How to Entertain 45 Teenagers?

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So in two weeks I'm chaperoning a group of 45 teenagers (high school) for a 6 day trip. I'll give you a moment to digest that statement.

Just shoot me now. I was obviously drunk when I agreed to help. Who in their right mind leaves me in charge?

Ensuring the kids have a positive educational experience? Hell I'll consider the trip a success if I'm not required to bail anyone out of jail and no one comes home pregnant. It will be nothing short of a miracle if we all make it back alive. 

Seriously, I'm concerned. How the fuck do you keep 45 teenagers in line? I have enough trouble keeping two in line. Apparently I've been dubbed the "muscle" by the other chaperones. My reputation as a total hard ass bitch has obviously gotten around. Who told?

The kids comprise a team representing our province in a national competition. There are three days of competition which leaves us 2 days to entertain the little buggers and keep them out of trouble. After researching local attractions these are the things I've suggested to the other chaperones as items to entertain the hormone driven back talking little fuckers little darlings.

  • There's a Mennonite community about 15 minutes from where we're staying. A riveting day of soap making and buggy rides would be sure to please the teens, don't you think? Seriously, picture Dual Mom in a Mennonite community with 45 rowdy teenagers. The fucks would be flying everywhere. Who wants to put bets on ME being the first one that's asked to leave?
  • A butterfly museum. I know, exciting right? Complete with tropical gardens where the teens can frolick in the splendor of nature. They'd be sure to love that.
  • A glass and clay museum (apparently this part of the country is big on obscure museums). C'mon...who doesn't love the awesomeness of glass and clay?
Failing the success of these stupdendous outings I'm considering having a large supply of sleeping pills on hand and spiking their cokes each evening at dinner. What? It won't hurt them.

I'm fucking doomed, aren't I?

In all seriousness, beside the idea of chasing drunk teenagers around a strange city and breaking up orgies, I'm really looking forward to the trip.
The silver lining - - I can be assured of some good stories to blog. You can bet your sweet ass the laptop will be travelling with me. Tales from the road. I know, you're excited.

Post script: If the parent of one of the aforementioned teens happens to stumble upon this blog - please be rest assured I am a completely responsible adult and I will ensure your child has protection for above mentioned orgie. No really, there will be no orgies. I don't believe in sex. Trust me. Completely trustrworthy, I am, seriously. I also promise not to drug your child - pinkie swear. Unless they deserve to be drugged. Then all bets are off. Also, your child is not the "little fucker" I refer to, it's someone elses kid. I would never call your child a little fucker, your child is an angel.


Salt said...
May 3, 2010 at 2:14 PM

This is going to give you some GREAT material for sure. :) Butterflies, soap, glass and clay definitely sounds like my idea of an awesome time. Those Mennonites are never going to know what hit 'em.

If I were you, I'd bring a flask.

Yankee Girl said...
May 3, 2010 at 2:15 PM

Drunk, maybe. Crazy for sure!

You were just asking for trouble when you signed up!

I cannot wait to hear all of the great stories those fuckers are going to produce for you. Because you know they will.

Ian said...
May 3, 2010 at 2:40 PM

LMAO I cannot wait for the blog material that's gonna come outta this one!

Mae Rae said...
May 3, 2010 at 2:45 PM

Personally, I don't think you will be blogging for a few days after this, and may even decide to move in with one of the Mennonites. Either way, the disclaimer was the BEST!

Aphrodite's Mortal Friend (ME) said...
May 3, 2010 at 2:59 PM

NO ... it's two letters ... I'm just sayin' you are cray ;-) Hope it goes well my dear!

MiMi said...
May 3, 2010 at 3:23 PM

"The fucks would be flying everywhere. Who wants to put bets on ME being the first one that's asked to leave? " <--- good thing I'M not going.

Linda Medrano said...
May 3, 2010 at 3:27 PM

I love your postscript. I would feel so much better reading that before you took off with my teen kids! Please tell me there is something else to do besides those wonderful little outings you mentioned. Never mind. Tell the kids to bring their own pot and enough to share.

BigSis said...
May 3, 2010 at 3:34 PM

Certifiably insane! But, I'm looking forward to the stories.

And the PS - had me rolling on the floor - hysterical!

Hillbilly Duhn said...
May 3, 2010 at 3:39 PM

Oh my goodness. What have you done!
I could never NEVER do that. By the end of the first day I would be asking which one of those little fuckers has a pill to help me through the rest of the journey!

I can't wait to hear the stories of it. Good luck!!

Erin said...
May 3, 2010 at 3:53 PM

How many other chaperones are there?

ANd yes, I'm looking forward to all the blog fodder this trip provides. CANNOT wait.

When I was in 8th grade we went on a class trip to washington dc, new york city, & williamsburg. i feel sorry for our chaperones to this day!

