I have managed to reach the ripe old age of 37 without having my heart broken. It's not an accomplishment I'm proud of and one I can no longer claim.
He broke my heart.
Now before the blogging world bands together and you all hunt him down and rip his testicles out let me explain. We'll see if I can do it without short circuiting my keyboard with my tears.
I went into this relationship with my blue eyed boy knowing what he does for a living. Knowing that he drives a truck and is gone 90% of the time, and LOVES what he does. I knew all that, and yet I fell in love with him anyway. My bad....
I also went into it with a little voice in the back of my head that said, from day one, he's going to hurt you. He says and does all the right things, but somehow someday he's going to hurt you. I put duct tape over the bitches mouth and buried her deep under my happiness.
It came to a head this week. I was looking forward to him being home on Friday. I was sooo looking forward to seeing him after two weeks. On Thursday he texted me that they had turned him around back to the states and he wouldn't be home. I went vaginal on him (that phrase comes from an amazing lady, I can't take credit for it). I was hurt, and angry and I needed him to assure me that he would somehow figure out a way to make this work, that he would do something, anything to ensure that we made this relationship work, that he wanted it to work as much as I did. He couldn't, or wouldn't. I think it's more wouldn't. I can't accept wouldn't. I can't be in this relationship feeling as though I'll always come second. That I'm the one who will make all the sacrifices to ensure the relationship grows.
So on Friday I sent him a text that I needed him to stop driving for 10 minutes and focus on us. I needed him to talk to me. He didn't respond and I haven't heard from him since. This may sound very strange to you and abrupt. It doesn't surprise me. My blue eyed boy loves to have control, he does not deal well with demands. I made a demand and he chose not to respond to it. His lack of response says so much more than any words ever could. I can't be with someone that has such little respect for us, for me.
It could have turned out so differently if he had somehow just shown me that I was important. That we mattered. I'm a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words. It's easy to say I love you, showing it isn't as easy. Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs. I can't be in a relationship feeling as though I'm an option. I deserve more than that.
I had no idea I could cry like this.
You know the crazy thing, I keep expecting him to pull in my driveway and wrap me in his arms and tell me he loves me. I know in my head it won't happen, but my heart keeps hoping.
The memories are killing me. He would call me and sing to me when I couldn't sleep. His smile when he walked in the door after not seeing me for two weeks made my heart sing. The total feeling of safety and love that washed over me when he put his arms around me. The way he made me laugh. I miss picking up the phone and hearing "Hi baby" in that beautiful baritone voice. Falling asleep with his entire body wrapped around mine. Those blue eyes that I lost myself in. I miss him so much. I miss all the things we're never going to have.
Goddammit it is not fair. I want to stamp my feet and rage at the fates that brought him into my life to hurt me like this. I can't because no matter how much I hurt right now, no matter how much the memories are killing me, I wouldn't give them away even if it meant stopping the pain.
Small But Mighty
4 weeks ago