Three Minute Update

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What are you looking at? It's only been two weeks - ok dammit closer to three but seriously - do we need to be that specific? Did you even notice I was gone? Ok -  I know some of you have because I've been getting emails that say "Where the fuck are you?"

I'm here I'm here. You'll have to forgive me. I live on an island people. It's summer. Do I really need to explain myself? This time of year means endless days spent laying on the beach (I fucking refuse to heed the warnings of doctors and stay "inside" between the hours of 11:00am and 3pm to avoid the sun at peak strength.....yes I fully realize I'll be laughing out of my asshole when they have to cut my face off because I have skin cancer). It also means it's watermelon margarita season.

So what have I been up to aside from slothing around the beach and drinking too much tequila (let's not bother mentioning the fact that not two posts ago I swore never to touch the stuff again....thank you).

I'm being audited. These goddamn fucker assball shitholes (if you actually work for RC I'm not talking about you....obviously) can't seem to accept the fact that I've been seperated for 10 years without actually getting divorced and that my ex and I actually share custody of our children without having a million legal documents stating the fact. This is the THIRD time in 10 years I've been asked to provide proof that a) my children are actually my children (I'm considering taking pics of my fucking stretch marks and sending it along to them). b) that ex and I do actually reside in seperate residences

What makes this audit especially fun is that I can't find the kids birth certificates. I have tore the house apart and they are no where to be found. I'm thinking I must have tucked them away someplace "safe" when I moved two years ago. Obviously my  hiding spot was really damn safe. This means I have to get new birth cerfiticates to the tune of a gazzillion and one dollars.

I called time of death on my relationship. It was worse than leaving the father of my children.

Spending time with this little imp who is growing up much too quickly for my liking. The other two imps only require my presence when it's time to belly up to the trough or they need a drive somewhere. They don't deserve to have their pictures on my blog. Kidding, I love them all equally. Actually it has more to do with the fact that oldest child is working his arse off so it feels as though I haven't seen him in a dogs age and middle child never leaves his room so I sometimes forget that I actually have a middle child.

Working and fretting about paying bills. Aren't we all? Cursing the fates that I wasn't born into a disgustingly filthy rich family so that I would in turn be able to live the life of materialism I was meant for. This having to be a person of substance because I'm poor really sucks. I'd be so much better at being shallow and superficial.

There's other blah blah blah and yammer yammer's mundane shit. I've been catching your posts here and there but be sure to tell me if I've missed anything really juicy. I like juicy shit.


blueviolet said...
July 25, 2010 at 10:31 AM

That TOD was coming. I knew it. You knew it. It was due. But sorry it was tough.

I'm glad you've been having fun with the kids this summer!

Menopausal New Mom said...
July 25, 2010 at 12:11 PM

Welcome back!! Well too bad about the audit, totally sucks and of course, that's when the documents go missing.

I'd just keep drinking til the audit is done :)

June said...
July 25, 2010 at 12:29 PM

I ignore all those skin cancer warnings too... Yes, it may bite us in the ass later on but at least I have a great tan and the sun is my drug of choice.

Glad to see you around the block again.

Kat said...
July 25, 2010 at 1:25 PM

The sun helps with Vitamin D levels (I live in Ohio and we are ALL deficient here - and pale). I say soak it up as much as you can...and drink the margaritas! Welcome back!

Anonymous said...
July 25, 2010 at 1:33 PM

welcome back...missed ya;)

adrienzgirl said...
July 25, 2010 at 1:44 PM

Enjoy the summer mama. But then, I expect some snarky in your face stuff! Ya hear me? Seriously. Miss you!

GunDiva said...
July 25, 2010 at 1:51 PM

Missed you. Sorry about the death of the relationship - that sucks, but it'll be better in the long run. Gawd, don't you hate sentiments like that? Forgive me, it just slipped out.

Glad you're back, all tan and fabulous.

Anonymous said...
July 25, 2010 at 2:30 PM

Good to know that you are alive... Well for now.. Til all that skin cancer catches up with you anyways.

Just kidding! Sorta. I'll totally send you some sunscreen...

Sorry about the TOD on the relationship. Hoping you find prince charming soon!

singedwingangel said...
July 25, 2010 at 3:04 PM

Welcome back and I totally understand why you have been MIA.. the audit sucks majorly..

