What Would You Do With 50 Million Dollars?

I know all you bloggers south of the Canadian border are used to huge lotto jackpots and 50 million probably is no big deal. Here in Canada, where EVERYTHING is government regulated, jackpots rarely make it above the 30 million mark. This Friday there is a 50 million dollar jackpot up for grabs, which got me thinking, what the hell does one do with that kind of money?

So I sat pondering it on my drive to work this morning. What would Dual Mom do with THAT much money? I'm a single mom. I have a good job, but I also have 3 kids (two of which are teenage boys and can eat their weight in food on a daily basis). I have a mortgage, drive a new car, a shoe addiction that would rival most coke addicts love of the white stuff and various other everyday expenses. In the next two years both boys will be going off to College/University with the girl not far behind. Do you know how fucking expensive post secondary education is?!!! Let's be honest here, I'm tempted to try and sell my body to deal with that little expense. However, any prostitution attempts on my part would end in dismal failure and I'm really not sure the ole' ego could take it.

I digress. Anyrichbitch I am not what one would consider well off.

So 50 million dollars is really unfathomable to me.

I started blogging five months ago. In that time, there are several women that I've gotten to know just a little bit. They make me laugh, they make me think, they open my eyes to new things. The fact that there are so many people and places in the world that I will never know actually keeps me up at night. I have this irrational need to KNOW people. The fact that there are a gazzillion places on earth I will never visit makes me sad. It really and truly does. I have daydreams about sitting around a pub with alot of these woman, drinking vodka martinis and shooting the shit.

So what would I do with 50 million dollars? I would have the biggest, baddest, bestest damn blog party this world has ever seen. Seriously. I'd rent out the most high tootin', poshest resort I could find and I'd fly (first class - cause I'm filthy stinkin rich and that's what filthy stinkin rich people do) EVERY ONE of my blog buddies in for the bash. We would than proceed to drink, laugh, cry, shop, laugh, shop, make fun of fucktards, swear, drink some more.....well you get the picture. We would get dressed when we felt like it, sleep when we felt like it, eat when we felt like it. It would be light years BEYOND totally fabulous and just imagine the blog fodder? Imagine the damn blog fodder people!! Of course just because I'm filthy stinkin rich does NOT mean I'd stop blogging. But I might hire someone to type out my blog from my dictated notes, because that's what filthy stinkin rich people do, right?

So here's what I'm thinking. We all know the power of positive thinking right? Ok even if you don't believe in it just stick with me for a sec. You should send ALL your positive thoughts my way in hopes that I win the lottery on Friday night. I know, I know there are starving children in the world and I could so be using my bloggy powers for more humanitarian efforts but I promise when I'm filthy stinkin rich I will so help the starving kids. I swear. I never buy lottery tickets. I think in my entire life I've bought like two. So this is it folks, this is OUR chance. Really I'm doing this for all of you because I know how empty your life is without the opportunity to party with Dual Mom.

So tell me, what would you do with 50 million dollars?

It's Tuesday And You Know What That Means

Tuesday is my new favorite day of the week. It's the day we are given free license to be snarky, sassy and just a tad bit attitudinal by the one and only Zgirl over at the Think Tank. If you'd like to join in the fun, stop by, link up and have at it.

Let us proceed.

Dear Boyfriend,

Where do I begin?  Thank you for the having the mentality of a teenaged boy. Really. The fact is I already have two teenage boys and I do not need a third. You see nothing wrong with them blowing farts out their ass while walking across the living room floor, sitting at the dinner table, or sitting beside their mother. That's just truly awesome. Thanks for your encouragement of this behavior by issuing farting contests. That's the way I like to roll, a grown man (who I will never have sex with again if you don't wisen the fuck up) and my two teenagers filling my house with enough gaseous substance to set the place ablaze were someone to light a match. It doesn't make me question my taste in men...at all. You get that you're almost 42 years old, right? When can I expect you to grow up?

I'd also like to thank you for folding the couch throw before you left last weekend. It was truly thoughtful. The email you sent me asking if I'd noticed that you folded the couch throw, yeah that probably wasn't necessary. I know you truly believe that you should be voted humanitarian of the year because you folded the couch throw, but it's probably not going to happen. They do not give out awards for performing simple tasks that women perform 6,548, 456 times a week....just because you're a man and had the wherewithal to notice the throw needed folding.

