A Study of Contrasts

My life last Monday (because I know you care):

5:00am    Drag my fat ass out of bed, stub toe on corner of the bed, curse, make my way to the coffee maker, spill old coffee grinds onto the floor while trying to dump them in the compost, curse, get coffee brewing, curse
5:04am    Drink a pot few cups of coffee while reading the news online to ensure the world did not spontaneously combust while I slept, curse because it didn't and now I actually have to go to work
5:25am    Hop into the shower to wash aforementioned fat ass
5:35am    Stand in front of the mirror examining the wrinkles and gray hair that seemed to have multiplied overnight, try to cover said wrinkles with makeup and gray hair with blowdryer and hairspray, curse because it doesn't really work
6:00am    Wake up the spawns of satan children
6:02am    Throw bread on the table for breakfast
6:04am    Shout from the kitchen, "If you're not out of bed in 30 seconds I'm coming in with the ice water". I'm very warm and loving. Curse
6:15am    The next 20 minutes involve  Nora screaming because her blue sweater is in the washer, andohmygodmyworldiscomingtoanendandyouaretheworstmotherintheentireworld, the boys stand posed to duck when her head explodes
6:45am    Everyone dressed, fed and into the car
6:55am   Stop for gas because fuckity fuck the tank is empty.
7:15am    Drop kids off at their dad's, Nora's other personality has taken over and she kisses me goodbye
7:40am    Arrive at work and drive around the block for 10 minutes looking for a parking spot, curse
7:50am    Work
work, work, work, curse, work, work
5:00pm    Leave work
5:05pm    Star. bucks stop for white chocolate mocha..........awww sweet mother of god they are so good
5:15pm    Arrive home. Silence. Sit missing children.
5:17pm    Pour wine
5:18pm - 10:00pm Drink wine, chat on phone, paint nails, read a book, read three years of blog archives on various blogs, drink wine, write a blog post, feed the neighbour's St. Bernard, iron favorite white shirt for the morning, crawl into bed with a new book.

This Monday:

6:50am     Drag my fat ass out of bed, stub toe on corner of the bed, curse, make my way to the coffee maker, spill old coffee grinds onto the floor while trying to dump them in the compost, curse, get coffee brewing, curse
6:54am    Drink a pot few cups of coffee while reading the news online to ensure the world did not spontaneously combust while I slept, curse because it didn't and now I actually have to go to work
7:11am    Hop into the shower to wash aforementioned fat ass
7:21am    Make-up, hair, get dressed
7:41am    arrive at work blah blah blah blah
5:00pm    Leave work to pick up kids
5:25pm    Arrive at Ex's, toot horn, drum fingers impatiently on steering wheel
5:27pm    Drive home with kids. I like this drive, I get stories from the previous week. This evening's drive involved me explaining to the kids why I did not want them receiving the H1N1 vaccine (oh you damn well knew it wasn't finished with) She who shall not be named is PISSED off at me.

Also heard on the drive home:
Jimmy: Hey Mom I have a joke - but it has the "F" word in it - it's not nearly as funny without the "F" word - can I tell it to you please?
Disclaimer - Monty and Jimmy will both use the word shit under their breath. I have no doubt they drop the f bomb all the time, they do not do it in my prescence, they know better. Yes I'm a fucking hypocrite. I digress....
Me: Sure Jimmy, curse you're face off.
Jimmy: Ok, so the big bad wolf and the three little pigs meet up one fine afternoon and the big bad wolf says to the three little pigs - "Look out little piggies, I'm going to huff and puff and blow your house down". To which the three little pigs reply: "Yeah well fuck that, we're going to sneeze on you"

I almost went off the road I laughed so hard. Obviously, the ole swine flu is garnering a bit of attention at the high school these days.

5:58pm    Arrive home

6:00pm - 8:00pm Start supper, pour glass of wine, fold laundry from dryer, put another load in washer, stir pasta, ask kids to come and get folded laundry, change out of work clothes, empty dishwasher, scream at kids to come get folded laundry, curse, smell wrinkled favorite white shirt to make sure it's clean enough to wear to work, curse at St. Bernard to go home and eat at his own damn house, stir pasta sauce, open can of peas knowing the little shits won't eat them, curse, lose my shit over having to ask the kids a third time to come and get laundry, holyfuck I could really do with another set of hands right now, start Nora's homework, sign Jimmy's permission slip for a field trip, go over Monty's test he had written last week, spill hot pasta sauce on barefoot, curse, supper on table, eat, chat, Nora cleans off table, Monty does dishes, Jimmy takes out garbage and I can pretty much guarentee they're all cursing (in their heads of course) that I actually make them do this. Because I'm the mom from hell dontcha know? I change clothes from washer to dryer, wipe up cupboards, sweep floor, cut up fruit for a fruit salad. MontyJimmyNora get in the shower, MontyJimmyNora pick up your damn towels off the bathroom floor. MontyJimmyNora stop fighting. MontyJimmyNora what the hell are you fighting over? MontyJimmyNora for the love of all that is holy please stop my ears are bleeding and I am going to sell all of you to the gypsies if you do not stop fighting.

At 8:00 I sit my fat ass down. Nora is sitting in my place on the couch and I ask her nicely to move. She does so while laughing "You're going to be sitting in the wet spot Mom" No you bunch of sick perverts, not that wet spot, the wet spot caused by her freshly washed hair resting on the back of the couch.

It takes me a day or two to get back into the swing of things when the kids return. Is it any wonder I use the handle Dual Mom? Happy Monday everyone.