit...and expensive. Will I change the arrangement? No. My kids are happy. Monty and Jimmy will both have their license soon. These issues rarely cause undue acrimony between us, we have learned over the years to accept the others flaws (the irony of this does not escape me).

Holidays are spent with whichever parent has them that week. Except for Christmas. Christmas eve is spent with whichever parent has them. They go with the other parent at noon on Christmas Day. I will admit to getting very very inebriated the FIRST Christmas eve they spent with him. It made me physically ill not to have them with me. They had a blast with him. The proof is in the puddin as they say. All this makes me sound like an angel right? No, I'm not. I do shitty things like saying "You're father shouldn't have done that" to the kids. I shouldn't do that. I catch myself bitching about SWSNBN sometimes and have to make a concentrated effort to just bite my tongue and say nothing. I let the fact that Ex and SWSNBN(who do not pay a mortgage, heat, or hydro) are able to buy the kids whatever they want, bother me. I hate that it bothers me. I let SWSNBN pull me into this sick, dysfunctional type of competition because she has a pathetic need to prove that she's on par with me. There's alot of things I do that I know I should not.

I'm sitting in the living room watching the kids outside on the front lawn throw leaves at each other. I can hear their laughter from where I sit. We must be doing something right...

Communication Part Trois

Hello Dual Mom
If you get a chance tonight, call the house after the interview. We are quite interested to hear what she has to say this time as I am sure it will not be great. If you can not, send me an email tomorrow. I wish there was some way we could get to the bottom of it. He just reminds me of a child with Attention Deficit Disorder. He has no attention span at all. One minute he wants something and then he forgets all about it. He bullies the other 2 quite a bit. I also noticed that when he is learning, one minute he is great and then he forgets it all. These are all the signs. It does run in the family as xxx had it when he was younger. Poor (Ex's aunt) had to make 5 trips to different Doctors before she had him diagnosed. Every one of them said there was nothing wrong. Finally, the last one diagnosed him and gave him medicine and he graduated with honors.Imagine that! I know he struggles and I really think there is a reason behind it all. He can learn when he wants to. Have you ever noticed him talk about History, he absolutely loves it.

Then again, it could be a lot of things that is the cause of it. I could understand his home life bothering him when he was younger. It must have been very hard for him to have his parents splitting up like that and then a new girl shows up and R too. But, that should not be an issue now. He has a pretty good life from what I can see. He has the best of both worlds!
I will be going home very shortly . If you do happen to call the house tonight and you are talking to Ex, send me an email tomorrow anyway. Sometimes poor Ex doesn't repeat the story as he should. I would rather hear it from you LOL.
Talk soon
SWSNBN

This whole email made me lose my shit. And I cannot determine whether that's what she intended or if she's just insensitive. First off, Monty does not have ADD. Though SWSNBN would like everyone to think otherwise, she is by no means an expert on ADD and has been around ONE child in her life who has been diagnosed as ADD. I do not believe in medicating children because they are too damn lazy to do their schoolwork. I fully realize there are parents out there that believe this is the best thing for their child. That is their choice and I do not question it. I do NOT believe it will ever be the best choice for my children. So piss off SWSNBN with your armchair diagnosis.
Second, his home life?????? HIS fucking home life, how dare she talk about his home life when she started having sleepovers with the EX ONE MONTH AFTER I MOVED OUT. Can you tell I'm just a tad bit sensitive about this? What is that shit? Is she making a dig? Is that what it is? Is she trying to say I permanently fucked up my son by leaving a really bad marriage? I get that I could be just really sensitive about this.
This email exchange was 2 years ago (yes I kept it ... I'm a loser). Monty is now in gr11, he hates school, he gets by by the skin of his teeth and does minimal work. My rant on public education is a post for another time. He does not have ADD. The child would rather be playing with an old car than learning about Georgraphy. It is only because he's deathly afraid of his father and I that he's still in school. His father quit school in grade 11 and Monty likes to argue with me that his father has done ok. I argue that I have higher expectations than OK for my son.
So tell me blogger world, am I too sensitive when it comes to this woman?
Wait until I tell you about the time she felt the need to remind me that my daughter's birthday was coming up......