All your fucktardedness aside, you did kind of sort of just a little bit redeem yourself by sending me this:

What's the chances you'd be willing to work on a physique like that? hmmmm?

Love you but would so cheat on you in a heartbeat with RDJ

DM

Dear Unfollowers:

I'm a fairly confident person. Yes, I hate my ass, and my cheeks are too bulgy and I question my own sanity alot of the time, but I'm relatively confident. I would like to thank the THREE of you for taking that confidence and dashing it beneath your well shod foot leaving me a quivering mound of  stuttering shamefulness. Thank you.

So why? Why did you leave me? Was it the cursing? If so, well, I'm afraid you're just going to have to fuck off because it's not like I've ever pretended to be a puritan with a regular vocabulary. I think my very first post contained more curse words than not. At no point in time have I ever pretended to be anything but what I am; a foul mouthed, over-opinionated, rambling woman with a college education and a vorocious appetite for reading which has expanded my vocabulary exponentially which really isn't something that any woman that likes to talk about herself as much as I do should have. BREATHE

Did I scare you with the new layout? The pink is a bit garish I admit, but I like it. It's not like I was forcing you to change your blog to pink. Would this really make you stop following me?

So thanks unfollowers. I'm off to see my therapist.

DM

I Am Playing

If you notice things are a bit "chaotic" it's because I'm fucking up editing my layout. Please stand by....

Since I know absolutely nothing I'm pretty smart, I expect this will be a complete cluster fuck go off without a hitch.

Feel free to comment as I edit.

Updated - I figured out how to resize my widgets...all by myself!

Friday Happy Hour...Woot Woot!!

I'm joining RXBambi for Happy Hour Friday this week. We all know how Dual Mom would sell her first, second and hell even the girl that she likes most times alot better than the boys likes her cocktails. So here it is folks, if you want to play along head on over to her spot and link up!

I have not blogged all week. I have no excuse, well I do but it's kind of lame. I've been feeding my RDJ addiction and so far this week have watched various episodes of Ally McBeal mutliple times (the one where he and Sting sing Every Breath You Take, yeah just fucking kill me now because I'd die happy). You see I pretend that I'm Ally (yes I realize Ally isn't a real person and it's not a mentally sound thing to do to pretend you're not a real person and you shouldn't be pretending that you're an anorexic character in a show where the lead character spontaneously hears music and hallucinates dancing babies...just shutyourpieholeplease). I pretend he's singing to me. I have imaginary conversations with him in my head where he decides I'm the coolest, smartest, sexiest woman in the world and though he really loves his wife he couldn't possibly live the rest of his life without me because life would be bleak and empty and he'd be forced to start using again and he's been clean for so long that it would be a tragedy if he started using again so therefore the only possible thing he could do is leave his wife and and have me and my three children move to LA (or wherever the hell he lives) so that he can be enveloped in my adoration, love and the joyous sound of my laugh. *breathe* WHAT? It could happen.

I have watched Iron Man and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and this weekend I suspect I'll sit on my ass watching Gothika, Zodiac and Restoration. Do you think I need help?

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The Olympics. I have not watched any of it, very unpartriotic of me, I know. I suck. However, I do catch the updates on the news in the morning. On Wednesday, our women's hockey team beat Sweden 13-1. There was a huge hoopla in the news that the team should have held back on their scoring. WTF? Please, go put your big boy panties and talk to me when you grow a pair. Oh yeah and quit your goddamn whining. Do you see skiers slowing down at the finish line when they're minutes ahead of other competitors? Fuck off wankers.

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My ipod is busted. This causes me great stress. I have the white screen of death and after multiple google searches have learned that I should be able to reset this. Yeah fuckyouverymuch Apple. I have 8 different ipods in my house, ranging from 1st generation nanos to the touch, plus an imac. You know what, I'm getting pretty fed up with the total FUCKTARDS at Apple support. Don't tell me that I'm having a problem with my nano that you have never heard of before when a google search brings up 11,375 different fucking hits about people having the same problem. Do ya think you might be having an issue fuckers? Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck?

