If There's A Medal For Being a Fucktard...I Have It In The Bag

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Thunk.

That would be the sound of me falling off the face of the earth. I know. I'm such a fucktard.

So while trying to catch up on the 463 posts in my reader, I found Zgirl's post from today (okay I have to admit...I started this post last week!!!) and I'm stealing her idea. Don't worry, I warned her I was going to steal it.


So rather than bitch and complain about the multitude of people that make me want to stab them in the eye and kick them in the crotch on a daily basis - I'm going to bitch about myself. Fun, right?!!!! Let me clarify - I'm going to bitch about my drunk self. You see, happy hours have recently been turning into happy entire evenings that see me completely inebriated and saying totally inappropriate things to whomever passes within hearing range. I need to stop. Of course any armchair psychologists would tell you that I'm using alcohol as a means to escape my shitty relationship issues. Really though, isn't that one of the wonders of alcohol?
So let us begin shall we....10 things I hate about Drunk Dual Mom.

Brain/mouth filters. I struggle with this at the best of times. Add alcohol, mix gently, and the resulting chaos will be talked about for WEEKS to come.

1. The fact that when you are drinking - you don't see anything wrong or inappropriate talking about blow jobs with the Executive Director of Programs. To go as far as to offer such a service to this man if he cut your grass - yeah that might NOT have been one of your finer moments. Albeit the grass is really long and such a drag to cut. Yes, he was laughing with you, but upon sober reflection, he had to have been a tad bit shocked.

2. While laughing and joking with a group of contractors about the possibility of running for Mayor is good clean fun - suggesting to that same group of men that sleeping with all the male prisoners at the local jail to ensure votes probably wasn't such a classy move. To then proceed to put parameters around your whorishnish by stating the following: "But they can't have beards and they have to have large dicks". Oh Dual Mom....oh oh oh, there are no words.

3. Tequila is not your friend. Make a t-shirt, put it on a sticky note, tattoo it on your ass, whatever needs to be done to ensure you remember this.

4. The fact that when you get going, you have no idea when to stop. The absolute retardedness of mixing red wine, tequila shooters AND whisky is beyond comprehension. Grabbing the bottle of Crown Royal and filling a tumbler...yeah that's going to hurt the next morning. On the plus side you highly amused a friend when your reply to her saying to you, "Ummmm you don't want to do that" was "Oh wow, you're absolutely right...this drink totally needs ice".

5. Your ability to hear what you want to hear when inebriated. Pretty sure the waitress did NOT actually want you to so emphatically appoint yourself a member of her rugby team. When you turned to the girls and said, "Wait, when she refers to a SENIOR rugby team...she's using the word senior to mean really good at rugby rather than middle age, isn't she?" it caused them to fall off their chairs with laughter.

6. Bringing down a really expensive chair while holding onto it trying to balance yourself. Again, classy. Who knew wood and flesh made so much noise hitting a marble floor? Defending your actions by saying you were practicing for rugby tryouts probably didn't fool anyone.

7. I hate the fact that friends remember EVERY last goddamn word that I utter. Why can't they drink until they forget....like I do?

So just so you know, I am alive and kicking. I figured I had better let you know before someone sent out search and rescue. All is well. I just seem to be in a writing funk...ya know what I mean? Obviously this writing funk hasn't impaired my drinking abilities.

Ok c'mon dish....I want to hear tales of drunken debauchery. Please?


26 comments:

blueviolet said...
June 24, 2010 at 6:58 PM

I need some debauchery. Want some company?

June said...
June 24, 2010 at 7:11 PM

Hmmmm... seeing as I was just drawn as a stick figure with martini glass in one hand, bottle in the other (plus a string of pearls) it really makes me wonder. Do I tip too many cocktails? Are the BB Peeps onto my drunken chatting? Most likely.

Public drunk debauchery...I really shy away from that. I have left bruises on my soul from kicking myself so hard the next day after a night of absolutely no brain/mouth filter in place.
Oh Holy Hell. I have turned into my Mother.

Alex said...
June 24, 2010 at 7:20 PM

I have learnt the hard way to disconnect the internet connection before indulging in alcoholic beverages. Delete, delete, delete.

On another note, I still have the faint hope that getting drunk in public makes me funnier and more attractive (thank God for black outs). :)

middleagedcrazywoman said...
June 24, 2010 at 7:35 PM

No stories of my debauchery but I have seen quite a bit from my family (drunken showers to sober up 10 mins before a Christmas Eve Party, all the while singing Johny Cash at top drunken volume) and friends (throwing up on her boyfriend's TV remote then washing it to clean it off) to drink hard..

Well, THOSE and the fact that 1 drink makes me tipsy... sad. 3 coolers makes me drunk and unable to walk.. Very sad.

M

Salt said...
June 24, 2010 at 9:01 PM

I was JUST thinking earlier today about how I hadn't seen you post in awhile. I'm glad you're here!

I have that same problem with tequila. And mixing lots of different things that shouldn't be mixed. But for some reason it seems like such a great idea at the time. It's unfortunate that hangovers have to be so much worse the older you get.

I've done some stupid things. Got in a bar fight (thanks, Irish whiskey!). Got stuck in a bike rack. I would say that I have said ridiculous things, but that's all the time.

