Ed and Daffy...Daffy and Ed

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So there's this dude Ed.

And there's this dudette Daffy.

They're both certifiably insane. I know insane when I see it.

I should link their names to their blogs, but at this point I've been mainlining coffee and R.ed B.u.l.l. for the last two days in an effort to stay awake and really the thought of taking the time and effort to do the linky thing is tantamount to climbing a fucking mountain with a goat on my back. I have no idea why I would have a goat on my back.

Did you know spell check in blogger doesn't recognize fuck as a misspelled word? How cool is that?

It would appear that Ed has some sort of shit show in which he proclaims the world's funniest bloggers and you get a crown, sphincter or spectre or some sort of sticky thing,  and world domination. I truly believe I could rock the hell out of dominating the world so I want to win. I could probably also rock the hell out of a sphincter.

Daffy..... What can I say about Daffy? If I were gay, I would so have sick, stalkerish, obsessive, want to hump your leg love for Daffy. Ok, I'm not gay and I still want to hump her leg. She's the one who nominated me for world dominance.

And even though I'm so fucking tired I tried to make my car go for five minutes this morning before I realized I was in neutral (all the while cursing like a truck stop whore because goddammit the car is only a year old)here I am posting. According to Ed's rules for world domination, I have to be funny all the time. Fucking stupid rule. I mean c'mon....NO ONE is funny all the time. My deep and thoughtful shit can be please stab me in the eye with a dull butter knife and force arsenic down my throat boring interesting too.

Ed - that's just a stupid rule. I say that fully recognizing I probably shouldn't call you stupid, and I'm not really, it's the rule I think is stupid.  You know, considering you hold my chance of world domination in the palm of your hand and all. Ok yes I'm calling you stupid. It's the caffeine, or the goat.

I haven't posted yet about happy hour that turned into happy 6 hours last Friday. Funny little things happened such as one of my perfectly respectable buds pulling down her pants in the middle of a bar to show people her tan lines. She had really great underwear on though so it was ok.

I had a fabulous time (apparently) chatting up a young, blond haired, blue eyed boy who sat down next to me at the bar.  I made him laugh until he spit beer through his nose and then I told him that he's just a baby, that I would "chew him up and spit him out" and that he's in "way over his head" in even contemplating what he's contemplating. I have no recollection of what he was contemplating nor do I have any recollection of saying ANY of this - three friends swear those exact words came out of my mouth. There was also someone recording it on an iphone. I've been keeping a close eye on You Tube.

I swear I'm a danger to myself and should not be left unsupervised. I'm thinking of starting my very own version of AA.

What was the point of this post? Oh yeah...world domination.

Were we talking about goats?

I actually used to have a goat. I grew up on a farm. The goat used to slide down the slide with me. There's a picture somewhere.

Ok, I'm just sorry for this post. I have sleep scheduled for Friday, so it will be better after that.

And just an update - have not heard from son, have not spoken to the boyfriend and I've worked 18 hour days every day so far this week. My front lawn could hide terrorist activity the grass is so fucking long. Any day now I expect the neighbours to riot and burn me at the stake.

Your comments and emails made me cry (fuckers). When I'm rich there will be new cars and designer shoes for all of you.


The Only Girl said...
May 12, 2010 at 3:45 PM

I'm wishing you some sleep. You clearly need it. And congrats on your nomination! Well deserved.

GunDiva said...
May 12, 2010 at 3:59 PM

You don't have to dominate the whole world, just YOUR world and you're doing a great job of it. But if you due figure out how to dominate the whole world, don't forget us little peoples (or your lezzie bloggie wife, co-bloggie mother to T!nK).

Salt said...
May 12, 2010 at 4:08 PM

I'm hiding out on your lawn right now MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAaaaa...

But no seriously, you deserve a day of rest, friend. Too much Red Bull is not good for you. I found that out the hard way.

Please find that photo of the goat on the slide. It would make me smile.

