The Ongoing Saga of the Teenage Driver

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I need you to talk me off the ledge because I'm about fucking ready to jump.

It has not been two weeks since Monty almost killed him and his brother. It will be two weeks this Saturday. I'm still having nightmares.

When I went to pick the kids up from their Dad's Wednesday night only Jimmy and Nora came out to the car. Where's Monty? Jimmy explains that Monty is staying at Dad's for the night because Dad is taking him to look at a car.

crickets

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crickets

So I sat there pondering what to do. Do I go in the house and force my 6'2" -200 pound, 18 year old son into the car? Yeah, I didn't think so either. Do I sit there waiting for Ex to get home and have a calm, rational discussion with him about this? Judging by the way my blood was pounding in my veins I'm not sure how calm or rational the conversation would have been.

So I left. I took the two kids who I won't be writing out of my will home and proceeded to worry, stress, and fume for the rest of the night. By yesterday morning, I had myself convinced that I was overreacting. They were, after all, just going to look, right? No harm in looking. I knew Monty didn't have nearly enough money in his account to purchase any type of vehicle so no harm no foul, right?

Keep in mind I have told you countless times I'm very good at deluding myself.

A million dollars to the person that can guess what was parked in Ex's driveway yesterday morning when I dropped the kids that I don't want to hang from their fucking toenails off. That's right, a sparkly, rust colored, four door Sunfire.

blink

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In the house I go. Did you hear the results of that conversation clear across the country? That's what I thought....

Let me tell you something about Ex. He does not argue with me. He does not raise his voice, he does not shout, he does not get emotional. It makes me want to punch him in the fucking face. Goddamn fight with me would you!!! What ensued was without a doubt the worst fight I've had with Ex and Monty. They do not understand my fear, they do not understand my anger over not being consulted about this purchase, they do not get that as a mother, it's my god given fucking right to be hysterical at the thought of my son killing himself because he's too arrogant and cocky to drive defensively.

As I stood there looking at the two of them I realized I was fighting a losing battle. Monty is his father's clone, it was like arguing with two Ex's. It gave me chills. In their mind, it's absolutely necessary Monty has a vehicle (I know, makes no good goddamn sense to me either) and I am the irrational, overprotective mother.

Accept the things you cannot change? That's always been a difficult pill for me to swallow. So I left Monty with his father. Not only because of the car issue but because I'm tired of being treated like a second class citizen by my son. I'm tired of being told that I don't know what I'm talking about, that my opinion does not matter, and that essentially I'm stupid. I know all teens think their parents are stupid. I know this. Thinking it and saying it are two different things. I don't have to listen to it in a house that I work two fucking jobs to pay the mortgage on.

Yeah, I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm frustrated.

But mostly, I'm scared. I'm scared of when (not if) that phone call comes, or worse yet it won't be a phone call, it will be a knock on the door telling me my son isn't coming home again.

It's not an irrational fear (is it?). I feel this to the very core of my being. It's a sense stronger than anything I've ever had before in my life. And it scares me. He tempted fate once, what if he's not as lucky the next time?

Ok, you can proceed to talk me off the ledge now.

15 comments:

Menopausal New Mom said...
September 10, 2010 at 9:46 AM

Holy Crap! I am so with you on this one. You have every right to go "apeshit" for not being consulted over such a big decision about one of "YOUR" children.

Tell me which ledge you're hanging on and I'll drop by with a big bottle of vodka!

As a matter of fact, I think I'll join you, today I posted about the hubby's ex in my blog and it's starting to piss me right off!

Danielle said...
September 10, 2010 at 10:35 AM

I wish I could say something but since my daughter is only 3, I have no grounds. I will say that if I were in your spot, I would be just as fearful. I would be pissed and irrational too.

BUT... we can't keep them safe forever. We need to load them with knowledge and fear.

Tell the ex that he has to go to a driving class first. Show him accident pictures, take him to a fire station and let him talk to firemen (go with him and flirt) that have seen teenage accidents, make him go to speakers that have killed someone or had someone close to them die. Maybe a MAD conference.
I don't know girl but I will meet you and Meno mom with a bottle of wine!

The Only Girl said...
September 10, 2010 at 11:37 AM

Oh no - I'm so sorry! It's not an irrational fear you have, it's a Mothering fear.

Has he taken a defensive driving course? Maybe you insist he take one (or even a second) to make you more comfortable with this new purchase.

They both need to understand your reaction is fear driven. Does he know you've been having nightmares since the accident? How afraid you are that it will happen again but with a different ending?

