30-Something Single White Female

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Holy fuck.

It dawned on me last night that THAT is exactly what I am. Sunday evening while sitting around drinking wine with my brother and his family (we were drinking the wine, the kids were having juice), he said to me, "Hey T, you could be a cougar now". After calling the paramedics to remove my fist from his face I pondered his statement for a bit.

I'm not one to shy away from a challenge, but hell it's been quite awhile since I have been single. I sure do hope being single is like riding a bike because me thinks I've forgotten how to do it (and yes..by it I think I may subconciously mean IT). Can I get a tutor?

So I googled cougar.

BIG mistake.

If I wasn't scared before, I am now.

As per urban dictionary, a cougar is defined as:

 An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man.  The cougar      can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are gaining in popularity -- particularly the true hotties -- as young men find not only a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.

A young man's drug of choice. Great.

Why am I even talking about this? Well, aside from the fact that I'm fucking retarded, it has been playing on my mind since my brother so delicately pointed it out to me. I've never gone for the younger guy. My husband was 4 years older than me. Recent Ex boyfriend was 5 years older than me, and we all know damn well how those relationships turned out. So I think when I'm ready (and honestly I think it's going to be a long time) I may have to change up my modus operandi.

The way I see it, I have several choices.

  1. Remain single. Purchase several cats and become the crazy cat lady who is seen walking the neighborhood in her "house dress", wearing bright pink lipstick smeared all over her mouth -  while talking to herself. Many years later I will be found dead in my home with half my face eaten by said cats.
  2. Hunt for some stud to fulfill my sexual requirements and throw him to the wayside when I've drained him of all life sustaining fluid (I'm obviously watching too many vampire shows).
  3. Become a cougar. Find a boy 10 years younger than me (would that qualify me for cougar status, do I get a membership card?) that I can mold into the perfect companion. All the while having my friends laugh behind my back at what a stupid OLD fool I am.
  4. Become a lesbian. Hey, I'm not ruling anything out at this point.
  5. Wisen the fuck up and quit worrying about how my tits sag and are bound to get lost in my back fat the first time I have sex* and just go with the flow.
So grrrrrrrrrrrrr??? Somehow I can't see it......

*I can't take credit for the hilariaty of that statement - Betty White uttered those words on a tv show I was watching last night. It was as though she was speaking to me.


Mae Rae said...
July 27, 2010 at 10:19 AM

I just wet my pants. Age or whatever is the reason, this post had me laughing so hard, i could not control it. Thank you, thank you, I really needed this laugh today.

singedwingangel said...
July 27, 2010 at 10:41 AM

OH man that last comment was the clincher.. that was hilarious.. the whole post was but the mental imagery with the final statement was the cherry on top..

Yankee Girl said...
July 27, 2010 at 11:01 AM

Going with the flow seems like the best option, but I really like #2. It could be so much fun!

Anonymous said...
July 27, 2010 at 11:41 AM

I think cougers are hot...but at my age she would have to be 80 to be one...lol

Salt said...
July 27, 2010 at 12:11 PM

Betty White has a brilliant way with words.
I think going with the flow is good. But if all else fails, the 10 years younger guy that you can mold however you want sounds good too. I certainly won't be calling you a fool.

Would not recommend the cats eating your face option.

Along said...
July 27, 2010 at 12:11 PM

#2..#2!! Do you really have to do a survey to ask which one sounds like more fun?

jessalyn said...
July 27, 2010 at 1:17 PM

i did the younger guy thing for a while (ok, not like 10 years, more like 4 years), and it was certainly fun, but it did not last. i am trying older on for size now....

hunting out younger men will at least provide some fab blog stories...

also, betty white rocks.

Brittney said...
July 27, 2010 at 2:12 PM

lol omg you are so funny!!!

That One Mom said...
July 27, 2010 at 4:18 PM

My ex-fiance was 7 years younger than me. His parents were awful and never accepted me, hence the "ex-fiance".

My current bf is my same age, divorced, and a father. We are definitely more on the same page, so to speak.

Tracie said...
July 27, 2010 at 5:15 PM

Option number one looks pretty good to me at this point.

Danielle said...
July 27, 2010 at 5:28 PM

Don't date anyone for a while. Come to Colorado and have some wine with me. We can go cat shopping afterwards.

Maggie said...
July 27, 2010 at 9:14 PM

I think I just peed a little from all the laughing.

I vote you decide to be a lesbian. Or at least bisexual!

Ed said...
July 28, 2010 at 12:42 AM

I'm 35, but we can pretend I'm 20.

gayle said...
July 28, 2010 at 2:31 AM

So glad you are back!!! lovin this!!!

MiMi said...
July 28, 2010 at 4:06 AM

But that picture of that cougar is pretty hot...weird, I know.

Angelia said...
July 28, 2010 at 12:24 PM

My husband is three years younger. Not that much, but enough that he is more gen Y and I am more gen X. It's strange sometimes, but works out great!

Find yourself a younger hottie! Embrace your 30 something sexy and go for it! Don't worry about the boobs or back fat! You are a strong, well spoken woman-any young thing would be more than happy to take you home and let you drain him!

SurferWife said...
July 28, 2010 at 1:34 PM

One of my BFF's mom's recently purchased a jag.

We named it The Couger Carrier.

I think you should do the same. Imagine the cubs you could swing on with that bad boy?

Tiffany said...
July 28, 2010 at 4:46 PM

my mom often remarks that she wonders why more women aren't lesbians. this is usually after my dad does something retarded though so, she might be biased.

my mom also just told me that my brother's friend (25) has a 40 year old girlfriend. i don't care how sexually gratifying for the guy it is--it's just weird.

Anonymous said...
July 28, 2010 at 4:56 PM

I say go with option 2. Sounds good to me.

Menopausal New Mom said...
July 28, 2010 at 10:12 PM

I love it!! The boyfriend before my hubby was 9 years younger than me and hubby is 12 years older. Obviously I'll go with any guy, any age!

Anonymous said...
July 29, 2010 at 12:02 PM

yu watch hot in cleveland?!

Anonymous said...
November 28, 2010 at 5:05 AM

As I was google "cougars" your post came up. If you ever decide to become one, I'm 20 and ready to learn all you can teach me ;)