Communication Part Deux

My response to SWSNBN's email:

Thanks SWSNBN, I know you really do a lot to try and get him to where he's supposed to be and make sure that things are getting done and helping him with projects and stuff, so thank you for that. Short of doing the work ourselves....I don't know what more we can do. It's just...he doesn't care...and I don't know how you make a kid care about school. I was furious when I got off the phone last night...and I told him there was no tv for the next month and no concert, because I did tell him that I would take him to the concert if his dad would let him come in with me on that Friday night. I knew you guys had plans to go to xxx and couldn't shell out money for more concert tickets. And you're right, he wants to go desperately. I'll see what the teacher says on Thursday evening.
Dual Mom

See!!! Look how nice I am, I THANK HER for her help. She helps, I fully admit that. Ok, again can't copy into this post. Check out the next post where it all goes to hell in a handbasket with one simple sentence from SWSHBN.........ohh yi yi

Communication

I think I am pretty fair when it comes to communicating with Ex. What I have a problem with is Ex prefers to leave the communicating to SWSNBN. He has his reasons for this, it's difficult to get in touch with him during the day, plus he doesn't like to talk. I'm serious when I say that. So I try....I try so hard to be the bigger person and allow him his preferred method of communication....see email below from me.


SWSNBN-
Can you let Ex know I got a call from Monty's teacher last night. Apparently he's not doing his math homework and on Monday he passed in a science lab that she immediately returned to him because it was unacceptable. He also had some sort of "myth" due today. She posted this myth on the homework site yesterday and it was due today. It's not done, I didn't check the homework site yesterday and she called me at 9:00 last night. Of course he didn't tell me that he had to do this. Anyway, I'll deal with that this evening or maybe she'll make him do it after school today. She did make him stay in yesterday to do the math he hadn't done. He told me on Monday and again last night that he had done his homework before I picked them up, I'm obviously going to have to stop falling for that line.
Anyway, just thought I would let Ex know that the #1 son is at it again.:0) Parent teacher interviews are on Thursday night so I'll let Ex know how that goes. Honestly, I'm just ready to choke the kid.....
Thanks
Dual Mom

That's a nice, cordial email, right? I'm communicating, being friendly, no ulterior motive. Just trying to get everyone on the same page with regard to Monty's schoolwork. I get this response from SWSNBN:

Dual Mom
He will never learn
He wanted to go to the concert and I really would have taken him, but I told him he would really have to pull up his socks first. He told me yesterday that you may take him. Maybe that is another threat for him, unless he picks it up he is not going. We had already got our xxx tickets and they were $150. He loves xxx so much but he is not showing any improvement at all.
When I got home yesterday, he was sitting at the table doing homework. I can vouch for that, but he finished soon after I came in. Ex is not very good with the school stuff and if you ever want me to go with you to the interviews let me know. It is me that helps with homework and projects. Ex usually only helps out with the easy stuff, like spellings and reading.
I will pick him up today and I will let Ex know that he is back to his old tricks.
SWSNBN

Total adult communication right? She's trying to be helpful and engaged. I chuckle at the line "Ex is not very good with school stuff" (actually I laugh my ass off at this).  Gee do ya think? Am I being bitchy when I ask myself "Why the hell would I need her to come to parent teacher interviews with me"?
My response in the next post, blogger won't let me copy and paste anymore into this one....what's up with that?

OH Ye of Little Faith

Someday Monty, I will show this story to you. That day will not be while you are a sullen teenager who will use it against me on a daily basis.



I take a university course every Tuesday and Thursday. I arrive at the university today and reach down onto the floor of the passenger side to grab my purse and I notice two pill capsules on the mat. I pick them up, thinking they’re probably advil tablets that Monty dropped this morning on the way to school. Hmmm, curious looking advil tablets, they are green and white and look suspiciously unlike any OTC medication I have seen. I set them on the seat and proceed to class where I spend the entire hour wondering what the pills are and how they got in my car. It dawns on me …my son is taking drugs. My beautiful, teddy bear, first child is doing drugs. I curse him in my head, I curse the school that I did not want to send him to in my head, I curse his druggie fiendish friends who surely must have peer pressured him into this because my innocent little baby would never do such a thing….in my head.


