Do's And Don'ts of Being A Houseguest

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Consider this my PSA for the week. I swear to fuck my head is going to explode and brain matter is going to come spewing out of both my nose and ears. As you all know the famille is home (insert long, drawn out, hyena like scream). I've written before about my sister, and the time she came home and both she and her daughter had lice and she thought I was overreacting when I sprayed everything with 120% proof insecticide and washed the bedsheets twenty eleven times a day.

So do's and don'ts of being a proper houseguest.


Pick up behind yourself, and your daughter. Yeah, the 11 year old's underwear on the kitchen floor? Pretty fucking sure it's going to get shoved down her throat.

Wash the dog shit (or what looks like it) off your feet before curling up on  your hostess's couch. Better yet, how 'bout washing your entire body? What a concept, I know.


Allow your child to walk around the house carrying your hostess's laptop by the screen. What sort of fucking neanderthal does that?

Wait until your hostess gets finished working a 14 hour day and then tell her you're too tired to make up the air matress for your daughter to sleep on. Oh and you probably shouldn't FUCKING STAND THERE AND WATCH as your hostess inflates the air matress, digs out the linens and makes up the bed. You know you're just asking for an elbow to the jugular bitch. You'll find yourself out in the woods with the rest of the damn wildlife.

Don't fucking sigh when your hostess tells you she gets up at 6:00am to get ready for work. It's just too fucking shitty pants for you if the noise of your hostess making 1420 pots of coffee so that she can stay awake to work another 14 hour day wakes YOU up in the morning. Proper etiquette does not entail you then lamenting about the fact that you want to sleep in especially considering you've been off on holidays all fucking summer.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkk where's my gun?

Oh and let's not even talk about that goddamn skinny arse brother of mine, who each and every year manages to have a blissful, sister- free summer. Bastard.

Feel free to send your questions regarding proper houseguest etiquette to


GunDiva said...
August 17, 2010 at 2:26 AM

Too bad you don't get to choose your sibs, huh?

You'll make it through, you do every year right?

Just breathe and come up with creative ways to kill said sibs.

June said...
August 17, 2010 at 10:00 AM

How do you control yourself?
I can't believe she still has a head!

You are a saint for putting up with this shit...No doubt about it!

Lori E said...
August 17, 2010 at 10:36 AM

Ya, no that would not be happening. I never will tolerate someones kid doing something in my house I don't like nor would I allow mine to do anything like that.
As for the bigger ninny why is she there? Holidays? Pfffffft off with her head.

Salt said...
August 17, 2010 at 11:55 AM

Do you need me to come over there and bash some kneecaps? Those people would be on the street. Relatives or not. Especially after the underpants on the kitchen floor incident.

Hello? 11 years old is old enough to know where to drop your drawers.

And then we can go out for some drinks afterwards.

MindyMom said...
August 17, 2010 at 12:00 PM

You know...those 1.5 liter bottles of wine are pretty cheap and do wonders when comsumed while family members are staying at your house. Tip: DONT share!

Anonymous said...
August 17, 2010 at 12:42 PM

Better the drawers were dropped than the laptop I suppose. But seriously, wtf? Was your sister abandoned at birth and raised by cavemen?

Anonymous said...
August 17, 2010 at 1:24 PM

undies on the kitchen floor...ewwwww! Family or not they would be sleeping in the barn.

Steven Anthony
Man Dish~Metro Style

Danielle said...
August 17, 2010 at 4:20 PM

Move closer to a drive through liquor store. It worked for me. :)

Mrsblogalot said...
August 17, 2010 at 8:23 PM

What no body outlines on the floor yet?

I'm still laughing at the sound of your long drawn out hyena like scream-maybe you can do that at around 5:59 accident.

Crazy Brunette said...
August 17, 2010 at 9:50 PM

Holy shit bitch...Ii think I would have to kill someone and blame it on the neighbor!!!!

gayle said...
August 17, 2010 at 10:02 PM

I know I would be flipping out by now too!!

Logical Libby said...
August 18, 2010 at 12:23 AM

If that were my sister she would be buried in the backyard by now.


MiMi said...
August 18, 2010 at 3:24 AM

But. Huh??
What planet does she come from??
Is she really a pig under human skin?

Anonymous said...
August 18, 2010 at 4:12 AM

The carrying of the laptop by the screen would have been the last straw!! Heads would of rolled.

maybe you should start working on an alibi.... just sayin'.

Terry said...
August 18, 2010 at 2:59 PM

Undies on the kitchen floor?? Gag!! Barf!! Good luck!! May I suggest some arsenic in her coffee??

blueviolet said...
August 19, 2010 at 6:44 AM

I despise having houseguests. It's the absolute worst nightmare. I am so sorry!

The Queen said...
August 20, 2010 at 10:45 PM

I'm currently a guest at my daughter's house.. damn.. I gotta go find my dirty underwear.. be right back..

Linda Medrano said...
August 23, 2010 at 2:16 PM

Baby, I feel your pain. I had a husband who was like that. Wait! I still do!

Queen of Feisty said...
September 8, 2010 at 1:59 PM

Fuck blogger for deleting my comment. Asshole. Anyway. the MUCH shorter version is I laughed my ass off and peed a little when I read about the 4 year olds underware being shoved down her throat.

Thank you. I needed that.