Notes to my Neighbours:

Dear Beethoven,

I have a present for you. Please stop by at your convenience to pick it up. I love your St. Bernard, really I do. His shit all over my front lawn, not so much. You can have it back. You get that a St. Bernard shits like a small horse, right?

Dear Dipshit Neighbour ,

Please advise your child that it is not ok to drive through my flower bed. Obviously this message has not been conveyed when I chased him with a rake.  I have replanted my bulbs twice this fall because of your fucking juvenile deliquent. I will flatten your fucking tires in the middle of the night if I have to plant them again. Don't think I won't. Oh yeah, and it's a total asshat move to allow your son to drive that deathtrap without a helmet on.

Dear Neighbourhood Dog Owners,

Put your fucking animals on a leash. It is NOT ok for my daughter to be accosted by your various mutts each and everytime she plays outside. I'm sure your doberman is the most gentle creature in the world, but when he runs full steam right at my daughter with his teeth bared...she shits her pants with fear. See letter to Mom that lets her child drive an all terrain vehicle with no helmet. I'm serious about the whole flattening of the tires thing. Do not push me motherfuckas.

Dear Nosy Neighbour,

I was not aware we had a neighborhood watch program. Apparently we do because how else would you know (and be able to tell Favorite Neighbour) I sometimes get home really late? I'm not sure why it's any of your damn business when I get home as I have not had to account for my whereabouts to ANYONE in a very long time. Do you sit in your window ALL night? Perhaps to give you something to actually gossip about I'll start driving up and down the road at 2am with no clothes on. Get a life....

Dear Favorite Neighbour,

Thank you for hauling my car out of the snow twice last year. I really am a good driver contrary to evidence indicating otherwise. Please tell me that moving van parked in your driveway last week was just there to help you out with a fall clean up? You wouldn't move, would you? You know winters coming soon, right? I have cookies....