After leaving class I drive like the insane mother on a mission that I am to the local pharmacy. I march up to the pharmacist and smile insanely pleasantly while holding out my trembling hand, “ Good afternoon, could you tell me what these are?” The lovely pharmacist takes them in her hand and said to me, “They’re anti-depressants …and they’re obviously not yours.” The tears start in my eyes as a million questions role through my mind. Why…why would my innocent baby be taking anti-depressants? Then because I’m so suave and hip to what the young kids are doing these days I ask the lovely pharmacist, “Do kids that don’t need anti-depressants use them for recreational purposes?” She chuckled at my naiveté and replied, “Kids will take anything for recreational purposes these days, anti-depressants when used over a period of time with alcohol produces quite a euphoric state and is extremely dangerous.” Great…so now my son is a druggie and there’s a chance he’s going to accidentally off himself. Banner day….


Walking back to my car I realized that I had taken a girlfriend out to the mall yesterday. There was someone besides myself and the kids in my car recently. I have never in all my life so hoped for a depressed girlfriend. Back at work, where I made a beeline for said friend’s office…


Holding out my shaking hand once more I said, “G, I don’t give a shit if you’re depressed and haven’t told me, but I really really need to know if these pills belong to you.” I could tell by the look on her face they weren’t hers. They weren’t hers….


Back to the office…where I sent the email below to another friend….


Ahahah you're so funny! I'm all about getting things done in the most expedient manner K. - hence the wordy email!!!! (She was giving me a hard time for the succinct email I had sent to her this morning).



Don't talk about my kids K. - I found two pills on the floor of the car today. They don't belong to me....I'm told by the pharmacist at Shoppers that they are prozac. After I picked my tongue up off the floor she asked me where I found them. When I told her she asked me if I had teenagers. Apparently it's the "in" thing nowadays to take anti-depressants. Who knew? G. is at this very moment trying to convince me that driving to the school and pulling Monty out of his class by the scruff of his neck and beating the shit out of him in front of his peers is probably not the best idea I've ever had.


My baby is taking drugs. How does one deal with that? Holy jesus if that kid gets any more mellow then he is naturally he'll be comatose. Apparently kicking the shit out of him isn't an option. Or we could go with G.’s reason for the pills being in my car....she thinks some random stranger just threw them in there for the hell of it. Or perhaps they arrived there by osmosis. She’s convinced there is no way Monty would be that stupid, I am not so sure.

You could be my date for the xmas party. R. isn't going but I want to go. You could come with me and we could start a great rumor here at the (my workplace) and down at the (her work place)!!!! The rumor that I'm a lesbian will be great after they rip my mother of the year award away from me for having a teenage drug head.


I'm ready for happy hour......we can all do some roofies....I have an inside track on a supplier!!!!! Plans Friday night? Please know my humor is covering the fact that my heart is broken. :) Send alcohol....


She sent back a reply regaling me with stories of having to pick up her 16 year old downtown last weekend – 16 y ear old was drunk, puking and crying that K didn’t love her. I love teenagers.


Then my phone rings. It’s G calling. It dawned on her that the coat she had on while in my car yesterday had been leant to her sister-in-law over the weekend. The pills belonged to the sister-in-law. They flipped out of G’s pocket when she pulled money out to pay for coffee.


My son is not a druggie. My baby is still an angel. Does it make me a bad mama if my bff has more faith in my teenager than I do? I'm hanging on to the pills....I may need them.


***Monty, if you're reading this someday -  you know I would never beat the shit out of you - you also know a good ass kicking would almost be preferable to one of my "talks". Love you teddy bear.

