Coloring Outside The Lines

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I live in a black and white world. I should clarify that. I INSIST on living in a black and white world. When life has the audacity to throw shades of gray at me, I simply get out my trusty set of crayolas and color the damn thing. Well shit bricks and throw rocks at airplanes, my black and white crayons are worn down to the nub and the local craft store seems to be out of these very colors. What the hell???

What the hell seems to be my motto these days. It's no one thing in particular but a culmination of life happenings that has me going, "Okay slow the fuck down because Dual Mom is having trouble keeping up".

The 18 year old little fucker darling son is back home, apology in hand. Black and white, check. What's not so black and white? He got his license last week and it has me spinning. Let me explain (I're rolling your eyes at me...I can FEEL it, stop it). I've never been a helicopter parent. I firmly believe kids need to experience bumps and bruises to enable them to deal with this wonder we call life. I've never worried about my kids being stolen out of the public park, I've had my daughter split her head open and I didn't blink an eye. My son fell off my mother's second floor deck when he was two years old (I was 8 months pregnant at the time) and I managed to get him to a hospital, sit through hours of xrays and CAT scans, all without going into labour and losing my fucking mind. So I'm able to keep my shit together right, strength in the face of adversity? Right?

The fact that my son has his license has me wanting to down gallons of tequila or 150 proof vodka whenever I think of him driving. He's 18, it's time that he had his license right? WRONG people, what the hell does he need his license for when he has two perfectly good parents with tons of driving experience to drive his ass around? I have a completely irrational fear of my children driving. I  have clear, vivid scenarios playing out in my head of receiving a call from the RCMP saying that my son has been in a car accident. Complete scenarios people- where the whole dialogue plays out in my head complete with crystal clear images. The severity of the accident varies by the day. I seriously feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

Until last night, I've been able to hold my shit together because even though he has his license, he has no car. His father and I have told him he needs to pay the insurance fees to be put on as a second driver on either of our vehicles. Last night he came home and said to me, "I got a truck". I spun around so fast I swear I heard my neck crack - "What the hell do you mean you got a truck, where the hell did you get a truck, what the hell are you talking about, oh sweet jesus tell me it's not true". Apparently Gramps (Monty's paternal great-grandfather) has GIVEN him his truck. Gramps has Alzheimers and it has reached the stage where he's no longer able to drive. Well fuck Alzheimers all to hell.

Of course I can't tell him he can't have the goddamn truck. What the hell kind of mother would do that? As I stood there looking at the grin which was totally encompassing Monty's face, tears started pouring down my own face and I said to him, "Please buddy, please please be so careful when you're driving. I couldn't handle it if something happened to you". Do you know what the little fucker did? He laughed at me, told me I was being foolish. The worst part is....I know I'm being foolish. I know this level of fear is completely irrational. The goddamn black crayon won't color this level of gray.

The relationship with boyfriend. How can I give you the facts in a succinct, short manner?

  • We've been together for 8 years
  • He's sick, has been on dialysis for 2 1/2 years, waiting for a kidney transplant
  • I don't love him. No that's not true, I do love him. I'm not in love with him. I'm not happy. I'm miserable with him actually. I don't use the word miserable often. I'm not one prone to misery.
  • He's not happy, but I've realized over the last year he's not a "happy" person and he's ok with that. This is a huge issue with me.
  • He loves me. I'm his life. He lives and breathes for me.
  • I'm scared if I end our relationship, it will take away his will to live.
Those are the facts. There is so much more than just the facts though. There's 8 years of history, there's the relationship he's developed with my children. There's guilt. Mostly, there's unhappiness which I just try to ignore. The goddamn white crayon won't color this one.

I need to decide within the next 5 days whether or not I'm willing to dish out $3,800 (plus spending money) to send Jimmy to Europe on a school trip next year. Twelve days in Paris, Rome and the Riviera studying art and history. Can you imagine? I cannot convey to you just how much I want to give him this opportunity, to open his world like this. To give him such an incredible experience that I myself never had as a child. Isn't that what all parents want, to give their children opportunities to fly like the wind? $3,800 will require the selling of body parts. Five days to decide what organ I'm willing to live without. No, boyfriend won't buy my kidney, I've asked.