Erin said...
May 12, 2010 at 4:15 PM

You are funny as hell. I often wish I could be in the "funny blogger" category with you, Daffy, and Stir-Fry, but I'm just not that brilliant.


Danielle said...
May 12, 2010 at 4:25 PM

6 hour happy hours! Great concept that I have put into play on numerous occasions.
World Dominatrix huh? I think you have that in the bag!

Les said...
May 12, 2010 at 5:21 PM

I've never commented on your blog before but I do so love designer shoes! :) Seriously, you crack me up so I am cool with the whole world domination...good luck with that!If you win can we all have 6 hour long happy hours?

Mrsblogalot said...
May 12, 2010 at 5:23 PM

You are a shoe in for anything funny.

Sleep deprived or not!

You got this yo!

Anonymous said...
May 12, 2010 at 5:32 PM

I'm picturing you with a goat on your back and redbull in your hand, and thinking it's going to be damn difficult to sleep that way. But by all means, keep typing!

MiMi said...
May 12, 2010 at 5:38 PM

OMG, you're HILARIOUS when you're tired.
I hate goats.
Get some sleep.

singedwingangel said...
May 12, 2010 at 5:55 PM

Ok sweetie you need sleep and tons of it. Although I am fairly sure it wouldn't change your humor one bit..congrats on the nomination

SurferWife said...
May 12, 2010 at 6:40 PM

You have lost your everlovin' mind, Dual.

You don't need no stinkin' shitleg to tell you you're funny. (I call Ed shitleg. It's a term of endearment)

I was glad to see Daffy nominate you.

The Queen said...
May 12, 2010 at 7:29 PM

Fuck the car.. I want the shoes.. and I want to party with panty girl.. my bra still hangs with honor in a classy bar in Nebraska.. of the antlers of a moose.. or cow.. or suppin like that...

and.. if you have read me for more than 10 minutes you know my favorite blue thong panties are somewhere in the parking lot of the Walmart store in Nebraska..

let's rock this thing.

Logical Libby said...
May 12, 2010 at 7:31 PM

IF you start seeing unicorns please lie down IMMEDIATELY. Or chase after them, it might be fun...

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...
May 12, 2010 at 8:04 PM

Are you staring at said goat? We just did $3 margaritas at Claim Jumper's yesterday but mine did not come with a young thing I wanted to chew up and spit out. I'm pissed. And if you do your own version of AA, what on earth will your friend do who pulls down her pants to show her tan line? Is there a sun lover's anonymous...Panties Anonymous..

I'm tired, too. Been up since 4 this morning and I am still working at 4 this afternoon. Well, except for now.

Maybe you should get that damn goat to eat your front lawn.

Anonymous said...
May 12, 2010 at 8:23 PM

Someday I shall be as funny as you. When my kids are older, and I can drink more. Then I can be on Ed's stupid list.

Get some sleep girl!

Shoe Size 9 =)

Crazy Brunette said...
May 12, 2010 at 8:52 PM

I'm totally going with the goat whore face.

It absolutely CANNOT be the caffiene IV... I've had one for he last... oh 5 years or so. AND I'm certainly not fucking crazy.

I told Ed he was a douche... Although I AM NOT on the list and wasn't nominated! Can you fucking believe that shit???

I'd have said it anyway though! You know I would!!!!

Sorry you haven't heard from the evil spawn yet darlin. He'll call soon...

Cassandra said...
May 12, 2010 at 9:23 PM

I am wishing you some sleep, because you live in the same province I do and it concerns me that you're on the roads, but just so you know, you're fucking hilarious when you're sleep-deprived...

The best thing about teenagers is that they all grow up and see how stupid they once were.