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This has been a three day work week. Monday was a civic holiday and Wednesday we got blasted with snow so we were shut down for the day. I would love to have the financial ability to work part time... I make an excellent lady of leisure.

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I lost 1.5 pounds last week. Yeah me! That's a total loss of 6.5, not great but I'll take it.

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I need a blog makeover. My blog is aesthetically boring.

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I love my kids. Not news you say? I know. But when they were small, it was so much damn work. Feeding and grooming and disciplining and lugging and bathing. It was work I tell you. Now that they're older, all of the "work" stuff they do on their own. Hell I even have the two teens doing their own laundry. Now that the work stuff is for the most part over, I have fun with them. Let me tell you something, as a young mother with small children, I hated the park. I hated outings to the zoo. I fucking despised doing all those cutesy things meant to entertain small children. Dinosaur themed birthday parties made me want to drown myself. I did them, and I pretended to enjoy doing them, all the while wishing someone would just gouge my eyes out and call it a day. Now? Now we hang out, Nora and I absolutely love being together. The boys both have a really sarcastic sense of humour which I totally get. We talk about stuff going on in the world and they have opinions and ideas. They're mini adults, what's even better...they're mini adults that I like. It's very odd as a mother to realize that you like your kids. We all know there are sometimes worlds between loving someone and liking them. I like my kids. Huh...who would have thunk it was possible?

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Happy Friday blogger luves. Anything exciting planned for the weekend?

My Secret Boyfriend

This weekend has been an Ally McBeal marathon. Do you remember Ally McBeal? Ran for five seasons from 1998 - 2002.

In 2001, in between stints at rehab, my secret boyfriend played a significant role on the show.

Isn't he puuuurty? He loves me, he just doesn't know it yet. Someday, he'll discover me, and the addictions, arrests and all around naughty behavior will end. Hey, with the love of a good woman, especially with the love of a Dual Mom, anything is possible, right?

See how sad he is? That pensive, brooding look? It's because his life is empty without me. Those are probably my initials on his delectable bicep (shutyourpiehole and don't burst my delusion).

Smirk all you want baby, someday you'll realize the error of your ways. All of these woman you've used to try and fill the void will be thrown to the wayside (no offense to the current wife). Sarah, Calista...all of them will be a faint, distant bad memory.

Can  you fucking imagine coming home to this? Let me tell y'all right now, blogging would be at the bottom of my list of things to do.

It's absolutely criminal that there are men like this in the world that we will never know. Ya know, like know know.

I Love You....You Love Me

I'm a bad bad blogger buddy. I got this little beauty from Kat at 2010 Year of Miracles ummm a couple of days...ok dammit it was weeks ago. And yes dammit I'm just thanking her for it now. Dammit...sorry Kat. You know I love you. Forgive me? I'll send cookies.

This one came from Mass Hole Mommy, the queen of giveaways. I swear this woman doesn't sleep because 30 posts so far in the month of February...like what the hell woman? Do you blog in the bathroom? Thank  you, I don't think anyone has ever associated the word "sunshine" with yours truly.

Oh dear sweet fuck could it be any more perfect? Seriously? I got this little darlin' from Maggie at Mind of A Mad Woman and she is indeed a mad woman in the most awesomeness of ways.

In case you can't read the print at the bottom, it states, "Bloggers who are sick of biting their tongues and swallowing the blood". It's perfection really.

I have to copy the "rules" of the award because they made me crap my pants with laughter. Maggie copied them from someone else, who may or may not have copied them from someone else, who may or may not...oh hell you get that we're breaking every damn copyright law out there, right?

The receivers of the award (and I hesitiate to use the word winners as it is not some type of lame-arsed competition, it is merely a show of appreciation for the blogger who doesn't pretty up the harsh realities) do NOT have to pass it on! If you wish to, great! Means I get to find some new no-bullshit blogs. If not, meh, not my problem.

This award is not to be awarded for just being nasty! It is for those blunt, honest, sometimes brutal bloggers who post from passion, not spite.