MiMi said...
June 24, 2010 at 9:15 PM

I've been wondering where the heck you were! I was gonna start sending some scouts out to find you!
And, okay, I'm lame, I've never been drunk. Don't laugh too hard!
But, the thing is, I say stuff even though I'm not drunk.
I told a gay dude that all guys should have "do not enter" tattooed on their asses...I don't even know what the eff we were talking about or why. I also said maybe there should be a tattoo on my ass that said, "caution, falling logs." Oy.

Mad Woman said...
June 24, 2010 at 9:42 PM

Oh PLEASE come drink with me!!! I love the things you say!

That One Mom said...
June 24, 2010 at 9:42 PM

LMAO about the Crown Royal comment! That's the funniest thing I've "heard" all day!

The Queen said...
June 24, 2010 at 10:12 PM

omg I want in.. this sounds like fun.. can we leave our bras hanging off the lights? Oh wait.. I've done that.. can we lose our panties in the walmart parking lot.. Oh wait,, I've done that.. I need new friends.. can I join you?????

middle child said...
June 25, 2010 at 12:03 AM

Well,...back in the "olden days", I do seem to remember telling one guy that my middle name was Easy. Opps!

gayle said...
June 25, 2010 at 12:15 AM

Oh the tales I could tell!! Plus my kids think I am drunk when I haven't had a thing to drink!!

Lynne Peterson aka Advocate Mom said...
June 25, 2010 at 9:16 AM

I'm glad to see you're back and happy to know you've been having some fun! :-) Cheers!

Mae Rae said...
June 25, 2010 at 10:30 AM

OMW Dual, I was laughing so hard. I love the fact that you can admit that Tequila is not your friend. "We" have that same relationship. My tolerance is very low for that sucker and he knows it.
The one about the senior rugby team...bwaa ha ha...laughing at you, not with you...I meant the other way around..yup, thats what I meant.

The Only Girl said...
June 25, 2010 at 10:45 AM

Yay! Glad to see you!

Ummm - I haven't been drunk since that wedding last summer. Now that I'm older, it just hurts too much to bother.

Yep - I'm lame. And old.

~J said...
June 25, 2010 at 11:13 AM

I was starting to worry about you!! Was gonna send Momma Fargo out for you actually! Glad you're alive!

I'm lmao at your list....I'm serving Tequila tomorrow at the family shindig...I think between my 72 year old Granny & myself...some stories will ensue!

I once got trashed..threw tacos all over a girlfriends car..(she was still finding them the next week under seats...ewww) and apparently thought everyone in eyeshot of myself wanted to fight me....yeah, I think I was quite the show.

Yankee Girl said...
June 25, 2010 at 2:30 PM

I am all too familiar with public drunkenness. It only takes one drink for me to convince myself that people WANT me to get drunk and out of control. And then I start streaking...and have to sit in the back of a police car, naked, until I can reach someone to bring me my clothes.

Vinomom said...
June 25, 2010 at 2:33 PM

Glad to finally hear from you! Hope you enjoyed your reprieve.

God the stories I could tell. I've had my car stolen by a one night stand. I slept with a guy like 3 times and thought he was someone else. I slept with a married guy (didn't know at the time) in a truck in a parking lot.

All mine are Slutty. I'm sure I said a lot of dumb shit too, but thats what black outs are for. :)

Tracie said...
June 25, 2010 at 3:41 PM

I'm convinced that tequila is a legal hallucinagenic. (I can't spell that and I'm too lazy to look it up.) In college I had a "Tequila Twin". Her name was Tiffany and she was very, very bad.

Danielle said...
June 25, 2010 at 4:41 PM

All I can say is, THANK YOU GOD that you live in another state! I would be right there with you and I am too old for that!!!! :)
Glad you are still alive!
I need to know if you have gone to "that one bar"??? You know the one I am talking about!

Linda Medrano said...
June 25, 2010 at 5:13 PM

We don't "do" tequila anymore. Too risky! Now a little wine (or more) every day is good for your heart! Plus lots of booze makes us smarter, prettier, and so much sexier. Uh huh.

Eternally Distracted said...
June 26, 2010 at 5:40 AM

Alcohol should come with a warning but what fun would that be for sober people? i am afraid to say that I would be in your gang too...

AnotherDayofCrazy said...
June 26, 2010 at 12:45 PM This comment has been removed by the author.
AnotherDayofCrazy said...
June 26, 2010 at 12:46 PM This comment has been removed by the author.
Crazy Brunette said...
June 26, 2010 at 8:02 PM

Yep, I've got 113 in my Reader...

Offering blowjobs, hand jobs etc... IS COMPLETELY acceptable in exchange for yard maintenance!

*LLUVIA* said...
June 27, 2010 at 12:42 AM

I got 28 (thank gawd for mark as read).

I give my husband BJ's when I want new shoes. Is that prostitution?

One time, drunk, I walked to the stage of a karaoke bar and took off my top. Got kicked out of the bar.

adrienzgirl said...
June 27, 2010 at 2:23 AM

OMG! First, I can't believe I missed this.

Second, you know what? Fuck everybody else.

I made a motto, way back when, you know, when I drank too much and won't or couldn't remember the next day.

All my friends or as it were colleagues, sometimes even bosses would try to tell me the next day what had transpired the night before( broken cheek bone, lost $500 Vercaci glasses, lost virtue not withstanding) and each and every time. I would give them all, my motto.

which is....

DR. DR. DH

Don't remember,

Don't recall.

DIDN'T HAPPEN.

And friends inevitably want to tell you just this one thing.

Um...there is a reason I have chosen to BLOCK IT OUT!