When I was away I had the chance to visit with oldest sister for an afternoon. She been diagnosed with MS. That would make both sisters diagnosed with MS in the last five years. Fuck me. She's not dealing very well with it. She has no family around to help her. I feel utterly useless. Let's not talk about my odds on this one. The experts seem to be split on whether this thing is genetic. Russian roulette anyone? I've tried coloring that one with both the black and white crayon to no avail.


Those are the big things that have been playing on my mind and preventing me from writing and reading. I just feel as though I have nothing to give back to you so I haven't written because we all know this blogging gig is a game of give and take. The worst of it is, I miss you guys. I miss the give and take.

Anyone have crayons they can lend me?


*LLUVIA* said...
June 2, 2010 at 9:21 AM


aaaawwww....I'm sorry.

YOu can borrow my crayons for as long as you want.

Anonymous said...
June 2, 2010 at 9:26 AM

Fuck me ( a very British saying, not sure if it translates well in the US...!!) I'll send you a whole box of colours if it would really help.

But truth is it seems like you are facing some really tough stuff at the moment. They say it comes in threes - you got four biggies - that's just not fair.

I have no words of wisdom because there is nothing I can offer except a note from bloggyland to let you know I'm thinking of you and thank fuck you got those fab new shoes to tempt a small smile!!

Anonymous said...
June 2, 2010 at 9:31 AM

That's why God gave us wine and girlfriends--for when black crayons don't work.

And wine doesn't make things black and white again, but for a few minutes anyway--you wont care so much. :)

Go have wine is the best advice I can give you. Take a mental break from all the crap. It will be here tomorrow.

I love ya, Friend.

June said...
June 2, 2010 at 9:32 AM

The Little Fucker... funny how we also dubbed that name for Pinkus when he is not in ear shot. Used frequently too!

I'm sorry to hear that gray is the dominant color in your world right now. Time to break out that Hot Red crayon and do some serious coloring.

Been missing you as well.
Hang in there Dual Mom.

Brittney said...
June 2, 2010 at 10:18 AM

oh my hun *hugs* I would be worried shitless once my child starts driving too and i am one of those people that worries a lot A LOT A LOT i mean the whole scenerios of the worst things play thru my head on a daily basis.. youre not alone on that one. Now as for your boyfriend... if youre not happy youre not happy. My real dad was really sick and was dieing but my mom wasn't happy for a long time, and she stuck around for years b.c she was scared that if she left it would make things worst but she finally did and it was very hard for her but shes very happy now. You need to do whats right for you. ♥

Crazy Brunette said...
June 2, 2010 at 10:24 AM

Well shit...

I have a completely irrational fear of the opossums in the backyard...

Glad the little asshole is back... It better have been a damn good apology!!!!

BigSis said...
June 2, 2010 at 10:28 AM

Advocate Mom is right. I would bring the fucking sharpies, the lottery winnings and a case of wine if I thought I could help.

You've got some tough things to deal with and I know you are strong enough to do it. But, it isn't much fun, is it?

Know that your bloggy buds are here for you. Let me know if you need an ear or a shoulder.


Menopausal New Mom said...
June 2, 2010 at 10:35 AM

Oh Sweetie, you certainly have a lot on your mind. Wish I knew the right words or had the right liquor on hand to fix this for you.

GB Girl said...
June 2, 2010 at 10:39 AM

You can have all of my black and white crayons.
I'm so sorry you have all of this on your plate. I wish there was something I could say to make it all better for you, but I know there isn't.
Just know that your blogger peeps are here for you. Anytime. :)

Daffy said...
June 2, 2010 at 10:50 AM

I have crayons...a couple of boxes actually and they are all brand new. I could mail them to you :) If I keep them I may start jamming them in my ears and up my nose.

Hmmm....I don't think I'm coping well with this shit thing you call life....

TerresaE said...
June 2, 2010 at 11:42 AM

I like my world black and white too so my crayons are slightly used, but you can have them! Sounds like you need them more than I do at the moment.