The "Other" Woman

I alluded to "she who shall not be named" in my first post. I am quite proud of the fact that I waited until my third post before verbally punching that bitch in the nose. Ohhhhh the pent up anger and resentment.  Ohhhhhhhh I hate her, I hate her, I hate her (and yes dammit I am stamping my foot as I say that). Yes, my hate is based on that fucking overshadowing green eyed monster, jealousy. The jealousy in turn makes me angry at myself because I want to be the bigger person, I want to allow the things this woman does and says roll off my back, but I can't, I can't, I can't do it, every word and action from that woman pierces me to the very core, and it makes me so damn furious that she has that power over me sob sob sob. Ok I'll stop now.

Backtrack a bit: SWSNBN (cleveh eh?...ok not really) is Ex's girlfriend, obviously. They started dating ONE month after I moved out (post for another day perhaps). She moved into the house about six months later. My kids spend 2 weeks a month with their father. She's there. She is a c*nt not a bad person, she loves my kids. She is however, immature (32 I think) and quite jealous of me, which is ironic.

Y'all are going to think I'm crazier than bat shit when I say this but I swear on my brand new pair of Nine West shoes, I tell the truth -- SWSNBN believes to her very core, that she has as much say in the raising of my children as their father and I. I would go as far as to say she believes that she has more say in their lives then their mother. Ok, pick your chin off the floor, there ya go. I have emails to prove it.

It is without a doubt the largest thing I struggle with in regard to Ex and I sharing our children. I smile in her presence, I am completely civil to her (most of the time), I do not bad mouth her in front of my children. It feels so incredibly good to write here how much she fucking drives me completely around the bend. Because I don't do it IRL. I take the high road for the sake of my children. I ACT completely mature and rational when speaking about her with my children. Because they like her. And oh it breaks my heart that they like her. I want them to hate her, I want them to stomp their feet and insist that their father dump her fat ass. Oh how I would dance with glee. It's not going to happen. Because they like her....

It's a double edged sword, right? I mean, how awful would it be for my little darlings if they did not like the woman in my Ex's life? It would be pretty awful because I'm not sure if Ex would have the brains to realize it and choose his children over his relationship. So it is a good thing that they like her, for them. It makes their life so much fuller, and that is what I want for them. But that insidious, petty, jealous, ugly part of my soul wants them to hate her.

I feel as though I have just spent hours on a therapists couch. It's wonderful to get that venom out. It really isn't good for the psyche to hold that shit in.

Perhaps sometime I'll post about the time she cut my daughter's hair, her beautiful hair which hung to the middle of her back in a blonde, shiny curtain. She cut it just below her ears. I struggled that day, alot, not to choke the bitch with my bare hands and pull every damn hair out of her head.

Rant over.

Dual Life

I sometimes feel like a schizophrenic. I'm not...at least I don't think I am...no, I'm not...seriously. But let me tell you why I sometimes feel like a shizophrenic (because I know you really give a shit). As stated in previous post, my ex (who shall be further more named Ex...creative huh?)and I share custody of our three children. By share I mean that they spend one week at my house, and one week at his house. Monday to Monday. So for two weeks out of each month, I essentially live the life of a thirty-something single woman. Sounds good to all you Mom's out there who are right now just wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole because dammit if you have to listen to one more argument over a damn plastic toy you may just hang yourself in the backyard. I know. It does sound good, and it is.

It took me a long time to get to a place where I can openly admit it is good, to get over the feelings of guilt I had with regard to not being a full-time Mom. Though we like to believe we are a truly enlightened society living in the 21st century, when it comes to motherhood, we really aren't. Society frowns on a mother who does not have her children with her 7 days a week, and if said mother actually does this by choice, well let's just burn her at the stake and let the ashes scatter in the wind.

When Ex and I were in the process of seperating, the kids were 8, 6 and 2. We were breaking up because I could not be married to this man anymore. There was no abuse, he was not a raging alcoholic, there was no adultery. I was 26 years old, he was 29 and we were so freakin different that it was tearing me apart trying to stay married. Had I not gotten pregnant at 18 there is no doubt in my mind we would not have been together. When I told him I was leaving I assumed the kids would come with me and he would see them on weekends. One evening about two weeks prior to my moving out with the kids he said to me with tears in his eyes, "Dual Mom, I did not have children to be a part-time father".  I couldn't argue with him....he was right. I started questioning why I assumed the kids would automatically spend the majority of their time with me. Why did I assume I had that right? My kids love their father, as much as they love me. Why was it ok for me (and society) to expect that he would settle for being a part-time father?