Wish I had better advice for you.

Steven Anthony said...
September 10, 2010 at 12:28 PM

I think you are a wonderful mother, so many dont care what happens to there kids, but you do and are willing to stand up for it...bravo!

now, as far as him driving, no advice...just breath and pray.

hugs

The Blue Zoo said...
September 10, 2010 at 2:09 PM

I would be terrified too.

But he does need to learn to drive. Are there classes he can take to make him a better driver? Or some deal you can make where he isnt allowed to have anyone in the car with him?

kyooty said...
September 10, 2010 at 6:14 PM

You are so right to be very angry because everytime your X makes a decision with your son instead of with you? he's giving your son the example that your opinion,ideas, and feelings don't matter nd that's not fair. It's not fair because you left "that" idea when you left him. (you left right? or when you xed)
They teach courses over here about how to "coparent" before divorce? Do they do that there? Can you both go talk "without kids?" (you know cause even large teens are still kids) I know you can't take ht ecar away but you can make rules together with your X to coparent the car? cause a kid with easy access to "his" car? OMG that's so not a great idea, the car is the privileged not a right!

Let me continue to believe my hubbie will be smarter? when my 3 boys get to driving age? please? it could just be a MALE gene thing?

Mrsblogalot said...
September 10, 2010 at 7:32 PM

No fear is irrational if it's a fear. That may not make sense but I'm trying to keep your mind off it.

Fears of the heart are hard to shake. Other than stapling him down to the basement floor, all you can do is get off the ledge and nag him to be careful every second of his life.

Hopefully, he'll hear the fear more than the nag and be even more careful.

GB Girl said...
September 10, 2010 at 10:44 PM

I can't believe they are treating you like this. You should punch them both in the face. A mom's gut feeling is nothing to mess around with.
I would take those keys and hide them until you feel he's deserved the right to get behind the wheel again.
The defensive driving course is not a bad idea. Do they also offer an attitude adjustment course?

Hang in there Dual Mom.
I don't drink wine or vodka, but I'll bring the whiskey and cupcakes. :)

rxBambi said...
September 10, 2010 at 11:02 PM

I'm gonna be the unpopular one (which I really hate) BUT they all need to grow up sometime.

as I've told you before, I've been thru it 5 times already and #6 will be 16 in a couple months.

It's scary. It sucks. I hate waiting up for them.

Advice: if you feel he's not a "good (safe) driver" make him take more classes. They aren't JUST for permit holders. I'm sure that if you contacted a drivers ed place and explained that you thought he needed more instruction they'd be more than happy to take your money.

Also, having been the ex that's had to purchase all five (almost 6) cars for the girls, I'd be grateful that that's one less expense.

call your drivers ed school. you'll feel better.

xox

alley said...
September 11, 2010 at 12:02 AM

I know its scary, but are you planning to drive the kid every where he needs to go for ever?

That being said, no way does a kid who just had a major crash need someone to go buy him a new car . . . . I bought all my cars from the time I was 16. Thats the part I don't get.

Crazy Brunette said...
September 11, 2010 at 12:05 AM

One- They are not allowed to treat you that way. Tell them I fucking said so damnit!

I'm so sorry your son scared the shit out of you! I can't even imagine if that would've been my baby brother!

Love ya bitch!

GunDiva said...
September 11, 2010 at 1:48 AM

Can I just say that 18 year old boys are stupid fuckers? Trust me, I own one of my own. Don't know if it helps - in fact it won't - but their frontal lobe doesn't fully develop until their mid-20s. Yeah, doesn't make me feel any better when people tell me that either.

Fuck it, scoot over on the ledge, I'm joining you.

gayle said...
September 11, 2010 at 3:01 PM

Oh sweetie I know how scared and upset you are and I agree!!! Don't really know what to say to make you feel any better. Just hope that you son got so scared that he will be a better driver. My oldest totaled her car driving in the rain on cruise control and ever since then she has been much more careful. Hugs!!

Mae Rae said...
September 13, 2010 at 10:52 PM

I cannot talk you off the ledge. I can however give you a life line to hang from if you strap it to the wall behind you. You are more than correct in your fear...

I will leave it at that

Linda Medrano said...
September 14, 2010 at 3:22 PM

Sweetheart, I don't blame you for being furious. That said, you do need to calm down now. Your 18 year old boy needs a car. He needs to drive. My son went in the Navy at 18. I was really relieved. They kept more control of him than I could have.