Tracie said...
July 25, 2010 at 6:08 PM

Sorry the TOD was so hard. I'm glad you went through with it though. Wear some sunscreen when you're lounging about on the water.

Anonymous said...
July 25, 2010 at 7:54 PM

Glad to hear you're surviving, margaritas always help. Sorry about the TOD, always rough. I called mine too. Never fun, harder on the kids than me at this point.

Men...Fuck 'em, right? Wait, that's what got us into trouble in the first place...

Mrsblogalot said...
July 25, 2010 at 8:20 PM

Welcome back! Warnings are so dramatic aren't they? I'm glad that you are enjoying the slothing. Watermelon drinks come in handy sometimes.

MiMi said...
July 25, 2010 at 8:52 PM

Well at least you've been having a good time and didn't ACCIDENTALLY get your face cut off or something.

Anonymous said...
July 25, 2010 at 9:05 PM

oh, girl. You don't even know. WE need to have a convo. stat.

Anonymous said...
July 26, 2010 at 4:23 AM

It seems we've been living parallel lives although I don't have a middle child either. Time of death has been called here too.

I think you should be sharing those margaritas...

gayle said...
July 26, 2010 at 10:34 AM

I've missed you!! Glad you are having fun this summer! Hate the aduit!!

Danielle said...
July 26, 2010 at 1:10 PM

That is no excuse to go all MIA on us. Now good break-up sex with a much younger guy would have been ok though. I want a good story damn it!!!!
Missed you much!

Ian said...
July 26, 2010 at 1:37 PM

That's some serious bullshit yo. I noticed you were gone but wasn't one of the millions to bother you about it. You were gone before and I knew you'd be back. Or if nothing else I'd let you outta my basement.

Salt said...
July 26, 2010 at 2:49 PM

You've definitely not missed anything juicy over at my place. I have just come to the realization recently that I am exceedingly boring in the summertime.

I wish I had a beach to lay out and destroy my skin on every day. I'd never be here either. :)

I'm sorry about the audit! I couldn't find my birth certificate either when I went to get my passport. Worst case scenario, you can order new ones online.

Oh and I, for one, definitely realized your absence and it made me a sad panda. I'm glad you checked in!!

SurferWife said...
July 26, 2010 at 3:03 PM

I have felt your absense like a stab in the heart.

Had I known you were just tanning and drinking watermelon margs I would have changed my sad to jealous.

And your girl looks a lot like you. (From what I have seen of you!!)

Angelia said...
July 26, 2010 at 3:41 PM

Who can blame you for chilling on the beach instead of being inside typing!

Sorry about the audit. That sucks. :( They should mind their own business. Bastards.

Yankee Girl said...
July 26, 2010 at 6:13 PM

I've been looking for you...thanks for the update, though I am sorry about the hard time with the end of the relationship.

I hope things get better from here!

And I hear you on the fretting about paying's a pain in the ass, isn't it?

The Queen said...
July 26, 2010 at 10:28 PM

OH I feel for ya woman. Hey.. I've been looking for the manual to the wireless for months. I remember putting it on a shelve.. in the kitchen where it would be safe.. cause it had the password... I FOUND IT. I was packing and there it was.

I know what you mean about proving crap.. I have to prove to the government how I went from the name on my birth certificate to the name on my Nebraska Lic. so I can get a Kansas one.. they are just too stupid to figure out when women get married.. they change their name..

since it ended in divorce and I never changed it again... I have to find a copy of my marriage lic or my divorce papers from 30 years ago... like I'm sure I hung on to that crap.. I didn't even hang on to him!!

Anonymous said...
July 27, 2010 at 4:42 AM

Don't feel guilty about taking a break from you blog....what the hell do you think I have been doing. Interestingly enough...I had a similar post today trying to "explain" (make big ass excuses) as to where the hell I have been. I have not even left comments on my fave blogs. But today you gave me a free get out of jail card cuz you gave me nothing to comment upon!

Glad you're back. I hope to see ya at my place, but if your too busy beaching worries!

Cheers, Lisa

Erin said...
July 27, 2010 at 5:41 PM

Dude, it seems to me you have excuses aplenty for being MIA and we all understand! If I were in your shoes, I'd be beaching it and boozing it up every day. Thinking of you, hope things get better....

Aunt Becky said...
July 28, 2010 at 3:47 PM

I really want to live on an island. Can I move in with you?

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