Should Have Left The Wall Up

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I have managed to reach the ripe old age of 37 without having my heart broken. It's not an accomplishment I'm proud of and one I can no longer claim.

He broke my heart.

Now before the blogging world bands together and you all hunt him down and rip his testicles out let me explain. We'll see if I can do it without short circuiting my keyboard with my tears.

I went into this relationship with my blue eyed boy knowing what he does for a living. Knowing that he drives a truck and is gone 90% of the time, and LOVES what he does. I knew all that, and yet I fell in love with him anyway. My bad....

I also went into it with a little voice in the back of my head that said, from day one, he's going to hurt you. He says and does all the right things, but somehow someday he's going to hurt you. I put duct tape over the bitches mouth and buried her deep under my happiness.

It came to a head this week. I was looking forward to him being home on Friday. I was sooo looking forward to seeing him after two weeks. On Thursday he texted me that they had turned him around back to the states and he wouldn't be home. I went vaginal on him (that phrase comes from an amazing lady, I can't take credit for it). I was hurt, and angry and I needed him to assure me that he would somehow figure out a way to make this work, that he would do something, anything to ensure that we made this relationship work, that he wanted it to work as much as I did. He couldn't, or wouldn't. I think it's more wouldn't. I can't accept wouldn't. I can't be in this relationship feeling as though I'll always come second. That I'm the one who will make all the sacrifices to ensure the relationship grows.

So on Friday I sent him a text that I needed him to stop driving for 10 minutes and focus on us. I needed him to talk to me. He didn't respond and I haven't heard from him since. This may sound very strange to you and abrupt. It doesn't surprise me. My blue eyed boy loves to have control, he does not deal well with demands. I made a demand and he chose not to respond to it. His lack of response says so much more than any words ever could. I can't be with someone that has such little respect for us, for me.

It could have turned out so differently if he had somehow just shown me that I was important. That we mattered. I'm a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words. It's easy to say I love you, showing it isn't as easy. Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs. I can't be in a relationship feeling as though I'm an option. I deserve more than that.

I had no idea I could cry like this.

You know the crazy thing, I keep expecting him to pull in my driveway and wrap me in his arms and tell me he loves me. I know in my head it won't happen, but my heart keeps hoping.

The memories are killing me. He would call me and sing to me when I couldn't sleep. His smile when he walked in the door after not seeing me for two weeks made my heart sing. The total feeling of safety and love that washed over me when he put his arms around me. The way he made me laugh. I miss picking up the phone and hearing "Hi baby" in that beautiful baritone voice. Falling asleep with his entire body wrapped around mine. Those blue eyes that I lost myself in. I miss him so much. I miss all the things we're never going to have.

Goddammit it is not fair. I want to stamp my feet and rage at the fates that brought him into my life to hurt me like this. I can't because no matter how much I hurt right now, no matter how much the memories are killing me, I wouldn't give them away even if it meant stopping the pain.

He once said to me, "I want to dance with you in the rain ." I'll never get to dance in the rain with him....


adrienzgirl said...
February 6, 2011 at 7:28 PM

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Someone wise said that a long time ago.

Tis true my dear! You'll heal. I'll leave you to your pain. Lots of love!

adrienzgirl said...
February 6, 2011 at 7:28 PM

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Someone wise said that a long time ago.

Tis true my dear! You'll heal. I'll leave you to your pain. Lots of love!

GunDiva said...
February 6, 2011 at 7:31 PM

Oh honey...

Sending hugs and virtual kleenex your way...

Along said...
February 6, 2011 at 10:16 PM

Oh, the sadness...fuck, now I'm crying at work!

This will hurt for a while but time will heal. Don't push away the memories because if anything they should remind you that you deserve all the happiness you can get in this life.

I hope you'll find that happiness again.

Anonymous said...
February 6, 2011 at 11:53 PM

it doesn't feel like it, but you'll be okay. Logically, you know that. Emotionally, you don't, I know...

have a drink or two, cry when you need to, and just get through the days. One day you'll wake up and the sun will shine, and you won't hate getting out of bed.

Anonymous said...
February 7, 2011 at 12:00 AM

I'm so sorry. Oh how that pain hurts. I hate that you're going through it. {{{HUGS}}}

Anonymous said...
February 7, 2011 at 1:19 AM

Aw... Im sorry. I know it sucks. Cry all you need. Get it all out. Throw stuff and scream if you have to.

Kaylen said...
February 7, 2011 at 3:38 AM

Cry cry cry!!!! And live in the sorrow...because the next time you fall for someone, you will appreciate the love even more!!

It will get better, it really will. If it's meant to be, it will be...and it sounds like it might not be a good fit right now. Maybe you'll come together again some day, maybe not. But you will always know the love you are capable of, and someday, someone will truly appreciate that love and you will cherish them more than you thought possible--and all because of this sad broken heart you have right now. So live it, learn from it and move forward!!

Thinking of you!!!

blueviolet said...
February 7, 2011 at 10:51 AM

This is really sad, and you need to take some time to grieve over it. It will get better, but I'm so sorry that you're hurting.

MindyMom said...
February 7, 2011 at 10:53 AM

HUGE hugs to you. :(

Drama Queen said...
February 7, 2011 at 11:00 AM

Wow...My heart hurts for you...and as trite as it sounds, it really does get better...but in the meantime, it's going to suck big time. I've been there - I've cried - I've cursed - I've hurt. Take one day at a time and just breathe and remember to take care of YOU. YOU matter.


Yankee Girl said...
February 7, 2011 at 4:20 PM

I hate that you are hurting.

I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better....there are a million cliches....but I am sorry.

Danielle said...
February 7, 2011 at 6:50 PM

I HATE this! I really do want to rip his testicles out.

gayle said...
February 8, 2011 at 8:40 PM

My stomach is just sick for you! I'm so sorry this had to happen!

Menopausal New Mom said...
February 8, 2011 at 11:33 PM

What the Hell! Oh hon, I was so so happy he was in your life and now this? Mother****er!!!!

What is wrong with men? Yes Men! Anyone who pretends every man hasn't been a total jackass at one time or another is just kidding themselves.

I'm so sorry :(

The Queen said...
February 9, 2011 at 9:39 PM

If you love it, set it free.. if it comes back, it's yours to keep.. if it doesn't

hunt the fucker down and kill him!

June said...
February 10, 2011 at 8:56 AM

Big Time.

I own this Tshirt and it took a long time for me to rip the bastard off.

Hang in there.
Bunches of hugs!

GB Girl said...
February 11, 2011 at 10:34 PM

I read this when you posted it, but haven't had a chance to come back and comment. You've been on my mind alot. I'm so sorry. Heartbreak sucks. It's just the suckiest, suckfest of all sucks and I hate it for you.

If it makes you feel better, I've been flipping off every truck driver I see on the roads. Just in case it's him.

Hang in there lady. It will get better. I promise. And when you're ready, we'll talk about revenge. ;)