I LOVE IT! Those have to be some of the smartest damn words I've read in a long time. And so true. I'm never spiteful, I do not have a spiteful bone in my body. Being spiteful is a waste of my time. Blunt, brutally honest, that I do. Do not ask me for my opinion if you don't want the truth. Seriously, you will get the truth if you ask me, "What do you think?" The truth may be ugly, it may be cut your heart out with a dull kitchen knife brutal, but the truth as I see it, it will be. I never do it out of meaness or spite, I do it because I truly believe if someone asks for my opinion, they have the right to expect and receive an honest answer and not some pussyfoot, kid glove version of the truth.

So tell me, do you temper your words? Is your blog a true reflection of who you are as a person?

And finally (really thank you for sticking with me to the end) this:

Mrs. Blogalot gave me this little gem and called me "amazingly funny". It amazes me when someone calls me funny, and no I'm not being snide or bashful when I say that. I don't see myself as a "funny" person. I'm sarcastic as hell, I freely admit that. I have a skewed outlook on life by times and I curse alot. I say the things people often think but that filter that most people have prevents them from saying it. I wrote once about the fact that I don't seem to have that filter. So thanks, Mrs. Blogalot. I truly appreciate the compliment.

Ah ah ah...don't leave me yet. I'm not finished. Sigh if you must but I seriously need to pass some of these along.

The Beautiful Blogger Award - passing this one along to:

Crystal at Autism's Bitch - Crystal has a son with Autism. Her post today made me stop and think about something that I always do, and I'm wrong in doing it. Anyone that can get me to stop and think deserves an award.

Advocate Mom at Accidental Advocate - for reminding me that there are incredibly good people in the world. She blogs about her adventures with two adopted sons. Her strength in the face of adversity is something we can all aspire to.

The Sunshine Award - I pass this one along to

Menopausal New Mom any woman that has the balls to become a first-time mom at the age of 45 deserves all the sunshine they can get. You're an inspiration woman!

Taylorville at Girly Bitz - In her post today - she wrote about a conversation her and hubby had....wherein he compared her to a piece of meat on special at the butcher. Ha - and she didn't even drop kick him for it. It's quite funny so go check her out.

Mindy Mom at Single Mom - she writes with an elegance and clarity that I aspire to.

The Other Mommy at Evil Step Mom or Domestic Goddess - for helping me to see things from the other side of the coin.

Tell It Like It Is Award - passing this one along to

Noelle at Elastic Waistbands - when this girl gets pissed off just run for cover, seriously. I wait with baited breath for the days she's riled about something because her anger makes me laugh uproariously. The fuck's start flying everywhere and I keep waiting for her to turn all Exorcist. Is it wrong of me to find humour in this? And yeah, I know you've gotten this one already Noelle, too damn bad.

Duckalicious over at Batcrap Crazy- for bringing us "Convos from The Hood" and making us all very thankful she works at an inner city school. Sorry Daf, your pain is our gain.

The effervescent Zgirl over at the The Think Tank - she may have this one already too. I'd be very surprised if she doesn't. Zgirl would be the one I'd want at my back if I were ever in a brawl with a bunch of biker chicks (hey...it could happen).

My wine drinking sista over at Vinomom - This girl is real and not afraid to admit she's only human. I love her for it!

Shit I'm tired now. I'm supposed to tell you stuff and make lists and shit but guess what....I'm a rebel without a cause so I'm not gonna do it. Plus I'm tired. Plus I seriously think I may have taxed your patience with this uber long post.

I Would If I Could But I Can't, So I Won't

Do you ever wish you could see into the future? Would you like to know what tomorrow, next month, next year even, holds for you? Well than pop on over to the Daffy's place and make your own fortune!

This special edition of Fortune Cookie Friday is brought you by a few of the stupid, idiotic, mind bending  retarded, ohmygodpleasefucking kill me now, endearing traits of Boyfriend.





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This last one goes out to the fabulous Duckalicious herself. Please be better soon.






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YES!! YES!! YES!!

Whooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooo 100 followers. I feel as though I've found the cure for cancer, or rid the world of hunger, or created a serum for balding men. You know, something really important. (No offense to balding men, I'm actually partial to sexy bald men, but please, if it's falling out just take it all off. Ask anyone, totally bald is 100 times better than the band of hair around your head, that shit is just fugly, no offense).

Anyhairloss, if I were Oprah I'd be giving y'all cars, I'm THAT excited.