So I agreed with him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life but I agreed that I had no right to "take his kids away". I had no right to expect that he would willingly accept whatever crumbs of fatherhood, I , the mother, would willingly throw to him. There were no issues with his ability to father, he was (and remains) a good father. Yes, I birthed the little buggers, but did that automatically entitle me carte blanche to dictate how they would be raised? I tried, trust me, I tried desperately to justify to myself that as their mother, I had this right. But I couldn't, I couldn't justify it.

So instead I spent the next five years or so trying to justify it to society. Oh it pisses me off so much when I think of how I allowed this know-it-all, narrow minded, judgemental asses to make me feel so inferior, so wrong. Co-workers that would raise there eyebrows when I said the children were at their father's for the week. It made me less of a mother in their eyes, I could see it. I somehow loved my children less because I willingly agreed to allow their father to parent them equally. I have stopped justifying it. I no longer explain myself at all and let them think what they will, they do no matter what I say anyway. I don't care anymore and it has taken me a long time to get there. I don't care anymore because I have three children that are happy, social, smart, loving kids. I don't care anymore because my decision is validated by the glowing comments from their teachers, by the giggles  coming from Nora and a room full of her friends as they paint each others nails.

People that don't know shit shouldn't judge.

And on that note, I think we should all get together and put balloon boy's Dad in the balloon and set his ass off into the great blue yonder. Jesus the world is full of idiots.....

Nuff said.

Well hello there.

Hello out there…hello…does this thing work? Hmmm …


I have been told by many people IRL that I should write. I think they’re full of crap but admit that I do enjoy telling an occasional story. I considered starting a blog so that my children may one day look back at it in the event of my untimely death and know their mother. I discarded that idea…

I thought about starting a blog and telling funny stories about my kids….there are so many bloggin’ mammas out there that do this much better than I ever could.

So what could I write about that people might find interesting? Let me give you a little backstory.

I’m 36 years old. I have three children, we’ll call them Monty, Jimmy and Nora. Respecitve ages are 17, 15 and 11. Put your fingers away….yes I was 18 when I had Monty. Their father and I married when I was 24, though we had been together for seven years prior to that. We separated two years later. Not quite the shortest marriage on the books (I think Britney beat me on that one) but we obviously didn’t take the whole “till death do us part” as gospel. Too young, too stupid, too different. I’m sure it would make a post onto itself.

Since then, we have successfully raised our three children from two homes. We are not formally divorced, neither of us has ever brought a lawyer into the picture, we have never fought over the children, we have never threatened each other. There is no formal agreement in place, there has never been a need.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days I want to kill the man and bury him in the backyard. He does and says things that leave me to wonder what the hell I was thinking when I married him in the first place. But he’s a good father, and I believe he would tell you I’m a good mother (please don’t let him ever find this blog…because than she who will not be named will find it…and I’m really looking forward to dragging that beotch through the coals….verbally speaking ).

So I’m going to blog about how we’ve managed to co-exist for the sake of our children, the children themselves, grandparents and their involvement in a separated family, and moving on.

One of the things I will probably spend a lot of time on is the logistics of a two-parent home. We have somehow managed to make it work…well. I know it works well because my kids are really happy. I’ve asked them (after buying them the latest xbox game they have been drooling over…I immediately say, “Are you happy”. To which they unanimously nod, while their eyes glaze over at the thought of getting home and tuning out their mother while blowing things up). No but seriously, they are happy, well rounded, polite, social, happy kids. It amazes me actually….

I’ll blog about other things too: books (avid avid reader, to the point of obsessions), education (oh I do like my soapbox), current events, shoes (oh yes, another obsession), and anything else that strikes my fancy.

So pull up a chair, grab a glass of wine and c’mon in.

Must go hide the evidence of the bag of  few chocolate I just consumed…..sigh.