Drama Queen said...
May 3, 2010 at 4:45 PM

OMG, I just spewed my drink reading your post! How freakin' funny! But - as people said - look at the bright side - BLOG FODDER!

I suggest huge amounts of Benadryl for all of the kids - spiked in their drinks - and huge amounts of wine for you.

It's called survival.

Mrsblogalot said...
May 3, 2010 at 4:48 PM


You give THE best prelude!!!!

I cannot wait to hear how this one turns out...not that I'm not wishing you all the happy thoughts (with a dash of OMG I can't believe she's doing this) for you of course but be sure to self medicate and most importantly write it all down!!

Anonymous said...
May 3, 2010 at 7:00 PM

Yes, you MUST have been druk to volunteer for that! lol Or high. Were you high? I can not wait to hear how the trip goes!!

Anonymous said...
May 3, 2010 at 9:09 PM

You are definitely Certifiable. I cannot even imagine what possessed you to volunteer for such a thing. I had a baby throw up in my mouth just from thinking of being a chaperone for six days with teenagers.

Love the Postscript btw - Nosy people are exactly why my stupid blog is password protected now!

Anonymous said...
May 3, 2010 at 9:32 PM

OMG are you crazy? seriously, give them the visa, drop them at the mall and run to the nearest ;)

The Only Girl said...
May 3, 2010 at 9:55 PM

Yikes - you've got balls! Where are you going?

Good luck! Can't wait to hear the stories.

Along said...
May 3, 2010 at 11:02 PM

OMG, you are fucked!! But yeah for the rest of us...great stories await!!

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...
May 3, 2010 at 11:41 PM

I traveled to Europe with about 75 teenagers for 15 days and about 90 eighth graders for the Washington,D.C. trip...but never as a chaperone. I'm no fool. Those poor chaperones had their hands full...banging on doors at midnight for bedcheck, surprise busts in the middle of the night. And with the older kids, I was sorta shocked at the amount of "hooking up" that went on. But, truthfully, it was no surprise which kids it would be, which means you can have lots of fun finding ways to torment them~!

Yes, you will make an awesome chaperone though.

Sammy K said...
May 3, 2010 at 11:54 PM

Oh dear God. And I thought I was crazy giving myself the opportunity to work with sixty (yes...6.0.) 5-12 year olds from the ghetto of Delaware. Good luck!! Looking forward to reading!!!!

GunDiva said...
May 4, 2010 at 12:49 AM

How drunk were you when you agreed to do this?

You do know that this is essentially a drunk fest, right? Can't say as I ever heard of a week long field trip without it being a drunk fest.

You are a brave, brave woman. Can't wait to read all about those little fuckers.

Crazy Brunette said...
May 4, 2010 at 2:17 AM

Awwwww shit....

The Butterfly museum???? I'm sooooo fucking jealous bitch!

Maybe this will make you feel better...

If I were traveling with you...

YOU would definitely NOT be the FIRST crazy bitch tossed out on her ass.

Break out the Vodka and Xanex bitch because you are going to fucking need it!

June said...
May 4, 2010 at 10:02 AM

You are fucking crazy Woman!

I did a teen trip for 3 days and about lost my mind and damn near killed a few kids. The girls are the worst to keep track of because they like "hunting" on these trips.

I actually hate kids.
Pinkus is aware of this and tells his friends... it goes over real well.

Sarah With Scissors said...
May 4, 2010 at 10:02 AM

This is going to be some serious blog material... and another reason to drink. Really this is a good thing.

The Random Blogette said...
May 4, 2010 at 5:27 PM

Oh wow! I can't wait to see how this turns out.

Angelia said...
May 4, 2010 at 6:41 PM

Salt's right, you'll have plenty of blog material.

I'm not sure wtf is wrong with you. Is this a cry for help? Are you also self harming? Have to spoken to your Dr. about your need to torture yourself?

Do you have enough meds to cover the entire 6 days?

Tracie said...
May 4, 2010 at 8:14 PM

Isn't it funny how blogging changes our lives and gives the silver lining of blog fodder to every cloud.

Menopausal New Mom said...
May 4, 2010 at 11:11 PM

Holy Shit! What have you done! Glad you're taking the laptop on the road, you might want to consider a mini bar for yourself too.

adrienzgirl said...
May 5, 2010 at 2:48 AM

HOLY HELL! You have lost your mind. Not saying after reading this that you had one to lose to begin with, but seriously? I think I would rather spend a weekend letting people waterboard me and rip my toenails off with needle nose plyers and no anesthetic.

Good Lord woman!

Danielle said...
May 5, 2010 at 6:49 PM

They sell wine in small travel sized bottles. Stock up you crazy beotch!!!

gayle said...
May 6, 2010 at 2:57 PM

I am so glad it is you not me!! I would rather have my colonoscopy tomorrow!!