RE: sending the kid to Europe - do it. You totally won't regret giving him that experience. Sure it will hurt your wallet like hell for a while, but he'll have a lifetime of memories and you a lifetime of satisfaction from it. Put up a button, I'll donate!

MindyMom said...
June 2, 2010 at 12:06 PM

I'm with AM and Big Sis: wine and girlfriends! And blogging! Seems to help me get through some shit storms with my sanity in tact anyway. Hang in there girl!

Aunt Juicebox said...
June 2, 2010 at 12:22 PM

I'm gonna start with the easy one. The trip to Europe. Don't send him. I know, sounds mean, right? But think about it. WHY does he have to go with school? You can always save your money for a family trip and take more than 5 days to do it. Plan it so you can go, and take all your kids (or make the 18 yr old pay part of his own way). My feeling is - it's NOT a necessity. Kids learn to live without shit, and it's not going to kill him not to go on a trip that will cost you a minimum of $3800. Also? He's probably too young right now to understand not only the value of getting to go but the sacrifice you'll be making to afford to let him go. Added bonus - if you all go together then you'll get to choose the itinerary. Maybe book through an agent if the thought of trying to plan a trip like that on your own scares you. Or hell, who says you have to even go to Europe to take a great family vaykay? Save your money, rent a van and take a trip cross country next summer. Or to the US. We don't bite.

I feel you on the driving thing. All you can do is hope for the best. Maybe you can find a defensive driver's training class and pay for him to go. Make it a condition of letting him be added to your policy.

The boyfriend - couples counseling maybe? At the very least, even if it doesn't mend the relationship, he will at least have an idea that you are unhappy, and won't take it as a complete surprise if you do decide to eventually end the relationship. I can imagine needing a organ transplant would be depressing, so I can totally see why you are reluctant to just break up with him.

carma said...
June 2, 2010 at 12:55 PM

Oh no -- so much going on in this post. I can see why you need to slow down. So sorry to hear about your sister's diagnosis and about the boyfriend sitch. Forget the guilt, you need happiness (although I'd be doing the same thing if I was in your situation. Guilt has plagued 90% of my life decisions thus far)-- think it through and do what is best for YOU. Or you'll look back in regret.

The driving thing -- freaks me out. My son is 14 and I've already said he won't be driving next year when he is eligible for his permit. That is way too young in my opinion. Anything under 25 is way too young :D

Vinomom said...
June 2, 2010 at 1:05 PM

Thats a whole lot of shit Dual Mom - I'm really sorry.

They seem to have made huge strides w/ MS these days so people live a very full life.

The Eurotrip - I think it's an amazing experience and opportunity but if you can't swing it, you can't swing it. Is there a possibility he can go the following year and spend the upcoming year helping save for it?

The Driving - not much you can do on this one. He'll have to drive sometime. Spend some time in the car with him so that hopefully his driving skills put your mind at ease.

The Boyfriend - been there. Somehow we actually recovered from it and are happy now. We just had our six year anniversary. I can completely understand your reservations with leaving when he is so sick. Honestly? If you are not anxious to start dating other people, I'd stay. That's just me and it's probably not healthy, but for the time being, at least until he gets his transplant, I'd probably stick by him. He's obviously a loveable companion, if not a lover.

Just my .02 for what it's worth.

Mae Rae said...
June 2, 2010 at 1:19 PM

I am here for you! I hear you on the driving one. I have a 17 year old who has dragged his feet for the past year on getting the driving lessons down. I am dreading the day because I know with all my heart that the inlaws will find a way to get him a vehicle. They have bought my SIL two and she is a grown adult.

On the trip thing...eeekkk. Chance of a life time. I personally have no idea what it is like to be over seas and would love the opportunity to give my kids the chance but finacially I is not a possibility here...hey on the money note, will the boyfriend buy my husbands kidney? He has three.

The boyfriend...won't even go there.

But the most important thing I got out of this whole post was the RCMP and a phenomenial picture of Mike from the book Mrs. Mike. Yummy!

Salt said...
June 2, 2010 at 1:35 PM

I have all the crayons you would ever need, friend. And you don't even have to give them back. They are YOURS!

