I May Be Dancing In The Rain Yet

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If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you....

It came back to me. Now before you start banging your head against your keyboard and screaming, "Nooo DM please don't tell us you took him back," let me tell you the story.

Oh brief interlude, your comments have made me smile, laugh and cry. I cannot thank you enough for caring. Reading your comments at 3am got me through more than one lonely night. One of the best was from GB Girl. She wrote: If it makes you feel better, I've been flipping off every truck driver I see on the roads. Just in case it's him.

Oh hun I had wonderful mental images of perplexed truck drivers wondering what the hell they did to piss off that crazy bitch. It made me grin from ear to ear. Sorry to say you missed him though, I asked.

In my efforts to forget my broken heart I've been keeping busy. There's been lots of wine drinking, spending time with friends, texting those near and dear (you know who you are), did I mention wine drinking? Yeah I have been pretty much pie eyed shit faced drunk for two weeks. A week and a half ago, I'm at a dance with a girlfriend having the time of my life. Sober. For some reason that I can only call fate, I wasn't drinking. I got home at 2am and sat down to check email and a text came in on my phone.

"Decided not to dance huh?"

Remember I deleted his contact info off my phone. It took me several seconds to recognize the number and then it dawned on me who it was...the blue eyed boy. My heart immediately went into the 160 bpm range and my breathing stopped momentarily.

My reply:

"I was out"
Him: Ok
Me: Where were you?
Him: Insert club name
Me: I see
Him: Insert club name for you?
Me: Nope.
Him: Ah k have fun?
Me: Yep

Fuck that, I wasn't going to make this easy for him. At this point he said:

Ok, I'll leave you alone now.

And I asked, "M, why are you contacting me"

"Because I miss you and I miss us"

My breath caught in my throat and I had to close my eyes against the searing pain that coursed right through my heart.

My reply: "You do?"


Me: "And what do you want me to do with that M?"

Him: "Nothing. I'm sorry I bothered you."

And then I lost it.

No M, you don't get to do that. You don't get to text me at 2am and then just pull away and shut down. Goddamn it no.

Him: "It's what I am"

It went back and forth for another 5 minutes. I finally asked if he would talk, if I went and picked him up if he would talk to me, open up, explain to me what the hell this was. Then he asked me if I was going to hit him.

So I went and got him and we talked till 6am in my car. There's the fate I mentioned earlier. Had I been drinking that night, there's no way the rest of the night would have happened.

He admitted to not being able to communicate. He admitted to being angry at me because I asked things that he had no answer for. He admitted to being scared. When he held my face in his hands and said, "TM I love you" with tears in his eyes and more love than I have ever seen in a man's face, I was done for. I wrote before about how much I longed to hear those words.

Leather helps the forgiving process. This is what he landed with for me on Monday evening. He said he saw it and thought of me. That I would need it this summer when he gets the bike out.

He won't call it a "I fucked up and here have some really nice leather as an apology for my jack ass actions" present. No, he won't call it that. It's because he saw it and thought of me. Mmmmmkay  baby, I'll let you have your delusions.

I may be making a colossal mistake. I may be setting myself up for more heartache than I can possibly imagine. But right now, right at this very moment, I am brimming with happiness. This man has a selfish streak a mile long, he lives in a world, works in a world where his own wants and needs are the number one priority. Oh I'm not delusional enough to think that I am in any way, shape or form going to change him. He is however trying. There is no doubt that I feel completely and utterly loved. I asked him why he contacted me, why he came back. His response, because I love you. That is enough. For now, that is enough. It may not be enough tomorrow or next week, but right now I'm happy. So incredibly happy and loved.

If two months down the road he pulls away and shuts down, I'll rage and rant and stay drunk for several weeks, and I'll cry on my virtual friends' shoulders and I'll call him every version of rat fink bastard that I can think of ... and I'll have known what is to date the greatest love that I have ever had in my life. I'll have the memory of his arms wrapped around me as he whispers "I love you" into my hair. I can't walk away from that without giving it another chance, I can't spend the rest of my life wondering if it might have worked  had I the courage to try again.

So here I go again.....


GunDiva said...
March 9, 2011 at 8:52 PM

Fingers crossed for your Happily Ever After. Lord knows, you deserve it.

Menopausal New Mom said...
March 9, 2011 at 8:58 PM

I sure hope he's sincerely trying, I'm happy for you :)

and I'm a little jealous of that jacket! Now you're going to have to get the matching heels.

middle child said...
March 9, 2011 at 10:51 PM

Sounds like you're ahead of the game. You know what he's like and you know you can't change him. So,..it's just a matter of accepting him as he is, and knowing that regardless of how he is acting, you do know that he loves you.

Drama Queen said...
March 9, 2011 at 11:09 PM

I've been thinking of you - so to see that you're happy again, yay! :) There's always bumps in the road, but it sounds like you've found love - hold on to it!!!

Danielle said...
March 10, 2011 at 12:09 AM

GAG me with a spoon! Good GOD get a room already!
I say we meet in Vegas or something, all 4 of us. That way we can jack with the boys a little and show them what they will get if they F*** with us!
Love the jacket BTW, now get your ass on the back of that shit and come to denver!

Anonymous said...
March 10, 2011 at 12:50 AM

If it makes you happy, if HE makes you happy, well hell... what more do you need?! Enjoy it while you have it, and I hope that's for a good long time!

Anonymous said...
March 10, 2011 at 12:51 AM

PS: all you need now is the half-helmet and a sexy pair of shades and shoes, and you're all set...

Melinda said...
March 10, 2011 at 9:02 AM

Give him a message for me...
'if you hurt her again, I'll hunt you down and fucking kill you'

ps love the jacket.

GB Girl said...
March 10, 2011 at 10:31 AM

I had a feeling this was going to happen. ;) I'm not sure why, but I just did. I'm so happy for you!

Now, seriously...get some sexy heels and hit the road with that blue eyed boy. Just make sure they are really spiky stilettos and that he knows they can be used to strike a fatal blow to the eye if he ever felt like pulling this sh*t again.

Also, I'm glad he wasn't one of the flipees. That could've been awkward.

gayle said...
March 14, 2011 at 11:31 PM

Well I guess I should have read this before I commented on the one before!

I would have taken him back too!! I am glad you did!!

Love is a wonderful thing! We can't help who we love!

gayle said...
March 19, 2011 at 5:48 PM

Ok it's been a week.........what's going on??? You should get on facebook so you can give us little updates:)

Yankee Girl said...
March 23, 2011 at 12:24 PM

I am so glad you are happy again!

And hopefully this boy eyed boy isn't dumb enough to make the same mistake twice.

I'm pulling for you two!