The PWT said...
May 12, 2010 at 10:16 PM

Okay. Laughing at the goat almost made we wake the toddler! And frankly, CB took the last of my Xanex and The Queen stole my booze! I am immune to caffiene. I'd say I'm rooting for you and your world domination, but... well, I can't. As sure as I do, CB will suck up to The Queen and the beer tab crown will be hers! So, here's hoping you get some rest soon.

adrienzgirl said...
May 13, 2010 at 2:05 AM

So first off, I had no idea that Ed named his penis World Domination. That's pretty fucking bold right there. I mean, I guess that in order for him to feel all powerful, and since he is like any other man, constantly holding his manhood, I get naming your penis World Domination so that you can say that you hold IT (world domination) in the palm of your hand is sort of empowering. BUT really, it's just ballsy.

So I guess what I'm saying is Ed is one ballsy bastard. And you are way to classy to worry about whether or not a ballsy bastard with a cock named World Domination thinks. I mean shit woman, you get drunk and drink from stillettos! That is HIGH CLASS right there!

And you can't have Daff, I saw her first. So....pblttttt! (that's me sticking my tongue out at you.)

Oh, and I will take both my shoes and my car in candy apple red please! Thanks!

Also....I love you.

blueviolet said...
May 13, 2010 at 8:50 AM

You did not slide down a slide with a goat! Please, no!

I hope you hear from your son soon. If you want to , that is.

Aunt Juicebox said...
May 13, 2010 at 9:05 AM

Hang in there! You gotta get rich, or your plans at world domination will have to go on hold. Believe me, that shit takes lots of cold hard cash.

My Mercurial Nature said...
May 13, 2010 at 11:02 AM

GOATS...erm...DRINKS all around!

Okay, so life is sounding hectic, but you're amusing us...does that make it okay? Let me know when we can put in those car orders, and lord, Momma could use a new pair of shoes!

Anonymous said...
May 13, 2010 at 11:27 AM

Rock on w/ your sphincter toting self!!

Some old man down the road from my house has goats..never has to mow. I think it's a good concept! ;)

Sorry you haven't heard from your pup...but you will...he'll see the error of his ways!

Hillbilly Duhn said...
May 13, 2010 at 12:23 PM

LOL! Now I'm just wondering what exactly you would do with the sphincters...Cuz I'm sick like that.

*LLUVIA* said...
May 13, 2010 at 1:08 PM

Yes, Daffy is right to dominate you! You're fucking funny!

LiLu said...
May 13, 2010 at 3:15 PM

I really, really want to see the picture of the goat on the slide.

Linda Medrano said...
May 13, 2010 at 7:42 PM

world domination is good, Babe. Very good. And I know you could handle it in the right way. You could have your fill of boys in bars if you want and how fun would that be? Plus, you could just send the son to Military School. And I wear a size 8, Prada please! xoxoxo

gayle said...
May 13, 2010 at 7:58 PM

Congrats!! Hope you get some sleep soon!! Your son will come around but if he doesn't you will!! Love always wins!!

Menopausal New Mom said...
May 13, 2010 at 10:17 PM

World domination? Wow, glad you're just up the street :)

Hope you get some sleep and that blue-eyed blonde at the bar, just not at the same time!

Anonymous said...
May 14, 2010 at 12:08 AM

I don't know whether to laugh at the hilarity and insanity of this post or to hug you and embrace you until the rain stops...but totally NOT in a gay way, well unless of course you are hawt and well, hell, we all need a story to tell at parties when we are drunk. ;-)

Here's to world domination and world peace in your heart.


Anonymous said...
May 14, 2010 at 12:08 AM

I don't know whether to laugh at the hilarity and insanity of this post or to hug you and embrace you until the rain stops...but totally NOT in a gay way, well unless of course you are hawt and well, hell, we all need a story to tell at parties when we are drunk. ;-)

Here's to world domination and world peace in your heart.


Sammy K said...
May 14, 2010 at 12:29 AM

Good luck with your new job! I'm sure that everything will turn out just fine after a few wonderful hours of sleep on Friday. =)

As for the son situation, he'll get over it and come around eventually. We kids don't forget easily, just like you moms. ;)


Daffy said...
May 14, 2010 at 2:16 PM

You know I adore you and your goat ass.

That is all.