Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I have been cruising around blog world and reading a few blogs from about to be first time mommies. Now I'm about to rant.

Lactaction consultants are liars. Each and everyone of them should be selling used cars; they lie that well. They tell the about to be new mommy all about the wonders of breastfeeding, how it doesn't hurt, how you will be filled with a feeling of amazement the likes of which you have never (nor will ever) experience again in your lifetime, how you will love your child so much more because you are the sole person responsible for sustaining their life.

Fucking liars.

I hope a lactation consultant actually reads this post because I would love to hear their side of the story. I would love to hear the justification for how they can lie so blatantly to these poor innocent, naive women.

Fear not poor, innocent, naive women...Dual Mom is here to tell you the truth!!

A little history, because there is nothing more annoying than someone on a soapbox talking about shit they know shit about. I have three kids, three kids birthed au natural, no drugs, not even a damn tylenol. I know pain. My third child was induced, my sister was with Ex and I during her birth. She said the first contraction hit, the monitor spiked and stayed that way. It spiked and did not fucking stop spiking. I had one long two hour contraction until the little darling was born. All I remember is biting my lips  - with tears running down both sides of my face. It hurt that badly that I knew if I opened my mouth to speak I would scream, and I would not stop screaming. I cut my lip so severely with my teeth that it cracked and bled for days afterward everytime I spoke. I know pain.

I would rather have 12 induced births than go through the first three weeks of breastfeeding. I shit you not. You might say - well Dual Mom you're obviously an idiot and weren't nursing correctly. My first child, who I had at the tender age of 18, was born with a hair lip. The lactation consultants (after trying to convince me there was no way in hell I would successfully be able to nurse him being that he had almost no top lip) were amazed at how well he nursed. He was a trooper. Three days later the pain started. Each time he latched on I would curl my toes and bite down on a pillow to keep from screaming. It was a pain that radiated from the very core of my body, not just the boob. The pain of my hoo hoo being ripped from tip to tip was nothing compared to the pain of breastfeeding. I persevered, even though I wanted to throw my beautiful little boy across the room everytime he needed to be fed. I persevered. After about 3 weeks, it did get better, it became something bearable, and eventually something that I cherished.

Child number two - refused to nurse off the right side. Again, I shit you not. The lactation consultants were dumbfounded. They had never seen anything like it. So while trying to supply my darling son with enough nourishment while only nursing from one side, the neglected boob became engorged, mastitis set in and it was all over but the crying. Me ... I was the one crying. Darling little Jimmy could not have cared less.

Child number three - my long awaited for little girl. I was older, wiser - breastfeeding would be a breeze. It was, after the first three weeks, after the blistered ,cracked nipples healed. Blistered nipples, yeah that's fun. They don't tell you about that in the breastfeeding classes, do they? Do you know how badly cracked nipples feel with a hungry little mouth attached to them every three hours?

I consulted 4 lactaction consultants with my first baby, 7 with the second and none with the third. They all told me I was doing everything properly, the babies were latched on properly. There was no reason why my nipples felt like they were being drug through the fires of hell each time I nursed. No reason at all. I nursed baby 1 & 3 until they were six months. Baby 2 got the shaft and I gave up after a month.

This is not a PSA against breastfeeding. I am all for the benefits of breastfeeding. It's cheap, easy (eventually) and nothing will get you into your favorite pair of jeans faster. Also, my favorite time of day was at 3:00am, when it was just me and my baby, and they look at you while nursing as though you hung the moon and stars...just for them. What I am against, is the misleading information given to new moms. I am against programming new moms to believe it is somehow their fault if nursing doesn't turn out to be the fairy tale romance the experts make it out to be. For all that is holy do they (new moms) not have enough pressure without "the experts" telling them they're doing something wrong, when in all actuality, nursing just fucking hurts.

So when you hear lactation consultants wax poetic about the beauty of nursing, call them on it. Tell them Dual Mom told you they are big fat fucking liars.

I have to ask all you moms out there, did it hurt you to breastfeed?