I agree with the notion of couples counseling. Even if it is an unrepairable situation for you (which frankly it seems like it might be), but it might ease him into the idea of life without you. And then maybe that way it won't come as such a shock when it ends.

I'm so sorry to hear about oldest sister. MS is a bitch of a disease. My husband's mom had it and he has been tested for it too. Hopefully nothing gets too serious for her.

We are here for you no matter what and don't even think that I haven't missed you around! Because I have. Like woah. *e-hugs*

Anonymous said...
June 2, 2010 at 1:56 PM

Just when I think my crappy-assed life can't get much worse, when I feel like I am so lonely I will just roll into a ball and cry, when I struggle to remember there is far worse in the world...

I am sorry, words sometimes aren't enough but I feel the need to say them. I have no advice, no help with your choices but..

I have a ton of white crayons, my kids won't use them as for the black... well I have a ton of other crayons you can use.


Anastasia said...
June 2, 2010 at 2:24 PM

sounds like you are going through a lot! Hang in there and keeping blogging. free therapy. ;)

Anonymous said...
June 2, 2010 at 2:25 PM

I've been using all my colors lately, trying to brighten my world..but I'm willing to share;)

hugs and good thoughts

Yankee Girl said...
June 2, 2010 at 2:58 PM

I wish I could crawl into the computer and give you a big hug right now...and maybe drink some of that tequila with you.

I have no idea what to say except I will be thinking of you, and keeping my fingers crossed that your son is safe while driving.

Sarah P said...
June 2, 2010 at 3:48 PM

Well ... fuck.

As for the $3,800 - do it, but don't send the kid. Send yourself. You need it.

The Only Girl said...
June 2, 2010 at 3:51 PM

Crap. You are having a bad time.

I completely understand the irrational fear of your son driving. I have the same fear and he's only 9.

Hope things get better for you soon. Funks suck.

blueviolet said...
June 2, 2010 at 4:32 PM

Are there some fundraising things you could do to help defray some of those expenses for Jimmy?

As for the boyfriend, seeing as how I can relate to this (and my new beau was REALLY in your situation), I'm inclined to say please live your life for you, only you. You just have one life, you have a TON of it left, and the other side of this clusterf*** will be wondrous if you let yourself get there.

kyooty said...
June 2, 2010 at 4:49 PM

It can't be irrational to fear our children driving? my kids aren't even old enough to get a licence or a learners and I dont' wnat them driving. 4 Teens died this weekend in cars! why? stupid, immature, and inexperienced. I try very hard to tell myself that well they didn't get experience because no one taught them how to drive or no one let them drive? but ugh, other people's kids are on the road too!

MiMi said...
June 2, 2010 at 5:36 PM

Okay, this all sucks.
The only thing I can speak to with any knowledge at all (and even then it's a small amt.) is the MS.
My grandma had it, mom has it and I have it.
It DOES run in the family. BUT, that doesn't mean you will get it. Your chances are still somewhere less than 10 percent, I believe. :)

MiMi said...
June 2, 2010 at 5:36 PM

I'm thinking that smily face looks stupid, so ignore it.

SurferWife said...
June 2, 2010 at 6:00 PM

No. No I have no crayons to lend you because I am frantically using my own.

I do have an ear to lend you whenever you want to vent though. Life really sucks sometimes.

Quixotic said...
June 2, 2010 at 8:53 PM

No, I'm not sending any black crayons, but I'm sending hot-stuff red, joyful yellow, pampering pink, calm blue and my favourite colour - champagne!

So sorry your having a tough time, hang in there! xoxox

Tracie said...
June 2, 2010 at 9:06 PM

Ugh. I'm sorry so much is going on in your life right now. I don't think I'd be blogging either. Sending you virtual hugs and positive thoughts.

(I'm terrible with advice. I've messed my own life up in so many ways, I feel like a fraud weighing in on everyone else's.)

gayle said...
June 2, 2010 at 9:09 PM

All you can do is your best and you are doing that!!! Life is so hard sometimes especailly when kids are involved!!

GunDiva said...
June 2, 2010 at 9:56 PM

Lots and lots of stuff going on.