I'm a spaz, I do not deny it. I can't help but be tickled totally pink.

If I could, I'd hug each and every one of you...and I am sooo not a hugger.

Must go watch American Idol.

Tuesday's Bitch

It's Tuesday, the day I get to be a snarky, contankerous ole' bitch all because of  Zgirl! I know, really when have I ever needed an excuse? Still, I feel somehow validated when it's an actual theme. If you want to join in the fun hop on over and link up at the Think Tank.

Dear Blogger,

 

What the hell? For some reason, people who I've been following since I started blogging (I know...forevaaaahhh like a whole 4 months and I'm going to hang myself if I don't reach 100 followers soon, would paying people to follow me seem desperate?) are suddenly getting dropped from my reading list and I'm not following them anymore even though I haven't done anything to unfollow them. What the hell is going on?

I pay damn good money to have my words of wisdom bullshit posted on your server. Okay maybe not, but still. It's happened at least 7 or 8 times over the past several weeks, I'll be reading along when all of a sudden I'll think "Oh, so and so hasn't updated in a long time" only to discover they're not on my list anymore. When I go to their site apparently I'm not following them anymore either. Ohhh the horror of it all. And then I cry.

I expect my public apology any time now. You hear that google fuckers? These people have important shit to say that I must read.

Threatening to move to wordpress.

DualMom

Dear Scales,

I know, I know, I know shutupalready.

This weekend involved these*.

And plates of these.....(yes, they're being cooked in about a half pound of butter shutyourface)

And 4 cheese lasagne with garlic bread. Let's not forget we ate chocolate silk pie for desert....at breakfast. Apps included potato chips with dip (mmmmmm dip) chocolate, cheese and crackers. I'm sure the jugs of crantinis didn't contain a whole lot of calories.

We did manage a walk at 10:30 at night, in snow past our knees, drunk. It seemed like a good idea at the time. No one ever accused us of being wise dear scale.

I thought for sure you would betray me in much the same way I have betrayed you this week. But you didn't. You didn't budge, and for that I'd like to french kiss you.

*If you've never had these let me know, I'll send you the recipe. They are potstickers and they are one of the bestest things to eat in the whole world. Especially when made and consumed in the company of good friends with jugs and jugs and crantinis.

Despite the perception my blog portrays, I do do other things besides drink and eat with my friends.

Are You Seriously Asking That Question?

As the whole world knows, Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics. I stumbled across a website for the athletes to post questions about Canada and the province of Vancouver. I believe it was a site hosted by British Columbia tourism, but I could be wrong and I'm too lazy to go back and look.

These questions were taken directly from the site, I've ummmm tweaked some of the answers just a little bit.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. It's what we do instead of watching football.


Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: With the assistance of enough wacky tabacky, we can provide you with just about any type of hallucination you would like.


Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: It's about four thousand miles, give or take a mile. I hope you have a good pair of shoes.


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.



Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )

A: No, but racoon furs are accepted at most trading posts. Bring your canoe for transport.


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )

What's cutlery?

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked..


Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )

A: No, WE don't stink.



Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )

A: Only at Thanksgiving.


Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

I'm off to bet on the hippo races. Happy Monday!

Friday Fragments - The One Where I Become Famous

#1
It would appear that having house guests all week cramps my blogging style. I'm still alive, just haven't sat in front of my laptop all week. I'm sure the shakes, cramps and spontaneous twitching of withdrawal will subside any time now. I'm also a total lame ass when it comes to staying up past 10:00pm on a "school" night.

#2
The LIB has been blown to smithereens this week. Complete shite I tell you. McDonalds, thai, little exercise. Oh it gets better, we're having a pj party on Saturday, the menu includes chocoloate silk pie, 4 cheese lasagna, wine, eggs benedict (breakfast of course), wine, scallops, did I mention wine?

#3
It is so incredibly cold here I'm tempted to go piss in a snowbank just for shits and giggles to see if it freezes before actually hitting the snowbank.

#4
LOST. Oh dear what do I say about Lost? Now we're doing flash sideways. That's excellent. Lost makes me feel as though I should be riding the short bus, and yet I continue to watch it. What is that? Sadomasochist right?