Here's the thing about the Europe trip - when planned properly, you AND your son can go for a longer period of time for the same amount of money. I spent 15 days in Italy (all over the place) and only spent $1700 including airfare. I didn't stay in hostels, but nice B&Bs and smaller hotels. I didn't have to cut corners and saw everything I wanted to. When this issue came up for my kids, I told them no and we've planned a family trip instead. 18 yo asshole is home now, too. No apologies, but he's enrolled in college and at least interviewing for jobs, so there's hope. As for the driving thing, it sucks on one hand, but on the other having someone to run the errands you don't want to ROCKS.

And, I think you've outgrown crayons, you need a big ole fat tipped Sharpie marker.

Scribe said...
June 3, 2010 at 2:57 AM

I have stock in the Crayola company. I have some lovely colours and an abundance of the black and white. Don't worry about not writing. As long as you're reading is what counts.

Anonymous said...
June 3, 2010 at 3:22 AM

I'll see if I can find you some better crayons. Jumbo ones.

Teenage drivers scare the shit out of me. I dont think your fears are irrational at all.

A few months ago there was a car driving around town that had CAUTION: I AM A NEW DRIVER written across the back window. I avoided that car like it was on fire!!

Anonymous said...
June 3, 2010 at 1:24 PM

I've used up all of my black and whites too. :(

My heart so goes out to you..I don't even want to think about my kids driving..whaaaaaaaa! I'm one of those loony bin moms that chases behind my toddler with foam in case he driving...ughhh.

I'm sorry about what's going on w/ your boyfriend. I can kinda/sorta relate from a previous relationship....and all I can tell you is too short...cliche, I know. But I don't want you to ever look back and say WTF did I do with 8 years of my life.

Wish I had magical advice...I love ya!

The Queen said...
June 3, 2010 at 7:29 PM

Remember.. I shoot from the hip!

I'm afraid if I leave him it will end his will to live!

WTF WOMAN.. who put you in charge of his will to live? If he can't muster up the shit to live.. that does NOT belong to you! Who told you to put YOUR happiness and will to live.. on hold,, until he says it's OK???? Come on girl.. grab on to your life.. and live it!

He can get over it,, go around it.. or crawl under it.. but it's not your job. to fix him!

I heart your face too much to watch you go through this..

and.. if you shoot back... aim low.. I'm riding a short horse!

The Queen said...
June 3, 2010 at 7:52 PM

Stop by a grab your award.. it'll cheer ya up!

adrienzgirl said...
June 3, 2010 at 8:01 PM

You know what, first I should say, that I puffy heart you to pieces!

Second, you have to start adding some color to your life. Black and white is so....yesterday. I will send you some paint to color shit up a bit!

I feel for you Momma! Being a mom is hard.

The bf situation? You cannot let guilt be your burden. It's not your fault he is sick. It's not your fault he loves you the way that you can't love him. YOU deserve some peace, and YOU deserve some happiness. Just my two cents. I would rather be alone, by myself. Being alone when you are with someone is the loneliest feeling in the world.

That's my colorful two cents for what it's worth! Love ya!

jessalyn said...
June 3, 2010 at 11:22 PM

ugh keeping you in my thoughts lady...i suck at advice, so i won't offer any of that (my brilliant schemes haven't worked out for me so far). but i am happy to share my crayons..

LiLu said...
June 6, 2010 at 12:38 AM

This is all way out of my league... but please know that my heart goes out to you, and I am thinking of you.


Queen of Feisty said...
June 8, 2010 at 1:26 AM

Right so this give and take thing with blogs, I'm right with you. I've barely blogged, but I think I made up for it after today's post. It's about 3 months of babbling worth.

Thanks for visiting me when I wasn't visiting back. And it seems as if your in need of much comment love.

I'm sorry for all your non black and white issues. Your getting handed alot these days. Thinking of you.

(not in a creepy "I've never met you" blogger kinda way either)


Danielle said...
June 8, 2010 at 6:26 PM

I go away for a week. 1 damn week and everything goes to shit! Get out here girl. I have lots of wine!!!!!
Seriously, I am here if you need a shoulder!