#5
I sit on the board of a non-profit group. The executive director is a great guy and we have worked together on a couple of projects in the past. He makes me piss my pants with laughter. He was in Ottawa at a meeting, left Wednesday afternoon to return at midnight last night. His wife was scheduled for a c-section this morning at 6am. I sent him an email yesterday afternoon and told him we were expecting huge blizzard on the east coast (we're not). What? It was funny. Ok I know, I will burn in hell for my sick, twisted sense of humour. This was the reply I got back from him:

T, thanks for the email. It caused me to rush from my meeting in the middle of the President's presentation to throw up. When I finished wiping the barf from my chin, I checked the weather forecast to discover that you're a lying bitch and with my dying breath I will get you back for this.

PS. I'm kind of chuckling now. You are evil.

Should make the next board meeting interesting, non?

#6
I've been asked to be the College "spokesperson" for a series of news stories that will be running over the next couple of months. My involvement with the organization I referred to above has gotten me into this. Does anyone have any idea how I can "appear" ten pounds lighter on camera? I'll also have to remember not to say fuck. I told the VP who asked me to do this that I would need hair, makeup and wardrobe people along with a small dog with a diamond studded collar that I can carry in my purse. You know, like all the famous girls. He just shook his head at me....

Happy Friday everyone! I hope you all have a wonderfab weekend. Anyone doing anything fun or exciting?

Muuuaahhh

PS. Just got an email from the new dad, "it's a boy... 7lb 7 ounces."  I guess the fates were smiling on him and he actually made it to the delivery.

Gratitude With Attitude - Come Join the Fun

I heart sarcasm almost as much as I love the "f" word. What does this say about me? Anyone care to weigh in?

Anyfuk - give me an opportunity to be sarcastic AND use the "f" word and I'm all over it. If you too would like to join in the fun of Gratitude with Attitude stop over at the Think Tank, grab the button and go to town. Thank's Zgirl for giving me this wonderful opportunity. I heart you almost as much as the "f" word.

Dear bestest friend since high school,

I love with you with every fibre of my black little heart. I'm so glad you're staying with me for a few days, even though it's a funeral that brought you home. And you brought your cute little french man with you...you know his accent makes my nether region quiver - ok not really but he is super cute. I miss not having you in my life on a daily basis. So much. My kids miss you.

What I don't miss...is the fact that no matter how fucking warm it is, you're always cold. ALWAYS. Get some blood already would you please? It was ok that the thermostat was set at 25 when I arrived home last night. It's only oil at a bazzilion dollars a tank, right? It was probably damn cold when you arrived at the house. But getting up at midnight and turning it up again? Dear jesus just kill me now. So I really do have to thank you my dear friend, for turning up the heat in the middle of the night causing me to awake at two in the morning where I then had to get out of bed and change my clothes because I was sweating so badly. I should also thank you for telling me this morning how cold you were last night. What the fuck? It's not humanly possible for someone to be cold with THREE comforters on top of them and the heat set on volcanic meltdown!!!

Love you foreva' and always

Your bestie

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Dear Patio Steps,

Thank you so very much for causing me to fall. Having my spine feel as though someone's driving a shiv into it everyfukintime I move....it's awesome. You lear at me each time I step on the deck...but I've got your number buddy; there will be no more America's funniest home video moments for you. No more will I entertain your dull day by flying off the top step to land in the snow bank.

I bought salt fucker.

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Dear School Board,

I realize you had no control over the storm on Friday. I know this messed with the exam schedule for that day. Rather than pushing the PD day you had scheduled for yesterday forward, how 'bout just canceling it? You know my boys have been off school now for SEVEN fucking days? Seriously? How can you possibly justify such a bullshit decision? Thank you very much for once again proving you're all a bunch of fucktards.

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Dear Scale -

So we meet again.

It's been one week since you looked at me, or since I looked at you. Oh how you broke my poor heart. Though the blogger world tried to assure me it was not your fault. They offered comfort in their many comments and assured me this week would be better. I wanted to believe them, I mean my blogger buds wouldn't lie to me, right?

Of course they wouldn't.

Down 3 pounds this week. Hallefuckinlelluah

Thank you, thank you thank you, to dear scales and all of you who assured me this week would be better. You guys rock!